Stories

I Don’t Really Know What to Do

By April 6, 2021No Comments

I don’t really know what to do.
I’m twelve and a half years old and I’m kind of freaking out. Maybe not exactly like freaking out, but it feels a bit like it. I’m very… VERY social, and extremely talkative, but I’m told that I’m kind, caring, funny, cool to hang out with, etc. But… I feel like COVID-19 has ruined me. I’m falling behind on my piano and cello practices, I’ve learned that I almost definitely have anxiety and depression, since I’m a virtual learner, I’m really struggling to keep up with my classes, when I used to be an honor roll student, and more. I’m struggling to find time to do the things I like, like read, draw, dance, play my instruments, write, etc. and it’s making me feel worse each day.
I also had a really REALLY close friend move about a month ago and I still haven’t gotten over it, and I learned last minute yesterday on Easter that probably my most favorite aunt, uncle, and cousin are moving in a week or less, and yesterday was probably the second-to-last time I’m going to see them, and on top of that, I knew I was probably going to be moving in a year or two, right before I started high school (I’m in seventh grade right now) but that time changed to around eight months or so, then it moved to five, and I’m panicking. We’re considering moving to either North Carolina or  Texas, and right now, I’m in California. I’m a little (lot) nervous about moving, and the worst part is, we’re leaning more towards Texas (which is where given the choice between the two, I’d prefer to go), but we don’t know ANYBODY there, and I don’t know how I’ll handle moving away from people. Two families were enough, but now everything for me, and I don’t know how I’ll take it, and it kind of scares me.
I told my mom the other day, (when I had a breakdown and she finally got me to be able to explain it while I was still understandable through my tears) that it just felt like everything that I loved and knew was just slipping away from me, and I know there’s literally nothing I can do about it.
I made this really close friend in sixth grade who’s actually almost like a twin to me. We’re the same in a lot of ways. But she’s probably the closest friend I’ve ever had, but I’m not going to lie, thanks no thanks COVID, I’ve only been able to spend a quarter of a year with her in person, and I’m staying 100% distance learning, as I have bad asthma, and if I catch COVID-19… but I really really really really really x10000 want to go back to school.
I also have another problem or two that’s getting on my nerves:
My brother’s fight… a lot… practically 24/7, (more like 14/7 but, still) they fight from the moment they’re awake to the minute they’re going to bed. Otherwise, they’re just… really really really… REALLY loud, and it’s driving me nuts, but that’s not really the main problem- a new topic has come among them: me. They’re now almost always fighting over me, fighting about me, or just saying things that have caused a lot of moments where I shut myself in my room because of something they say. They’re both younger than me, but they fight over me because they want to both play with me, but they don’t want to play with each other, or it ends in fights. Both of them are stuck to the fact that they think they NEED to be the ones getting the last word.
A lot of the times, they’ve been saying this one thing, and once my mom said it too, and I don’t know if she was just messing around and meaning it, or just meaning it, but it dealt a really hard blow on me, causing me to lock myself in my room with a bowl of salad and a book in tears that night. This was their conversation: (It may not seem like much to other people, but I’ll admit that I’m a bit sensitive, and it hurts more than normal because I KNOW it’s true and I’m trying so hard not to hate myself for it.) “(Writer) talks too much!” “Yeah, she does, doesn’t she?” “She NEVER stops talking!” “Yeah, you talk too much!” and so forth, but it literally doesn’t seem like much but thanks to my close friend I kinda got over it for a bit, but those words were like a boomerang, and it’s coming back at me. I don’t really know what to do at this point. I don’t have a phone so it’s a BIT harder to keep in contact with my friends and I have about 30 letters to write (no joke), and I can never get to finishing them. The lack of social interaction, communication, and more is just bringing me down, and I need help. My mom got a doctor to see if I had depression or something, but I’m not entirely sure yet, and I have a school counselor, and just me talking to her once a week has helped quite a bit in my communication bit, but I just feel like not much is being done about my emotions or whatever no matter how many times I bring up the conversation. I also just feel like I’m being ignored, partly because I’m quiet, and also because they don’t want to hear me…? It’s making me upset. I really really really need help.
Sorry, this is sooooo much! I have a LOT on my mind =(

THINGS TO DO FIRST

  • Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to talk so openly about everything that is hard for you to juggle right now. We appreciate you trusting our Teen Central community with your story!
  • You are dealing with many losses, some that you are living through (like losing your “normal” life for a while due to COVID and your close friend moving), and other losses that you know are coming (your family moving and your aunt/uncle/cousin moving). Just one loss or big change can feel like it rocks our world, so it makes sense that you feel scared and you’re struggling to take this all in. Some people facing this many changes feel so overwhelmed that they don’t know how to deal with it, and they just want the pain or uncertainty to end. If you ever start to feel like that, know that there is help for you – 24/7! You can call 1-800-273-8255 or http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org, or text HELLO to 741741. There is always someone just a call or text away. 
  •  We’re so glad that you’ve shared your thoughts and feelings with your mom. Please keep doing this! One of the best ways to get through really tough times is to rely on the people that love you. It sounds like you have lots of people in your life that are ready to help! Besides your family, consider talking with your friends, neighbors, and see if anyone has been through a move. They may be able to offer some advice about how to get through the change.

WHEN YOU ARE READY

  • We hear you about losing out on being around people due to COVID. People that love people (like you do!) have really felt the impact of not being able to see people and talk and share their lives. We know there’s only so much you can do on a computer, BUT that doesn’t mean all is lost. People have been SO creative using the great tools of our time to stay in touch with family and friends, and even create art and music together! You mentioned piano and cello – what gifts! Have you considered playing for others in your neighborhood that are also at home? Even just sitting outside with your cello, or opening a nearby window to let the piano music drift out can bring a lot of joy to someone nearby! Do you play with a quartet or orchestra in school or through your music teacher? If so, ask if there’s a way for you to play with others online – something like Zoom lets you see and hear others that can bring your talents together.
  • Consider checking out our LEARN section for information about DEPRESSION. It’s not unusual for a sudden change in routine (like COVID) to de-rail us. Could you create a schedule for yourself to help you stay organized? Check out this link to our DAILY TASK CHART in our TOOLS section – 016_0028A_TCTimeManagement.pdf (teencentral.com)
  • We hear you that your family’s comments about how much you talk really hurt your feelings. Since they are the ones you see every day it makes sense that you would give them all the energy you would usually spread out between friends and teachers and everyone else. Sounds like they feel a little overwhelmed by all of your energy. Maybe some compromises could help. Consider asking to talk to your mom and brothers about it, and that you can be more sensitive to when they start to feel like they need a break if they can let you know kindly. Your brothers may find that having time that you spend with each of them takes away the struggle to “share” you, and gives you special time together. Also, remember it’s kind to “share the spotlight” and listen to others talk about their thoughts and dreams as much as you like to talk about yours. Everyone likes to be heard.