Love

Love

I am a 22 year old girl. I recently started talking to my first ex again. He was my first boyfriend, first love. I really loved him. We first met 11 years ago. When I turned 13 we started dating. We dated for a few months . Maybe because he was 2 years older than me and boys are usually sexually aroused at that age so he wanted to do more than just talk. I refused and on his persistence blocked him from every where without telling him and moved on. He tried everything to contact me and kept contacting me for 5 years and I kept ignoring him until one day we accidentally met. We got into a relationship again. This time we got physically intimate. I fell for him again very hard. We never had sex but he just wanted more and more of me. He would bring his friends on our dates and send them out of the car while we would fool around. I felt so disgusted with myself but I told myself he loves me. He would disappear for days on end and would want things to resume the way they were. One day he convinced me to go to a motel with him. I didn’t want to and on the way I swore to myself if I get out of this I will never talk to him again. I told him I will come tomorrow and today I just can’t. As soon as I got home I blocked him from every where and changed my number. This was 5 years ago. A month ago he sent me a request on Instagram and I got curious. A part of me always loved him and I was lonely. I sent him a request from a fake snapchat account and started talking. We talked a lot and I realized that he had changed so much. One day while we were talking on the phone at 5 am he told me the story of his first love. It was me. He told me about how he loved her so much and has never gotten over her. How he started drinking because of her and how he just wants to know why she left him. The way he talked about me melted my heart. A few days later he recontacted the real me. I reciprocated and told him the truth that it was me he talked to. He swore he had no clue it was me. I believed him and we started talking again. It was amazing. I fell for him again but now I had changed. I wasn’t the idiot teenager anymore. I told him why I left him. I told him about how disgusting he made me feel. I did not respond to his affection and told him all I can offer him is friendship. We had the most amazing conversations. One day we met. He did not touch me because I had clearly told him if I felt uncomfortable again I will leave. We were in his car. He bent down and held my feet and begged me for forgiveness. I forgave him. I had forgiven him years ago and after a few weeks he asked me to get in a relationship with him, but I refused. I told him I need to get to know him better. A few days later he said the confusion of what we are is driving him crazy. I told him all I can offer is friendship. I think he did not like that and slowly we just drifted apart. First, it would be him talking to his friend going through a break up then just falling asleep early and now no excuse or reason. It’s been more than a week since we properly talked on the phone and then yesterday out of the blue he asked me to meet him. I refused. I am not going to go meet him after he was MIA. I think he got offended and so did I do I blocked him again. This time I unblocked him as I am not yet ready to let go. I know its stupid but I miss him. I don’t text him or call him or contact him in anyway because my self respect won’t let me. If he wants to talk to me he has my number.I just stare at his WhatsApp online status and curse him for not calling me. This is the 3rd time this man has broken me. I just want to talk to him. Apparently all his declarations of love were lies.

CONSIDER THIS:

  • Love can be a powerful force and you have shown to never give up on that person you want around no matter what it has put you through and you are strong for that.
  • Being honest and upfront with people about how you feel about them is important. Especially when they make you feel uncomfortable and leave you feeling uncertain about the situation because of their on going behaviors.
  • The times you felt uncomfortable and left or avoided the situation was a very smart idea. Never allow someone to force you into something you don’t feel comfortable doing.
  • Inconsistently and the unknown are signs that no one deserves. You should never allow someone to come and go and only want something from you when it’s on their term. Not only is that not fair but is also can be hurtful.
  • Allow people who have clear and good Intentions with you into your life. You need people who will be positive influences and will be quick to address their actions or words if they make you feel uncomfortable. You deserve better!

HELP YOURSELF:

  • How do you think things could have been different between you and him years ago if you would have been honest about how you felt about him from the start?
  • What will it take for you to completely be done with him for good?
  • What do you need him to change in order for you two to be happy together? How can you approach that to him?
  • What can you do moving forward in any relationship you build with someone so the same situation does not happen again?