in late january, 2021, i left a message on this wesbite describing how i was going to commit suicide. that resulted in me getting sent to a mental hospital. it was honestly the best week of my life. i was surrounded by people who understood what was going on with me, and freinds that i am still in contact with today, over 6 months later.
ever since i left, ive been suffering with derealization and yearning to go back. nobody in my family understands. nobody. nobody understands at all. it was so much better than my home. my privacy is constantly being invaded. i get screamed at for nothing. it was just so much nicer there. i was surrounded by peers going through similar issues. it brought me comfort. but its all gone now!!!! its gone!!!! i cant get it back! everytime i try to seek help i think my parents tell them im doing it for attention or something. i just want to go back. i miss it. i miss it so much. nobody understands me here. the mental hospital felt like home, this doesnt. this doesnt feel like the right place. i dont belong here. i dont know whats wrong with me anymore. nothing feels real. i was genuinely happy, im so tired of faking it now. im only a kid, im only 12, i shouldnt have to go through this.
thanks for reading my little vent :/
FIRST THINGS FIRST
- We are so glad that TeenCentral was able to help you get to a place you needed to be, and that the place was helpful to you. The anominity of young people on this site is very important to us – so important that we make it difficult even for ourselves to find you. So, in those very rare circumstances when we do find someone who is ready to do something scary, we are happy that we are able to help them. Good for you that the hospital was so helpful to you.
- That being said, the hospital is meant to be a place that we stay for only a short time. It’s like a regular hospital. You start there when you are very sick or have a serious injury, and then you go home to finish your recovery. You can’t stay there forever even if the doctors, nurses and other patients were really helpful to you. The same is true for a mental hospital. You can only stay long enough to stabilize your medications, determine some strong treatment goals and then work on your recovery with your aftercare helpers. It may not seem fair to have to let go of people you’ve formed bonds with, but this is the idea of the way things work.
- We also can really hear the pain and loss in your writing. We can tell that you are really missing a place that gave you a sense of peace and healing. The challenge now is to build that feeling in your real life outside of the hospital. You mentioned a feeling of “derealization” which is a sense of confusion about what is truly real. We can assure you that your life outside of the hospital is indeed your real life. The small sliver of time you had in the hospital with the particular people who were there at that time is something that can’t be repeated. Even if you went back today it would not be exactly like you remember it. If this realization brings you to a crisis situation we would recommend that you visit the TeenCentral HELP page and/or go to your local emergency room. Also, if you feel you are experiencing abuse in your home (as you mentioned the screaming and so on) please reference this What’s New Blog on the topic of Getting Help for Abuse During the Pandemic.
- It sounds like there is some conflict with you and your immediate family. Are there any other older and wiser family members to whom you could talk? Sometimes it’s really helpful to be able to talk to someone who you know cares about you and can give you direct feedback in a face to face conversation.
WORKING ON YOU
- The world needs you in it. Those of us at TeenCentral strongly believe this! So we want to encourage you to focus on your recovery. It’s time to move forward from the mental hospital and begin focusing on the aftercare providers that were set up for you like your outpatient therapist, your psychiatrist and anyone else (group therapy, etc.) with whom you’re working on in therapy at this time. It’s time to set goals for the future and make a relapse prevention plan so all of this doesn’t spiral down again. We recommend starting a journal if you haven’t already. This is a place you can write and review your feelings. You can look back and see your progress and remember what you planned. Read HERE about how journaling helps reduce stress.
- Another resource that would be good to check out is our TeenCentral Support Plan. This is something you could work on with a therapist or on your own and could be very helpful to you.