My mom hits me. If I ever do something horrible, my mom would hit me. If I ever hug her, she hits me. If I even annoy her, she hits me. My mom once hit me so hard, that the object she was hitting me with broke. My dad feels bad but there isn’t much he could do. I do bad things, but I don’t want to do those things. I just can’t control myself at all. It is my fault that I get beatings, my mom isn’t crazy, and she does LOVE me. I do horrible things that deserve a beating. But I don’t believe hitting someone is the answer. My mom will also say horrible things about me. She would say how she wishes I was dead. Or she would say how much she hates me, and how I should die, or how horrible I am. She would tell me to go to hell. She would say how ugly I am or how I’m worthless and I do nothing. She makes fun of me for everything. On black Friday she got me nothing but an article of women’s clothing. It was a bra. That’s all she got me. She got my brothers multiple stuff yet she got me only one item. I started watching gory videos as a sense of comfort. I feel horrible watching them. Sometimes they leave me with nightmares for weeks and I never forget those videos. I’ve seen children die. I’ve seen people burned alive. I’ve seen people’s faces when they die. How they look. I’ve heard that when you die, you look peaceful but in these videos that’s not the case. I don’t want to watch these videos, but even when I’m happy I still make time to view these gruesome sites. I also get made fun of in school. School is hell and home is okay when my mother is not mad at me. My mom usually (95%) of the time isn’t mad at me but it still hurts. I used to think about dying all the time. I would dream about it. Sometimes even try it, but after watching those videos I don’t want to die. It hurts so bad. Because sometimes I might want to die but then I rememeber those people who have died. I saw a man jumping off a building to commit suicide and the noise of the fall was horrific. Then I saw how his body looked after the impact. It was horrible. The comments that were in the comments section was so bad that I actucally threw up. I want to change. I want to be better for my mom and in life and stop viewing such videos. But I want to do this without therapy. Please do not think my mom hitting me is her fault. It isn’t her fault. I deserved to get beat. I do horrible things. I broke my family tv. I said nasty things, etc. Yes I deserve it and my mom is a nice person. I saw my mom crying in her room late at night because she beat me. She never beat me so hard that I bled or I had a scar. Never. It hurts her more than it hurts me. I want to change so my mom ain’t gonna have to beat me and I ain’t gonna watch those videos. I want to be happy. I want to be better. I want things to go well in school. I know I’m not going to change. I really want to make life a little better for me and my family. I don’t want to view these videos. The reason why I am writing to you is that I need help and I can’t do this on my own. Thank you.
Verbal and physical abuse is difficult to endure, and very painful to go through, for anyone. You are not alone in what you are going through.
If you are contemplating suicide please call CHILDHELP USA at 1-800-422-4453. There are professional counselors there that will listen to what you have to say, the call is also available 24/7, it’s confidential and it’s toll-free.
Talk to someone you can trust — a family member, a trusted teacher, a doctor, or a school or religious youth counselor. Many teachers and counselors have training in how to recognize abuse and how to advise someone who is being abused.
You are right to state hitting someone is not the answer. Hitting is abusive, and so is name calling——no one deserves to be abused. If you are able to, read books on coping or join a group of other people that are also going through what you are also going through. Books or joining a group can help you figure out ways to cope and heal.
Watching gory videos can affect you mentally in ways that you may not realize. Try to develop healthy habits to help you cope, like exercise, taking up a hobby or sport, or listening to motivational coaches online. All of these habits would help you not only deal with your current situation but can also help you develop a healthier self esteem of yourself.
I hear that you want to change! That is great! I also hear you want to do it without therapy. It is important that you share what is going on with an adult. Hopefully, that adult can help you work through it and help you decide if you need therapy. It is very difficult to go through all of this alone and as a minor. You need the guidance of a trusted and wise adult. If your school has a social worker, they should be able to connect you with some services to get you the help you need. It actually shows strength to write the message you wrote. You also have the strength to seek help from an adult.
Remember these truths—-you are a unique, special individual who was put on this Earth for a purpose. You are amazing, you are great, and you are awesome. No matter what you are going through, tell yourself everyday that you are an amazing individual. You will come to understand that name calling and abusive language and physical abuse have no place in your life or in your mind.
Who is a trusted adult that you can talk to?
What hobbies or healthy activities can you start to do?
What are the characteristics that make you a special and unique individual ?
How can you protect yourself from abuse mentally and physically?