My reality is my worst fear
This is the second time I’m reaching out to you guys because I’m am now considering going somewhere to seek help because I am sick. There is only one fear that eats me every time I think about going away to seek help, and it is the fear of losing someone I love, another person because of the lack of connection. It happened before with all the guys I’ve ever dated and my parents dictate my life. Who I love, who I’m friends with all depend on if they like them not. if I like them, they tell me I’m wasting my time and that’s why I can’t do anything. I feel worthless without their approval. I feel sick if I don’t act to what they want me to. I develop stress and depression from cabin fever because they want me inside watching my special needs siblings. so they rely on me a lot. I’m almost 18 and they don’t even have the time to let me have a job nor teach me how to drive. I feel stuck here.
My first ex – my mom told me to tell him he was too clingy and that my relationship with him would never last because it was my first relationship and I couldn’t see him because his mom was an alcoholic. She then told me to tell him that he was ‘mental’ and needed help. the only one who turned ‘mental’ was me. she ended up taking a stronger dosage of her depression medication as I started to develop depression and horrible social anxiety. I feared to tell anyone about the real me and what I have to go through every day.
I now struggle with self-punishment. I don’t feel like I deserve to either eat that day, but now if that happens I make sure I eat dinner so they don’t worry about me. or if I get yelled at I dig my nails into my skin so I don’t cry when they yell at me for doing something wrong. When they catch me doing it my dad makes a face at me while copying the same clawing motion I was doing only making me feel worst and more like if I don’t stop this I could lead myself to more self-harm. His mom ended up calling Child Protective Services because they thought my mom was mentally abusing me. All the charges were dropped and he had to go cyber for two years because we still loved each other it was only my parents that got in the way.
Later on, my best friend slowly started treating me like s__t because I didn’t really like something she wanted me to do and turned all my friends against me. I fell in love with my other best friend because I helped him out of his toxic relationship. I could never hold best friends because of lack of contact, my only communication was with them was online and seeing them at school. it’s only rare if I’m allowed to get to a birthday party or the fair but only if my dad can drive me. My parents feared that I would get kidnapped or raped because when I was little before I went to anyone’s house I had to ask if their uncle or older brother lived with them and if so I wasn’t allowed over. they all thought I was crazy and every year over the summer people forgot about me.
My relationship with my best friend turned into a toxic relationship that I thought he was my everything, I devoted my love, time, and body and he just used me. His psychotic ex tried to break us up twice. She messed with my depression because I could tell that I was losing his attention and love. Before all that s__t happened the two weeks we started dating my parents didn’t like this – (one) because what he posted about strict they didn’t allow me to see him outside of the house and called it an in-school relationship. My other best friend told me that our relationship was disgusting and that I’m a horrible person for dating him and this all happened within a month that we started dating. Last summer she turned on me. she created an Instagram account devoted to helping people and listening to their problems, that account took a major toll on her mental health and when I told her that she snapped at me telling me how hard her life is. and I get that everyone’s family dynamic is different, like with my family. I have two siblings with special needs and another sister that treats me like s__t, My dad works nights and my mom claims she works but the only jobs she held for a long time was her cutting at the Barbershop because we were poor. now the only reason why she can support her small businesses is that she loses interest in them and we end up losing thousands of dollars of unsold inventory just sitting in her office. Well back to the best friend, her harassment continued for the next few months and she told everyone that I kept contacting her and all those lies led to random people harassing me for no reason. Then around that time, my boyfriend left me to go back to his ex but that didn’t work out and he came back to me. I was stupid to let him back in and also stupid to tell my other friend what was going on between us as she then used it as a tool to take him away from me. I trusted him when he told me as they started to get close to my boyfriend at that time and he told me not to worry about anything because he would never go out with her. three weeks later he started dating her without telling me because she claimed that she got raped and he was there when she was most vulnerable. She didn’t even tell the police nor her parents but just him and that’s why they started dating. I became Bisexual because of the s__t he put me through.
I’m afraid to tell my parents because they make fun of my sister and me because whenever I say I was talking about a girl or my best friend, my mom thinks I have a girlfriend or another boyfriend making me think I’m a whore. I decided to go out with my boyfriend of now 2 months and I’m afraid my mom will make me break up with him because of his schizophrenia. Now I sit in isolation for the last two months. the only contact between us is email and they took him away from me like he was an object and not the person that I love and makes me happy. My anxiety and depression gets worst because I have to keep it in. My mom is too emotionally unstable to talk to about my problems and shes always one-sided on her decisions and my dad makes fun of how I act when I’m unstable and threatens to take my room or boyfriend away.
I am a horrible person. I am damaged. I am sick. I am not me anymore.
- First of all, thank you so much for making yourself vulnerable and sharing so openly all that is going on in your life. Anyone would feel overwhelmed with these issues, as I’m sure you do. It takes a lot of bravery to come forward and be transparent about problems in your life. This is the first step in helping yourself. If you are serious about seeking help from a place where you can stay for a while, speak to therapists and doctors about your depression and other concerns, I would highly recommend that you go to the nearest emergency room. From there you can request what hospital you would like to go to. They can help you with insurance questions. They can speak with your parents also about these issues. That is the first step in entering a facility like you mentioned in your first few sentences.
- Since TeenCentral stories often receive feedback several hours after they are written I want to connect with a more immediate text service in case you ever need more interactive responses. The Crisis Textline is available 24 hours a day 7 days a week. All you need to do is Text “HELLO” to 741741 www.crisistextline.org See the “Help” tab on TeenCentral.com for more of these hotlines and websites that may be helpful to you.
- I know you said talking to your parents has not been helpful in the past. Have you ever spoken to a guidance counselor at school? You mentioned cyberschool, so I’m not sure if you are attending cyberschool, which may limit your access to this service. But if you are attending school in person, talking to a guidance counselor could help.
- Do you have any hobbies that you like and enjoy which you have set aside for a while? Have you perhaps considered picking up any of these hobbies or activities that have brought you fun or joy again? Many people with depression don’t realize that they have set aside things they enjoy and when they intentionally pick them back up again it is very helpful. Please think about this.
- Getting outside and exercise can be very helpful when you are feeling depressed or hopeless. With the weather on the bring of change you may have opportunities to just even sit outside and get some sunshine. Do not underestimate how much this could help you – even for just 20 minutes a day.
- Think about your current nutrition and hydration. Do some research online to see what foods are good for people who experience depression and see how that compares to your current nutritional habits. Drinking enough water is also really important. Fill up that water bottle girl!