Stories

Repeating My Mistakes

By May 28, 2021May 30th, 2021No Comments

Well… hi. I just came across this website after typing in something I’ve been feeling for a few months now, except I’ve only made those feelings worse.

I don’t really know where to start, where I begin with my story. But all I know, is I’ve made the same mistake for about 5 years now. I’m 16, but the problem really began when I met this guy over the internet. I was completely infatuated. It felt like love at the time, but what does a young girl know about love? After my step mother was kicked out of my house it was just my brother, my brother’s fiancee, two siblings and I. I no longer got that ”certain” freedom that I had grown up with for a little while, which was a bit healthier for me. I was stuck in my room, I didn’t take care of myself like a 10 year old little girl should have been. But I had him, and that’s all that mattered, right? My new guardians found out about that guy who I cared about so damn much. Even after all the cutting, begging… I thought I needed him. It was so sick, and the people who surrounded our relationship were nothing but trauma. I almost feel awful for him. I’ve always had a problem with ”older men” and validating me. Like without an older figure in my life, I’ve lived off of validation. For a long time I had no internet access. After those screw ups, I met another guy who wasn’t right and talked weird. I’m sure you can imagine what I mean. It was an off and on screw up. I never learned. Well, after all those constant feelings of feeling worthless, alone, like I had no one, that even in my head after all that I thought he still cared about me? But even he was trying to get away from his problems and make his life better. Fast forward a few years and I’m a teen girl in my Sophomore year. COVID caused restrictions so we went from all virtual, to hybrid with me still doing virtual and FINALLY having a phone. Well guess who goes and screws all of that up? All of the friends I made via video games and websites? Gone. I have been going crazy, worried they’ll forget me or that they’ll remove me. All that hard work I did to get my parents to trust me again? Down the damn drain. Now I’m clueless. What do I do? I know I deserve these consequences for messaging that guy again. I slipped up. I did it. I know I wasn’t supposed to message him again, but I was worried. Worried for him. That’s it. There was nothing else, and my mother knows that. Yet I sacrificed all my new friends to message that guy again who is trying to forget about me, honestly. I should have stayed away. I got a job before all of this mess. I’m scared for my new friends and it keeps troubling me. I don’t want them to forget about me, they’re all so special. All I can do from here is start from stage one- not argue with my brother, do chores, the little things. I’ll come back in 4 months in September. Maybe then I’ll have my phone back.  I regret having feelings, my emotions always get the best of me. I make stupid actions… at least I’ve realized this. I just need to stop repeating it.

 

Helping Yourself

  • It must be really hard to have all of these feelings going on inside. Thank you for reaching out to us for help.
  • It sounds like you may be missing some things in your life. Have you talked about these feelings with your family and asked for help in maintaining the healthy lifestyle that you want?
  • Have you thought about talking with a counselor or therapist about these feelings you have and the difficulties they’re presenting for you? It’s often helpful to have an unbiased person to help you sort through what’s going on in your life and help you gain some insight into what you need to do to move forward.

 

Moving forward

  • The last year and a half have been very difficult to navigate with Co-Vid, school and a lack of socialization- you’re not alone in this. You may want to consider talking with your family/ guardians about finding a way to get involved in some things again that don’t take place online and would allow you to meet new people and help with the loneliness you may be feeling.
  • On our website, we have several areas that you may find help in some way. In our “WHAT’S NEW” section we have blogs with topics around Co-Vid, mental health and stress relief that may be of interest to you.
  • In our “LEARN” and “TOOLS” section, we have many resources that include the topics listed above, but also include resources for Depression. Being isolated for a long period of time can lead to feelings of Depression that people may or may not recognize.  This may help you determine if that’s what you’re feeling right now, and give you ideas for how to work through it.