I am only a teenager and I am a girl but I am bisexual and I like girls more. I have been depressed since I was only 6 due to bullying, harassment, getting sa’d, lack of care from my parents before. I was also exposed to explicit content at the age of 8 by a older guy whom I met in a mobile online app game. I have never been cared for before and I was forced to handle everything by myself and my parents were homophobic so I was trying to hide myself from them because I know they wouldn’t accept me. I was also insecure of my looks because I felt like I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t fit on being a woman even if I did try being more feminine, I still can’t get used to it. Anytime I have a relationship, I always seem to ruin it. Because of me being avoidant and struggling with disorganized attachment. I did used to have a past gf but she give me nothing and only tried making me jealous by using my best friend and even kiss her right in front of me and when I did have a boyfriend, he only talks about the explicit stuff on what will he do to me like when I was literally young and clearly uncomfortable. I did used to be so immature and talks about explicit stuff because I was exposed to it in such an early age but I never said any of that kind of stuff to my past relationships because I respect them. On each year, I start getting mature and become heavily focused in my academics which I did get high grades from it and everyone rely on me but the only bad thing about it was that everyone relied on me too hard and that someone was only trying to talk to me just for answers and tried to become my friend in order to gain benefits of academic excellence from it. This year is also when a guy happens to lead me on and give me false hope, I clearly moved on fast though but this is also the year where I lost my friend group that I have for 2 years which worsen my depression and anxiety because they were all I ever have and I seem to ruin it because of me being immature before and swearing at them in texts, starting an argument for no reason at all which leads to a downfall in the friendship. Timeskip to my current life now, I was heavily depressed now because I was so lonely before during the start of June and I come back to my ex bf because I was very lonely and didn’t have anyone to be there for me but because he lacks emotional intelligence, I just immediately broke up with him but me being avoidant was also the reason. I did love my past gf and bf deeply though which also gets me depressed and feel guilty after leaving them. And I also struggle with academics this year because I’m in star class with a room full of smart people and I can’t barely raise my hand in class because of me being shy and due to my anxiety. I was very scared that I may get judged even if I know the correct answer. I did still get a high grade because of my high scores though and me passing a performance output and participation in activities for group works. Now in August, this is where I start to feel things heavily because I was at my lowest point and even tried to end my life at some point by using rope and a knife to commit at night when my family is sleeping and when the lights were off. The attempts never worked but I always did try and think about it constantly. I met a girl online who struggles with BPD and this is my first experience meeting someone with a BPD. She was very kind at first and we talk about anime and stuff then get to know each other. I was always there for her and comfort her, we always send each other videos like “Us?”, “You and me”, and talking about loving each other, kisses, hugs. We talked everyday and got each other’s socials like discord. I was happy for the first time because of her since she makes me feel seen and special. I asked her about her birthday and her likes then dislikes which she said that she dislikes being ignored so I always made sure to reply on time because I was scared that I might make her feel ignored but she said that it was completely fine when it comes to me and that she understands. But one day, she was acting off and getting unusually dry and I asked her if she was okay which she immediately opens up to me. And she actually got a crush on a guy this whole time when she was basically talking about kisses and hugs with me. And I was confused but helped her anyways and comforted her and she said that she hates the guy for giving her false hope then ghosting her which leads to her deactivating her account but because I got her discord, I wrote her paragraphs and beg for her to come back which she only said that it turned her on… But she thanked me for everything and come back. Then after that, I begin to be her favorite person and she made me feel seen and loved again. She was the one who I always come home to after school, I know her schedule, she saved me from my past days. She comforted me. And everything. She said I was her most favorite person and that I was the very first one to treat her better because her past relationships were all toxic. I did used to be the one whose always there for her, comforted her, wrote her paragraphs by writing 215 reasons why I love her and creating a presentation to express my full devotion. I talked to my friends about her everyday. I did love her a lot. Not because of her looks, I just really love her for making me feel this way. She also said that I was different compared to others. We used to match profile pictures and her mentioning me in her bio and reposts but she deleted it which I don’t know the reason but understood it and didn’t get mad. She used to always say “I love you” back then but she never did now after this. I think I might scare her off because of how intense my love and devotion was. Since I loved people deeply then getting avoidant. She never wanted me to get hurt, she was always worried about me. But she sometimes also did threaten me that if I ever do something bad to myself then she will do something bad to herself too which in fact scares me off but the threat did work because I loved her a lot. I assumed she also did know I love her a lot. Because of my depression, I always open up to her and constantly apologize which she said that she didn’t want me apologizing and also keep threatening me that if I keep talking like this then maybe she wouldn’t use social media which scares me off again because I always want to talk to her because she was my safety space and part of my daily routine. I’m gonna summarize the others and just will focus on her personality because the story with her is very long. In every argument, she back-fires her words and didn’t care to listen to my logic but her emotions. She was also caught in an action of manipulating me. She was worried about me and keeps calling me before when I self-harm and did always waited for me. I always give the most affection for this relationship. Then because of my bad memory, I don’t remember the other parts but I will talk about the current situation. When everything leads to the downfall, she said that she was misunderstood and that she only sees me as her great best friend… And writing paragraphs after that which I wrote paragraphs too and block her in her alt account when she tries to reach out but now I’m doing the chasing then reaching out to her and writing paragraphs but she blocked me and my alt account but during September 16-18, she unblocked me probably just to check my reposts which is full of memes because I use humor as a coping mechanism sometimes then blocked me after. Now, I’m chasing her again and writing paragraphs to her in other alt then getting blocked. And after that, she suddenly moved on from me and got a new bf right after 1 week. When I just literally leave her. And her bf sent me a response to stop talking to her and stop using alt accounts which I tried to play it cool and casually said that I can move on faster and detach faster of the other person has a new person because I was feeling like I can move on very fast. And I also feel guilty and said that I didn’t knew and thanked him for opening my mind and that I was doubting my intelligence and didn’t notice a single pattern about her having a new fp then blocked him after. I was clearly so mad and embarrassed that time. but then because she have a new fp, I tried moving on too. But I still couldn’t moved on from her because I love her a lot before and give her everything which I can’t give back to the new person and that makes me feel guilty because I was kind of using the new person as a distraction. I am self-aware that I was toxic. The new person was even mentally ill too which scares me off if I try to leave them but I didn’t want them to get hurt because of me. I can’t even say “I love you”, “i miss you” back to the new person. Because it feels like a lie. I just want my avoidant technique to win this time because I don’t want anyone getting hurt because of me. I’m so confused. I’m so guilty. All I feel is disgust for myself. All I feel is annoyance whenever I see that new person’s message. I can’t even talk to the new person everyday. I can’t do anything with her. I can’t even leave her either because I will be forced into drowning in a ocean full of guilt and getting stuck on the constant thoughts about the person who I always come home to. My depression episode still never ends after a week-month. I keep thinking about her. I’m so confused. I love and hate her at the same time in the same equal amount. I struggle with my identity too, I also don’t know what am I thinking. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m going insane. I can’t think properly. She’s driving me crazy. My friends told me to move on and that I should focus on myself and neither the two person but I can’t. Because I was always stuck on the first person. I’m so guilty because I lead the second person on just to see her as a distraction. I’m so sorry. I don’t know. I don’t know why am I like this. I don’t know why did I do that. Why did the first person leave me. Why is my life like this? What am I feeling. Why do I exist. I shouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with the second person if I was stuck with the person. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t even get a therapist because of my age and my parents struggle with finances. And I don’t know where to get one. I barely have friends either and only talk to 4 people because of me being shy and looking mean due to my resting face. I hate people too and everyone at school because they keep being immature and acting different towards me and feel the need to start an argument or one-sided beef because of my resting face. I don’t even know them, they’re being delusional. That one girl from my class even thinks I am hating on her which annoys me because she’s delusional as well. Everyone is just trying to make me mad at this point. Then when I go out to use the bathroom at school, that one friend of my ex bf keeps talking about coming back to my ex bf even though my ex bf was a pervert before, lacks emotional intelligence and also I like girls. Every time I talk to a teacher, they keep talking about God which I understand but it can’t help me. I don’t know what could save me at this point. I don’t understand everything. Why do I even exist at this point. Why is life being miserable whenever the time passes by.
First I want to commend you for being so brave to reach out to us seeking help. I know for some, that can be very difficult to do, but you found the strength to do it. Now lets look at how we can help.
FIRST THINGS FIRST
- It has to be really difficult to share such sensitive information about yourself to anyone, given your situation. Even to share your feelings here, with our Teen Central Community, must have taken some serious courage. So, thank you for coming to us. Never feel you have to be alone. As you may have seen on our page, there are many other kids like you who have similar struggles and this is a safe place to talk about them.
- If your mental health symptoms of depression, anxiety and self-injury ever become more intense – so intense to the point that you consider or even think about of suicide –
…stop what you are doing immediately and DIAL or TEXT the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or chat online at 988lifeline.org. This resource is available to you 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year.
- Other numbers may be helpful to your specific situation due to issues you are facing. Most of the ones recommended by Teen Central are listed on our HELP PAGE. The reason we provide these numbers to you is because sometimes it is really helpful to talk on the phone or over chat where you are having a back-and-forth conversation rather than waiting for an answer.
- You said in your story that you struggle with disorganized attachment and feeling deeply and strongly about others, I want to recognize how that may present challenges in your life and your relationships with others. The impact this has on your life can be very noticeable and I can see how hard you have tried to correct that.
- Something to think or journal about: What emotion is loudest right now, and where do you feel it physically in your body?, If this feeling could talk, what message is it trying to give you? Also – are there any safe adults in your life who you can talk to about your struggles? (They don’t have to be family members).
WORKING THROUGH THE ISSUES
Self-Injury: If hurting yourself is the way you are coping with all of this stress, ask yourself is there another way – a safer way- to cope with these overwhelming feelings? There are some ideas here right on TC and one tool you might be able to buy online:
Depression and Anxiety: Did you know you can talk to your pediatrician about your depression and anxiety? He or she may be able to help you. In most scenarios medical professionals can be of assistance as well If you attend school, you may be able to receive services there. Ask a guidance counselor and tell them about your situation. In the meantime, you can work on some of your issues with tools we have right here:
Hopelessness and loneliness: I know life can be quite difficult to navigate sometimes but DON’T GIVE UP! If you ever feel like you need someone to talk to just remember, Teen Central Community is here to help. If you feel like you want to seek more help, try talking to your parents or someone you trust (like a counselor, therapist, etc.) about ways that they might be able to support you. If this does not work and you need immediate help you can always reach out to…
Crisis Textline
Available 24/7
Support to all individuals in crisis
Text “HOME” to 741741
www.crisistextline.org
Remember there is always more beyond what we see, we just have to be brave enough to endure the difficulties along the way. Continue to look for safe people in your family and friendships, or even your community. Focus your efforts into creating relationships that support and build YOU, and as always, Teen Central will be here if you need us!
