Sometimes I Cry Myself to Sleep
Hello people. I am depressed. This is the world we are living in. A world full of people who bully others to the point where people feel depressed. I have thought of suicide. I have thought of self harm. This is my life. I have been and still am bullied in school. I have been choked out to the point of temporary damage in my throat, punched, shoved, and many more ways of physical abuse. This is life. My brother has had over 60 surgeries. There were sometimes just emergency surgeries for my brother in events where I would wake up with my grandma at my house and my parents were gone with my brother because he needed to go to the hospital. Last year my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Her surgery was the day before my birthday. Do you know how that feels? It feels pretty horrible. This is life. My grandmother is bipolar. She had been forgetting to take her meds lately. So when she comes over you don’t know what side you are getting. Happy, or in a terrible mood. So when she is in one of those terrible moods, she takes it out on the closest person around. Usually me. So sometimes I feel like my grandma hates me. Because my brother has had so many surgeries and goes through so much, my grandma babies him. So my brother will do something to annoy me, and I will get mad, them my grandma gets mad at ME for being mad at my brother. This is life. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I can never feel like I do anything right. That everything I do is a mistake and a bad decision. Sometimes I wonder why I am alive. What is the point of me being here. We all go through things and that is my story. Life is just tough shit.
You are dealing with many difficult circumstances in your family and your school that anyone would have a hard time managing. You are strong for speaking up and seeking some help.
It is very important for you to continue talking when you experience suicidal thoughts. There is help for you. Consider telling a trusted adult about your thoughts. You deserve support and care just as much as the other members of your family. Also, you can contact the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 day or night if you need someone to talk to or text HELLO to 741741 anytime. Please don’t wait if these thoughts or feelings happen again.
You are not alone struggling to understand why the things in your life are happening and how to make sense of it all. Consider making time for things that help you feel calm or happy, you’re good at, or give you a chance to step away from your stress for a while. It is ok to take time for yourself and things you enjoy.
The Teen Central website has a number of resources that may give you some information about some of the issues you’re dealing with – check out the Learn tab for info about topics such as Depression, Bullying, Self Injury (Self-Harm), Suicide and more. Also, consider looking at the Tools tab to download resources for help with positivity, yoga, relationships and others.
Can you write down three things that you promise yourself you will do if you believe you are in danger, either from someone else’s choices or your own thoughts and feelings?
Could you take 10 minutes each day to do something that helps you feel calm or happy?
Can you identify one or two adults that would hear you? Can you practice starting a conversation with them by talking to yourself in the mirror or writing your thoughts to them in a letter? When you’re ready, try talking to them.
Can you find activities through school or the community that could bring you in contact with new people that have similar interests?