My mom beats me and says nasty things. This always happens. But don’t get her wrong, she doesn’t mean to, she doesn’t want to do any of these things. In fact, just because she doesn’t want to hit me, she hits herself sometimes, and slaps herself, before she finally resorts to pulling my hair and slapping me against the floor. It’s nothing like she’s into bad things or anything, it’s me. it’s all me. I’ve done bad things and I am a terrible person.
I provoke her from time to time. She has enough on her plate as it is, with my sister having passed about 3 years ago, (4 years next march) and very unpleasant family relations. Dad works in a different city so that is hard on her as well. But I deserve all of what I’m being subjected to. I’m rude and I disrespect her. Not only this, I also did a very terrible thing which is, by far the biggest regret of my life. I don’t come from one of those ”first world countries” and have always had a sort of what you’d call an inferiority complex. And I never was a nationalist, nor was I ever proud of my ethnicity. (I’m an Indian).
What does that have to do with this? Well, I’ve never had great friendships in real life, so I tried online friendships. But a substantial part of what I said wasn’t true. I lied about my nationality and in fact I even ”catfished”. Because I thought I’d be judged for who I am and where I’m from. Irrespective, I met some friendly people online who I got along with. However, as the friendships advanced, it started to kill me inside. Why was I doing this? What would others in real life think of me if they got to know what I’m really like?
Believe me, I used to be a good kid, according to what I’ve been told by my parents and what I’ve known to be. I had good grades, and I was athletic. Just why did I do what I did? I know I don’t deserve to be forgiven for the crimes I have committed. I have done the unforgiveable. And last September, my parents found out about all of this online drama I’d been a part of. They dug into it, cracked passwords and everything. This hurt my mother greatly, and of course I am not entitled to blame her for her slapping me after what I had done. Now that I have started to move on after what happened, I have reasonably satisfying grades again, and am keeping up with stuff but things still aren’t okay.
I know, I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TRUSTED, but even before what I did was known to them, or before I had even started, I led a life with multiple restrictions imposed on whatever activity other than academics I’d want to do. No watching serials (netflix), no talking to older friends (we had recently relocated from a country abroad, back to our country), because my mom believes they were a bad influence (only because of the friendly banter and jokes we’d have). Maybe just like any other teen, I too, learnt to be self conscious of myself, my appearances and my weight. I’m not that bad looking, but I believe I weigh a slight bit extra. So I’d been trying to restrict myself to a diet. of course I don’t expect my family to understand what it is like to be self conscious. You know what, I feel like I don’t even have a right to be ranting like this and victimize myself. It doesn’t sit right that way. I deserve severe punishments (and physical abuse probably isn’t enough).
All I want, is to win over my parents again, be the kid they’d want me to be, and be respectful of what they have to say. But I’m scared to be lonely. Just before the pandemic made it to our country, I had recently joined another school. I never got to physically attend it, yet cause of the perpetual lockdown. I never made good friends here, and I really couldn’t have, with just virtual meetings every weekday. I barely talk to my older friends, and they’re doing just fine, they’ve moved on. But I’m hung on to the past and still hope for our friendship to continue.
What can I do to be a good person again, win over my parents, and live just fine on my own?
- Thank you for reaching out to TeenCentral and sharing your story. You do NOT deserve this type of treatment from your mother or anyone else. You are incredibly brave for reaching out for help during this frightening time! Your safety is the highest priority!
- You wrote in your story that you believe “you deserve to be hurt”. We know that this is something you’ve learned from childhood. It will be hard to consider a new way to think – that there are boundaries to how a child should be disciplined and it does NOT include slapping, hitting or in any way beating them. There are other ways to safely discipline a child while they also remain safe both physically and emotionally. On the TeenCentral website under the “HELP” tab, there are numbers you can call to get help, including 1800-4-A-CHILD (1800-422-4453). You could also text HELLO to 741741 if making a call isn’t possible. Both of these resources are available 24/7. Specifically in Delhi India you can use this website to report a case of child abuse: REPORT A CASE.
- We encourage you to take a step back and really think about the severity of the response your parents are having to your behavior. While perhaps you do need some guidance, do you feel that this kind of violence is helping you learn? Is it teaching you what you SHOULD do? Or is it just teaching you to not like yourself and to be afraid? The answers to these questions should lead you to understand that your parents’ actions are actually ABUSIVE to you – not just regular parental discipline. You need help. So please make a phone call. Text the crisis line or report your case. Do something to help yourself now.
- Do you have someone you trust that you can talk to? This could be a friend, neighbor, teacher, or guidance counselor. You also mentioned the loss of your sister, making some poor choices, and feeling alone. Having someone that you can trust to help you along the way could really be beneficial. This would provide you with someone to talk to and to express your thoughts and feelings to. Sometimes letting strong emotions build can make you feel worse or can lead you to make unsafe or negative choices.
- You spoke about being a good student, being athletic, and making better choices. Why do you think things changed? Sometimes when we have major events or changes in life, it can impact us. It may lead to changes in life choices, behaviors, and overall feelings. Have you talked to anyone about things that have happened in your life? If you don’t feel ready to talk to someone, try journaling. Holding on to your thoughts and feelings can make you feel trapped. Releasing your thoughts, feelings, worries, and dreams can help you on the path to healing. If you need ideas to get you started with journaling, Click Here.
- You matter! You are important! How do you take care of yourself? How do you make healthy choices? Click here for wellness ideas. There are several ideas for you to try. Find things that work for you. What makes you feel better? What helps you release the emotions building up inside? How can you keep yourself moving on path to a healthy lifestyle?