I am a 20-year-old medical student. I am currently involved in a relationship with an amazing 25-year-old guy who is a doctor and is not specializing in surgery. He is so amazing. He is always there for me; and even though he has the most busy routine, he makes time for me. He is never rude to me. He even takes out time to help me study. We have been together for a year. I love him so much and he loves me back. He lets me be my own person. He has never tried to forcefully influence me or ask me to not to do something. He is even respectful when we are intimate and says that if I don’t want him to even hold my hand, he doesn’t care. He just wants to be with me. He makes me feel so loved and cherished. Of course we argue, but even that makes us stronger. He knows everything about me from the time I tried to kill myself to my most embarrassing moments and he doesn’t seem to care.
The problem is that before my current boyfriend, Z, I used to date Q. Q was my best friend before we got together. We dated for a year and we broke up ten days before our 1-year anniversary. I loved him so much. He went abroad to study and changed. He started having issues with my religious beliefs even though we belonged to the same religion and the differences were minute. He started saying how his family did not accept. At first he didn’t tell me this and he would not make any time for me. He told our mutual friends being in a relationship with me was hard. He became distant and harsh because he had started to distance himself from me. After a while he caved and told me his parents didn’t accept the difference and that is why he was behaving like this. We tried to end it but we couldn’t. A few days later he stopped giving me time again. I said we should end it. He agreed. I tried to fix it but he told me to let it go and within 3 months of his going abroad to study we broke up. I felt like he seemed glad to get rid of me. It hurt me so bad. I broke down. I controlled myself and didn’t text him again after the day it ended. I completely changed. I just felt so awful. I wrote a letter to him and then sent it in to a local magazine. The magazine published it as a piece of fiction. The letter contained all my emotions and pain. I started talking to Z a few weeks after my break up and we became amazing friends. Then we started dating and it just clicked amazingly. Previously, I had made a fake Instagram account to stalk my ex. I found out he had started dating a girl in his university who had a completely different religion and they uploaded pictures full of PDA. It hurt, but I was over it. Later I found out that he even read the letter I wrote but he didn’t feel like doing anything about it.
All was well. I would regularly stalk him, but it was for curiosity’s sake. A few weeks back out of the blue he texted me. He was back home and wanted me to stop holding grudges. One year and seven months after breaking up, he hoped we could be friends again. I was polite but rude. I replied to him with single words, although he tried to be friendly, and I just stopped replying. Finally, I had the upper hand. I stalked his account. He had just come home from a 2-week holiday in Paris with his girlfriend so I felt kind of devastated because I wanted him to want me again but he didn’t. He tried to start conversation again once but I shut him down by replying rudely. I wanted to maintain my upper hand. He even sent me a follow request on Instagram. I didn’t accept as I assumed he wanted me to follow him back and see his gf. But now I can’t get him out of my mind. I stalk him continuously and I just want to talk to him. I don’t want to date him but I want him in my life. A small part of me wants to make him to fall for me again, and I have fantasies about him leaving his gf and realizing that I am the one; but then I would tell him “Heck, no”. I keep on thinking of excuses to text him but I don’t want to lose my upper hand.
I feel like I am cheating on my boyfriend but I just want to get my ex out of my system. What should I do? I keep on stalking him and checking his last seen on Whatsapp and say to myself that if he is online I will text him. Somehow I never seem to have the courage. My ex is happy with his gf and I am happy with my guy. I feel like my heart and brain is messing everything up. I finally got the upper hand but now I am messing everything up. Then I got anonymous messages on Instagram saying that my ex and his friends are saying stuff about me. I know inside that it’s not true. My ex isn’t like that. My friends and boyfriend told me to ignore them and not to text him. My boyfriend said I should do whatever I believe I should do and he will stand by me no matter what. I feel like this is the perfect excuse to start a conversation with my ex and be friends again without losing my upper hand. What should I do? Should I message him? Help me,
CONSIDER THIS:
- It’s natural to think about ex-boyfriends from time-to-time. You might wonder what they’re up to and who they’re dating now. When you find out they’re dating someone else and they appear to be happy, it’s even quite natural to feel little pangs of jealousy, because you may not have had enough information at the time to understand why they became distant with you before it finally had to end.
- The real danger comes when you start to obsess on your ex. If you’re in a new relationship and you’re truly happy, there’s really no place for your ex anymore. You don’t want the walls of your heart lined with pictures of your ex. You must take them down to make room for your new main squeeze.
- Your new boyfriend is committed to you and is standing by you. You don’t want to put your current relationship in jeopardy. He seems like a wonderful guy who is stable and has ambition to do great things; but more importantly, he loves you and you have a lot in common.
- Maintain your upper hand and let your ex go, once and for all. You have nothing to gain by hanging on.
HELP YOURSELF:
- What is it that you need to finally gain closure on your previous relationship?
- How would your current boyfriend feel if he knew the lengths you were going to in order to keep tabs on your ex? How could that damage your relationship with him?
- What are some things you can do to “celebrate” the happiness you feel in your current relationship?
