I had two ex-crushes. Let’s call them N and A I guess. N asked me out but I said no because it was against my religion and customs I followed. A would give me mixed signals but then he started flat out making it look like he liked me. He would stare at me, compliment me, always stop me and ask questions he knew the answer to, and try making me laugh. But then he left me and started dating another girl. But the weird thing is, A still stares at me sometimes, he tries his best not to, and it rarely happens, but he still does. I even unfollowed him on Instagram, when he was active. but he still follows me. He even hit me up with streaks on Snapchat but I later deleted Snapchat. (what does this mean.)
I then met this new boy. Let’s call him R. At first I didn’t like him. I even threw something at him. But one day I looked down at his arm and i saw a broken heart drawn on his arm. I didn’t ask him if he was okay but he knew that I realized it. Then one day he was singing “Into the unknown” from frozen 2. I then turned around and complimented him on what a good singer he was. He started talking about himself and how he danced and sung on stage for a living. I then told him what a horrible singer I was and he started telling me that it couldn’t be that bad, and he denied that fact that I was a bad singer. He then smiled and I saw his braces and he realized I saw them, and he told me how he hated having braces because he thought he looked ugly with them but then he said even if he didn’t have braces he would still be ugly. He thought he was ugly and he had an ugly figure. It got me shocked because he was popular and good-looking. He had black hair and blue eyes. I denied that. I just nodded my head and him and silently said no. He looked at me for a really long time and I couldn’t take it anymore so I just looked back, not facing him. He then asked me a question and I responded. he then offered to me to watch some videos with him that we couldn’t watch in class. So I moved to his desk and sat in a chair next to him.*IT WASN’T BAD JUST FUNNY* Our knees were touching I realized it first, and I was going to move my knees but then I wanted him to do it and he realized too but he didn’t move his knee. I guess he wanted me to touch him or something because our hands usually touched. He laughed so hard and I was looking down laughing when I looked up he was leaning towards me laughing. I could see everything. His blue eyes and the black iris. His braces. This went on for a few days until I remembered my ex crushes and how they left and I stopped talking to him.
I’m not proud of stating this but I never got attached. I change people quickly. But then he started coming over to my table and he would talk to other girls in front of me. He would sit at my table and time to time he would try talking to me but mainly talked to the other girls. I then caught him staring at me. I looked back but when I looked again he was still staring at me. We both stared at each other until my annoying math teacher screamed at me to do my work. I also remember this one time, I do this thing where I bite the skin of my thumb when I’m bored. I looked back for some reason and I saw him staring at me doing the same thing, mirroring me. This made me giddy but sad because it reminded me of my ex-crush who would always stare at me and mirrored me. He even told me a trick that you can do in school that you aren’t supposed to tell anyone. I wanted to know but no one told me because they didn’t want it going around. But I never asked him but he told me anyway and this was when I was packing up so when I looked up at his eyes he got kind of startled and his normal confident voice went sweet and kind of quiet and he quickly left. Another time he was sitting at my table and he told a girl about an adult film actress who Ilovefriday made a song on. ‘hit or miss.’ He then said ‘(my name) kind of looks like (adult film actress). (was that a compliment or was that rude? Why would he say that? Obviously, I went quiet and didn’t say anything but I felt my cheeks burn.
Then this one day hit hard, this boy was a class clown and he would do this thing where he would hide behind the door and try to not make the teacher realize and everyone would giggle. There was a substitute with a strong accent who was there and he pulled this stunt up and everyone was laughing including me and he was looking straight at me and laughing. He even got into trouble but he managed to get out of it. I don’t know why but sometimes he talks to other girls, I guess to make me jealous. So I tried doing that to him and he went quiet. Even with the girl, he was talking to. I looked back and his face went white and he looked angry and upset and he wasn’t smiling. Even when he talks to me he makes like a lot of eye contact. (why does he talk to other girls? Should I try making him jealous or is that stupid?) I know I seem cocky and uptight but I have low self-esteem I don’t think I’m some pretty, beautiful girl that gets all the boys.
Then one day on the bus I saw my N looking at me and I thought about him and while heading to bed I dreamt about N and I thought about how I should have accepted him when he asked me out. I should have disobeyed my religion and custom and went out with him. I dreamt about A walking me home and I thought about me kissing him or hugging him instead of saying thank you. I dreamt about him a lot until I had a dream about the boy I like right now. I didn’t dream about Jesus approved things. I dreamt about kissing him and I dreamt about him and me in the school bathroom kissing, without any clothes on. I am sorry this is a shameful dream but I can’t tell this to anyone. No one in my family and none of my friends. Next day at school he wasn’t there because he had to go on a religious voyage and I didn’t want to feel this but I missed him. It made me sad. But I still acted normal and kept it in. Even if he didn’t talk to me the day he was here, it would have felt good to at least have him here. Should I get attached and let him in or should I stop talking to him? Thank you for reading my story I needed someone.
CONSIDER THIS
- Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with the TeenCentral community. It can be difficult and scary to really open up, but in the long run it really helps, so good for you!
- I highly recommend that you click on the “Learn” tab and the “Tools” tab on this website. There is a ton of information about relationships on there that I think could really give you some guidance as you venture into relationships in the teen and young adult years.
- When you are raised in a strong Christian faith there are many values taught to you as you grow. It’s natural to wonder and question these values as you grow up. Have you considered talking with a trusted adult in your faith community who may be able to help you navigate these kinds of struggles? I’m sure you’re not the first young person to question things, and you certainly won’t be the last.
HELP YOURSELF
- When you imagine the best kind of romantic relationship for yourself what characteristics do you think of? How many of these characteristics do you observe in A, N and R?
- Which one of these boys do you think produce the strongest or most intense feelings for you? This may give you a tip as to which person would be a better choice for a romantic relationship verses a close friendship.
- Make sure you think through getting involved with any of these young men physically or sexually very carefully. Educate yourself about sex and make sure you are fully protected before getting involved in that way.
