Crisis- But I Don’t Know Why

HI I wrote the story “Nothing I Can Do” awhile ago.

Since then I feel like things have only gotten worse. This is going to sound really stupid, I apologize.

Lately I feel like I’m breathing remotely. If I don’t think about it I’ll find myself gasping for air. My chest feels tight and I feel ugly lately. I don’t think I’m a girl. Idk what I am, but until now, I haven’t really felt dysphoric. (sorry if that’s the wrong term.)

I’m a girl, but I wish I was a boy. Not just a boy, but a gay boy in a mlm relationship. I know I sound like a fetishizer, maybe I am, but I feel horrible bc of it. I hate my chest, my face, my hair.  I look so feminine. I’m bi- I like boys and girls, but for some reason I wish I was a boy who liked boys. I’m not trans, I think, and I do like girls. I don’t know what’s going on and I feel stupid.

The other night I was watching a movie. It was about a teen boy who realized he was gay, and the struggles it came with. The movie finished and suddenly I was sobbing, I couldn’t breathe. I know it’s dumb, but it was like I realized that could never be me. I could never have a flat chest. I could never have pale skin, fluffy hair and a boyfriend. I know it’s stupid and dumb, but I didn’t feel like it at the time. I was going to try and commit again, for the 4th or 5th time now, and I would have, but I’d run out of enough pills to do it anyways. I shd again, even tho I was clean for a phew days. I cut deeper than before. I bled more. My mum saw me crying and she didn’t care. This was at 3 in the morning btw.

For now, all I can do is feel dumb, change my pronouns to he/they/she and feel bad for myself. I feel horrible, I hate myself. I want to die. I try to die. It’s not fair. This shouldn’t be happening to me. I’m all alone. One time you guys said suicide is a bad decision, because it’s escaping a situation that isn’t permanent, but mine is. I’m alone in Africa surrounded by people who hate me, who i hate. What am I supposed to do ?

Help Yourself:

• It must be really hard to be struggling with such a list of questions about who you are right now, much less who you’re going to be.  Thank you for continuing to reach out to us for support.
• The most important thing in all of this is your safety.  You have so many feelings happening- but you can’t sort through them if you’re not here.  Please, if you’re feeling like dying, call for help right away!
  • Here are some ways to find help in Africa. If we do not have a listing here for the country that you live in, please use the internet and google “[your country], Africa, suicide hotline”
    • Botswana – Helpline 3911270
    • Nigeria – Suicide Hotlines:  +234 (0) 806 210 6493 or +234 (0) 809 210 6493
    • Ghana – Hotline 2332 444 71279
    • Algeria – Hotline: 0021 3983 2000 58
    • Egypt – Befrienders Cairo – Hotline: 762 1602/3 or  762 2381
    • Kenya – Befrienders Kenya – Hotline +254 722 178 177
    • For South Africa:
      • Befrienders Setshabelo Hotline: 051 430 3555
      • Befrienders South Africa Hotline: 051 444 5691 / E-mail Helpline: befriend@iafrica.com
      • Befrienders Botshabelo Hotline: + 27 (0) 51 532 1100
      • Befrienders Mitchell’s Plain Hotline: +27 (0) 21 371 1481
      • Befrienders Bloemfontein Hotline: 051 444 5000 / E-mail Helpline: befrienders@wsinet.co.za
      • Befrienders Kwa Nobuhle Hotline: +27 (0) 41 977 3003

• If you would like a hotline to reach out to regarding all of the questions you have about your identity, the Trevor Project Lifeline may be able to help: http://www.thetrevorproject.org

• Please also reach out and talk with someone. You really continue to struggle and it’s so important to have someone that you can tell – even if they can’t fix your problems or answer your questions. Do you have a family member, trusted friend or adult who you could talk to about what you’re experiencing?  Someone who could be as support for you during this difficult time?

Consider This

• Figuring out who we are and how we fit into this world is a constant question for everyone- you are so not alone in this.  Whether people pose their questions outwardly or keep it to themselves, it’s there.  One thing that makes it more difficult is trying to adhere to the labels that are applied to everything.  Have you tried just being yourself, and not worrying about labeling yourself as anything?  Who you like, how you dress, what your body looks like- these are all pieces of what makes you special, but not who you are as a whole.
• Have you tried doing the things you like to do- sports, music, art, etc. and meet people who have the same interests as you?  It may be helpful to reach out to people and find some who have the same interests.  You could focus more on what you like to do rather than who you are.  It may help you balance your emotions out a bit.
• If you haven’t used the resources on our website, try reading through some of our blogs in the “What’s New” section, or the various tools we have in our “Tools” section.  We cover many topics including suicide, anxiety, lgbtq.  Some of these may help give you some ideas on how to move forward.
• Keep reaching out as you need it to those who can support you.  The things you worry about are the things that make you special.