I don’t know what mental illness I have because I don’t have the means to go to the doctor, but I’m definitely not okay. I recognized my condition since the beginning of middle school. Now that I’m in high school, I’ve had suicidal thoughts and even prepared everything for it. During that period, I treated myself very poorly — I often lost my appetite, scratched myself, choked myself, and so on. I was too afraid of pain to cut my wrists or actually commit suicide.
Now, my mental state has improved, but the destructive lifestyle I had in the past has taken a heavy toll on my physical health. I’ve even had to be hospitalized for severe abdominal pain — pain so intense that I wished I could just die already. Worse, this happens very frequently, and now I’m genuinely considering, in a scientific and rational way, whether I should end it, not because of my mental state anymore.
I’ve been to the hospital, but I suffer from severe forgetfulness and always abandon my treatment plans. No matter what I try, my forgetfulness keeps making me forget everything — I can’t even remember if I’ve taken my medicine or not. My body has deteriorated to the point where I can’t even use medications with antibiotics.
I feel completely stuck because whether I want to live or not is no longer something I can decide based on my feelings anymore.
FIND SOME HELP
- It seems like you’re going through a really hard time right now. Thank you for trusting the TeenCentral community and telling your story. Be proud of yourself for reaching out for help.
- It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of emotions. You mention hurting yourself and consider ending your life, not just in the past but also recently. These are very serious thoughts and feelings. The tone of your writing sounds very hopeless and as though you feel isolated in your situation. Hopelessness and isolation are two major motives for suicide.
There is The National Suicide Hotline available 24/7 when you feel like you don’t have any other choice. You can reach them by dialing or texting 988 or chatting at 988lifeline.org. There’s also the Crisis Textline, you can text “HOME” to 741741. Both are available any day, any time of the day. Someone is simply a text away. You don’t have to feel like you’re in this alone.
- All of this sounds like a lot to handle by yourself. Have you considered talking to someone about how you’re feeling? Think about it. Do you have a family member you feel comfortable talking to about this? A parent, a sibling or family member outside your home? Do you have a friend you can count on? How about a trusted adult at school such as a guidance counselor or teacher? Sometimes having someone to talk to and expressing ourselves can help feel like a weight is lifted off your shoulders.
WHERE TO GO FROM HERE
- Here on TeenCentral under the “Learn” tab we offer different categories about different topics including suicide and depression includes activities you can do to help in the moment, check it out.
- You also mentioned having severe forgetfulness and it getting in the way of your treatment. Have you considered writing things down and making routines for yourself? This can be helpful for anyone experiencing brain fog – which can be a symptom of depression in addition to the reasons you mentioned in your post. This may help keep track of things such as taking your medications.
- Here is a TOOL that may help!
- There are some things you can do to help when you are feeling overwhelmed such as:
- Journaling – having a notebook to keep track of your thoughts and feelings can help express yourself.
- Wellness/Meditation – things such as deep breathing or yoga can be helpful for the mind.
- Art – this can be a helpful tool to also express yourself, have you considered crafting, adult coloring books or collaging?
