I am nervous all the time. I walk around with cold sweat every day. It is uncomfortable and it is a terrible reminder of how uncomfortable I am. I am uncomfortable about everything. I walk into school and I don’t stop feeling anxious until the moment I get home, and even then my home life is not too great. My parents recently got divorced, live in separate places, and I just feel lost. I feel out of place in the situation. I feel out of place EVERYWHERE. I feel like I don’t belong ANYWHERE. I feel like a wandering soul, with no purpose and no direction. I think about my future and it is unbearable- I see nothing but tests and projects and work as an extension of high school. I don’t know how to live the way this world demands and still remain happy. What I want is to travel the world and write in beautiful countries and just go and explore places! Just to “go”! What a wonderful thought! I have that type of dream fantasy, but for me, that’s what will actually make me happy. I have a type of personality that appeals to what my world deems unconventional and unrealistic. I see appeal in free-spirited living, living just for the sake of experiencing. But, I know I am trapped. I am trapped by what is practical. I make decisions based on what is practical. People tell me to do what makes me happy. But doing what will truly make me happy will not sustain me. However, with the lack thereof, I feel I may die. My soul has a deep need to be fulfilled, and I don’t think that is possible for me. Everything seems set and really hopeless. For school, everything makes me on edge. It’s the people, it’s the work, so much work, it’s being there, it’s knowing that I’m there and not really going anywhere and not really living, yet it’s what I have so I do my best, THE best. I get straight A’s, and anything else literally kills me. I am deteriorating. Everything is deteriorating so much. I don’t see a future for me. Even the thought of tomorrow makes me want to throw up. The thought of living makes me want to die, the expectation of continuing on. I think about my own death at least once every day. Sometimes I think, if I was gone, it would really be the best option for me and everyone around me. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. It makes me crazy. Living makes me insane. I want to stop it with a sharp cut of something- a knife, and gunshot, anything. Anything would do.
CONSIDER THIS
- It is very understandable at this time in your life things are in constant change not only with your family but also with yourself. You are changing and this all can be scary even with things being as they are. You are meant to be here on this planet.
- If you have any desire to harm yourself please call ChildHelp USA 1-800-422-4453. There are people there to help you 24/7. Also, there are many resources at your school or at Teencentral.com to provide the support you need when you feel this very strong and big emotion to harm yourself. Although it’s not always easy, talking with your parents or another trusted source can help you find the resources you need to feel better.
- Having a desire to travel is wonderful! Use this passion to look into possible ways you can travel. There are many educational programs and possibly clubs that you can join that can help you travel around and see the world.
- Maybe you can take some time for yourself and do something that you like doing. Like go for walks and look at nature, do yoga to relieve the stress from your life, or some other form of exercise that can help relieve stress, hang out with friends and go see a movie, or read your favorite book, etc.
HELP YOURSELF
- Would happen if you reached out to ChildHelp USA or to a trusted adult or friend to get the support you need from harming yourself?
- What are some educational programs or clubs that you could join to help you move forward in your desire to travel?
- What are some things that you can do right now to help you get some self care that you like doing?
- How would you advise your closest friend if they came to you and shared the same feelings you’ve shared in your story?
