Doubting Myself

I have no idea where to start. I’m in a state of self-loathing. I hate where I am at in life and what I am doing. I am 19 and am currently studying a music course. I have devoted my life so far to the pursuit of a musical career and yet I feel like I’m failing. I feel like I am pursuing a dream that is being driven by false hope and fake promises. I don’t want to be much, I want to write lyrics (as I can’t write any instruments aside from drums and seem to be okay at lyrics), manage/promote, work in a studio, or do the legal side of music. I’m pretty open to all aspects. I feel like I am being quite diverse, so why do I feel like it’s hopeless to get into any of this? Why do I feel like I’m going to fail and end up in some dead-end job, slowly running myself into the ground both emotionally and physically? I just feel unwanted by all apart from my girlfriend who, at the moment, is the only reason I am not thinking that it would be better if I did not exist. I haven’t told her this as I feel like it would make her afraid to say things or do things that may cause me stress etc. Which I do not want. I want her to be completely open with me, so she doesn’t know that. She does, however, know that I do have negative thoughts about myself such as: my weight, the way I look, the way I dress (because I have no fashion sense. Jeans, shirt and a jacket is what I wear), my emotional imbalance, my lack of energy, my lack of talent/skill in any profession, my lack of intelligence, and the fact that I believe the only good thing in my future will be her. Even though that is a very positive thing, I want a good career so that I don’t feel bad about her having to bring in the majority of the income. I don’t care if she earns more. I just feel like I’ll be earning much much less than her; meaning she will pay for almost everything whilst I am barely getting by, and that makes me feel sick.
So far I’m incredibly doubtful about having a good career. I hate basically everything about myself. The only thing I kind of like is that I got into university, but even then I feel like it was just luck. I don’t even know what I’m expecting from this. I am just some 19-year-old guy, hating his life, hating most of his family, feeling like his friends aren’t really his friends most of the time, and feeling like his girlfriend could one day leave him because of his emotional imbalance, or because he will end up being in some crappy job for the rest of his life. I’m worried about everything and sometimes wish I didn’t have to wake up. The only thing that drives me to do something is her, my girlfriend, but she’s going through stress. She doesn’t like to talk about stuff that she’s having an issue with and that worries me because I can’t help. Then she gets kind of angry and slightly takes it out on me because I don’t leave her alone when all I want to do is help her with whatever she is going through and this is happening more and more frequently. I’m just worried about everything and don’t even know how to express or explain most of it because this is just the stuff I can understand within my own head. There is a lot of stuff up there that doesn’t make sense to me, that sometimes comes out randomly and makes others worry, and makes me worry. It confuses me, but that is what I can explain. I don’t fully know what to do about it. Thank you for reading. And thank you for helping those who come to this site. I have been coming here for a while now and it has helped me a lot over the years. So, thank you so much.

CONSIDER THIS

It sounds like you are going through a very challenging time in your life right now. It can be especially difficult to deal with worries about your job and income while experiencing many other doubts and emotions. You are not alone though and there are many people who care about you and want to help.
You might consider discussing your feelings with a trusted person. This could be someone such as your girlfriend or another friend or family member or it could be a religious leader, a school counselor, or anyone else who you feel comfortable confiding in. Sometimes it can help just to talk over your emotions with someone who is supportive of you. A person such as a school counselor might also be able to offer some advice and guidance on your career path.
You might also consider writing about your feelings in a journal. Writing in a journal is a great way to understand your own thoughts and feelings better. Physical activities, such as walking, jogging, swimming, or playing sports, can also help you to relax and boost your mood. Relaxing activities, such as listening to music, reading a book, solving a puzzle, or drawing or painting are great ways to reduce stress.
No matter what happens you should remember that you are a talented and unique person with numerous special skills and abilities to offer the world. You have a long and successful life ahead of you. You are always welcome to write to TeenCentral.com at any time.
Take care!

HELP YOURSELF