I used to cry. I cried at a beautiful sunset, I cried from a sad song, I cried at the end of a long book or movie. I can’t remember the last time I cried. Instead I go through the days thoughts racing, shaking restlessly, unable to concentrate. I’m often angry (at whom? Who knows?) and stressed out, it feels like these emotions will never go away. I know that even though I am happy sometimes, it will all come back, so what’s the point anyway?
It’s true that although my dad and I may live in the same house he’s not truly there. As if he’s merely a puppet who seems to share the same space how little we interact. I’ve tried, but I’ve been brushed one too many times in favor of a much more exciting computer game or Stephen King novel. If my mom is not home, I become the mom. I’m responsible for watching my little siblings, I’m responsible for cooking dinner, I’m responsible for anything that needs to be done. As if I’m not a high school student with her own work to do, things to take care of, friends to talk too.
My mom. Sigh. I’ve been yelled at, threatened, criticized, name-called. I walk on egg-shells, waiting for the next outburst not knowing what will cause it. I can’t confide in her, I can’t trust her, I can’t tell her things. So I pretend, I smile and help out when I’m around her. I pretend it doesn’t affect me when she humiliates my little sister or screams at my brother. Until I go to my room, guilty, anxious. It’s all my fault. Why didn’t I say something? What’s wrong with me? I should support them.
And then it all repeats, day after day. I’m exhausted.
HELP YOURSELF:
- Thank you for reaching out to Teen Central. We hope you find some space to breathe and support that helps you keep going. You are not alone!
- You describe so well what many people have also known – that overwhelming sense that it’s hard to focus, feeling angry or stressed, but not sure what that’s about. You’re describing overwhelming emotions that can really overtake your ability to cope. There is help for you, any time, 24/7! Put these numbers in your phone, or write them somewhere you can find them easily: 1-800-273-8255 (you can call that number and talk to someone anytime), or text HELLO to 741741 and someone will always answer. There are lots of other ways to find help listed on our HELP page.
- We know you’re having trouble connecting with your dad, and you don’t feel like you can confide in your mom. Who else can you trust and talk to in your life? Can you talk to another family member, a friend, a friend’s parents, a neighbor, a spiritual leader, guidance counselor or a teacher? Even if you can only connect virtually (we know how powerful that connection can be!), it’s important to have someone in your corner that can listen and help you weather your storms.
WHERE TO GO FROM HERE:
- You sound like a very responsible young person, and spend a lot of time caring for, and caring about other people – like your siblings. They are lucky to have you, and we’re sure they appreciate the attention you give them. One thing that we know from the work we do every day is that we have to make time to take care of ourselves in order to keep taking care of others. It’s ok to take time for talking to your friends, or enjoying a hobby, exercising, listening to music – whatever it is that makes you happy. One of the hardest lessons for people in caretaking (whether they choose to be or have to be) is that they may not have someone making sure they are ok. You have to do it for you. Check out our LEARN section for information about Wellness. Some of the relaxation activities may help quiet your mind, even just for a little while.
- Unfortunately, you can’t control another person’s behaviors – and the things you see and hear from your mom sound really upsetting. These choices are not your fault – they are her choices. You are still growing up, too. Being put in a parent role can make it really confusing to know how to handle problems that happen in your family. This is one reason it’s helpful to have someone that you can turn to for support and understanding. While you are figuring out who that person could be, you can also use Journaling or Art to help you Cope with Stress. Our WHAT’S NEW section has information about both that may be helpful.
- Has it always been this way with your parents, or is their behavior something that started because something changed? Lots of people have struggled in the past year to deal with the restrictions put on us because of the pandemic – and some of the ways people find to cope aren’t always healthy (for them or people around them). If this is a change, what would it feel like to try talking with them? Letting them know how stressed and hurt you feel? How worried you are about your siblings? If saying these things feels too scary, consider if you could have someone with you when you try to talk with them, or if you could write your thoughts and feelings and ask them to read it. The first step to solving a problem, even an overwhelming one, is to identify the problem. It sounds like you spend a lot of time staying silent for the sake of your family. Maybe it’s time to speak up for your own sake.
