Empty and Full
this is so stupid, but i feel empty, and full at the same time. I feel like this all the time, i hate myself, i hate the world, i want to die. And no one listens. I want to cry so bad it rips my hear out. and at night, i do.
Ive written alot, my last story was guilt eats me up i think.
Since moving to africa, my dad abuses my mum more, before it was mentally, but now its physically too. Im 13, and hearing him talk about women being submissive, and how my mum should be dead because of the things she’s done kills me.
She made a mistake, and he beat her, abused her, hit her. And he doesn’t believe hes done anything wrong. Because The bible says its okay.
For context, ive tried to end my life 4 times. I secretly self harm, and if im honest, i only barely regretted my attempts. i am 13.
A phew days ago, my dad woke my up and brought me to my parents balcony, where my mum was on the edge, about to jump. I couldn’t think, feel or breathe. it was torture to think about it. My dad called her dumb and selfish, and said she was trying to ruin our lives constantly.
then, as if nothing, my parents talked and later told me it was a STUNT to get his attention. I didn’t even know what to feel. I don’t even know if i believe them.
That evening, i decided to FINALY talk to my mum about my mental health. I was telling her how i could only feel happy for 10 minutes, then i was sad again. my dad overheard and shouted at me, saying i hate the sight of him, that im ungrateful and that i hate peace in the house.
after i explained that i was talking about MYSELF, he proceeded to tell me the same story about how a teenager thinks they know everything, and that they will soon realise they were wrong. NOTHING to do with what i was talking about.
my dad is the type of person that will make you think you’re a horrible person, he will call you a devil, say you’re initiated and say you’re trying to ruin the family. Hes a narcissist and has no room for self-improvement.
My mum tried to tell him that he doesn’t listen to me, and in the end she gave up , saying i should just leave her out of the problems i have with my dad. I don’t blame her, because he gats mad at her.
THE WORST THING IS. i ended up being a therapist between my mum and dad, because i was scared he would hit her if i wasn’t there. I actually begun to think things would be better after ii coached them on communication. (sounds dumb but its true). But then i found out my the reason my mum gave up on their relationship is because he BEAT HER UP, trying to get answers out of her. He justifies it saying he should actually kill her, because that what people around him (locals of the country) would do, and that a woman should be submissive.
i now know that the only reason he didn’t hurt her sooner, was because of the laws in the uk.
Sometimes i go to my mum crying, and she totaly ignores me, or says my depression is just a mindset and that theres nothing she can do. the other day i told her i wanted to kill myself, and she told me to do it. ( maybe she thought i was lying)
it makes me feel so worthless, because she knows about my mental health, but chooses to ignore it. i cry and cry for a long time next to her while she works, and she just tells me to go away. if it were my siblings, she wouldnt do that.
but i honestly dont blame her for thinking i make it up, because during the day she asks me how i feel, and i always say im okay. i never am okay.
Lately, i cant sleep, i cant breathe, i overeat some days, i barely eat other days. Im trying very hard not to relapse bc my old cuts just healed, but its so hard. ive even developed a way my parents wont find out si still cut myself.
No matter how many articles i read, or dumb quizzes i take , i KNOW there’s something wrong with me. i know my mum knows it too, but i don’t think she knows how to do anything, because her mum never cared for her in that way either. im so tired of living.
Things like this add to my mind: the BLM movement ( it hurts to think about it), homophobia ,racism ,sexism, rape ,assault, my sister and i being assaulted by my brother, car crashes, police ,viruses, being like my parents, my anger, siblings growing to hate me, hurting my dog
vaccines (please dont hate me, i have valid reasons), pain, social standards, family members dying, grandad dying, school, parents, being in an abusive relationship, killing myself, wanting to kill myself, my family finding me dead, my scars, my face, my hair, having no friends, weddings, plane crashed, my novel being unfinished, writers block, losing the ability to sing, reading a bad book, gaining weight, cutting my hair again, my parents finding out it sh still, parents knowing i attempted, the list can go on forever. (sorry for mistakes i am rushing.)
this is going to sound do dumb, but i cant watch a sad animation of A STUFFED TOY, without overanalysing and crying. I cant sleep because of simple things like that. Sometimes i silently scream and cry so my sisters don’t hear me.
During the day, I act very happy so my parents wont notice, and it hurts. Sometimes i feel my face to see if my smile is wide enough, or check to see if i looked too sad.
i get headache every day, all the time, i stay up late bc its the only time i am alone. i genuinely don’t know what to do with myself. i just want to run away, and get run over by a car.
what should i do? would it be okay for me to just sh again, without hiding it? MY parents (mostly dad) would hate me, punish me and maybe hurt me, but at this point, it doesn’t matter.
HELP YOURSELF:
- Thank you for reaching out to Teen Central again. We’re glad that you continue to look for ways to cope and find support as you go through these stressful events. We always encourage people to get their thoughts and feelings out so they don’t build up inside. You’re making a good choice!
- In Africa, there are people that want to support you and can listen. We’ve given you other hotlines before, but we want to strongly consider contacting them – it’s good to talk with people that can help you, and maybe help your family. Some resources that are in your area are SADAG (call 0800-567-567 or you can email them at South African Depression and Anxiety Group (sadag.org). They also have resources and exercises that you can do as well. Their call center however is open 24/7 so they would maybe be able to give some resources in the area of Africa that you are in.
- The other resource that we have found is IST Clinic located in the main city of Dar Es Salaam. I am not sure how close you are to this area, but they are another resource with a psychiatrist and psychologist on their team. You can call 0718 78339 or look at their website IST Clinic – Medical Clinic In Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania.
- Having moved recently to Africa, we’re giving you connections that are hopefully close enough that they can be a support. The most important thing for you to do is to KEEP TALKING. We here at Teen Central, along with lots of other people in the world, may not be able to solve your problems, but you will always have someone to listen to you, take you seriously and help you keep going!
CONSIDER THIS:
- It sounds like you have a lot going on within your mind. We often suggest the SLOW DOWN. This means taking the time to process what you are thinking about. Perseveration (which means thinking about things over and over again) can be really tough, because it’s usually connected with thinking about negative, sad or upsetting things that we can’t seem to stop thinking about. Take this SLOW DOWN moment to reflect on the good instead of the bad. Consider what it would feel like to challenge youself to come up with something positive (no matter how slightly positive it may seem) for every negative thing you listed above. Hopefully, this will help you see that, no matter how bad things seem, you can always find balance in the world.
- Within this idea there are other forms of the SLOW DOWN such as DEEP BREATHING activities. One of these tools is the “fist activity of deep breathing “. In this you are able to make a fist, take a deep breath, hold for 4 seconds, and release a finger. Does this 5 times, and end with a deep breath. Taking a moment to live IN the moment can help get through some of the urges to self harm.
- Lastly, find a safe space. Is there a way for you to get away from this for a short period of time? The most important thing is that you are safe. If something is going on between your parents it may be best to take that space (this can even be in the home if you do not feel as though you have a safe space to get outside).
- Take time to keep going over the articles and resources, not only on our site, but also on other sites such as SADAG. The information may feel more or less useful depending on so many things, like your mood, how stressful things are at the moment, how busy and distracted you are with other responsibilities, etc. You know that you are struggling and you know that you need help. DON’T GIVE UP!!
