Feeling helpless
Feeling like you exploded is never a good thing, though it happens to me a lot. I personally will bottle up my emotions till the last possible second. It’s the worst habit I have and there is nothing I can do about it. This is because I never feel validated enough to know that it is okay to feel like this. In todays society it feels wrong to not be okay. Especially growing up in a family like mine makes it harder.
I am the youngest of 3 and anyone that can relate knows that being the youngest means you have to do the hardest to impress. I try my hardest to be someone I am not and it really is draining. All I want to be is good enough but that is impossible when you aren’t being yourself. To make this even worse, it feels like my mom gave up after kid #2. Everyone in my family suffers from some sort of mental health problem.
My mom got completely drained out of emotion by my elder siblings. She was always trying to help them but they react in different ways so it confused her and overwhelmed her a lot. It feels like with me now that she doesn’t even want to try. Yes, she assigned me a therapist and got me the help I needed but she didn’t do much of her part as a mother. She hurts my feelings a lot and nothing is more hurtful than your own mother talking down on you. The one person that’s supposed to love you the most seems like they really hate you the most. This all ties into my mind capacitating insecurities.
I am an extremely insecure person. Most of the time I hate the way I look. I hate my hair, my nose, my eyes, and especially my body. It’s not a good feeling being insecure. It eats away at you and just progressively gets worse as the days go on. Personally, being insecure triggers my anxiety and causes attacks at moments.
Back to exploding… today. I had an anxiety attack lasting me 2 and a half hours. This event in my day caused me to realize something. I am helpless. I am empty and I don’t know what to feel. I immediately text my therapist who is the only person I will talk to about my emotions yet later this day I will tell her EVERYTHING at my session. She calms me with texting me back and I calm down. I then visit her at 8 pm. I deeply tell her how I feel. I tell her I have zero motivation. I feel lonely. I hate my life. I don’t want to do this anymore.
I get diagnosed with extreme anxiety and moderate depression.
Wow.
I never would have thought I can tell someone so much stuff about myself and hear that outcome. It always felt as if I heard those words come out of someone’s mouth, diagnosing me with a mental issue, would feel wrong. But it felt so reliving. Knowing someone finally knew what was wrong with me and now really knowing that there is certain help I can obtain.
Yes, I still feel depressed and confused but now I feel motivated to get better. Depression is temporary and I can get better.
Anything and I mean ANYTHING that anyone can recommend that I do that can help even a little bit because I want to feel happy and anyone reading this deserves to be too.
Remember, you CAN get through it… I promise.
I love you and I hope we can all get help together because we are strong.
- Thank you for writing in to TeenCentral and sharing not only your story but some really encouraging words to our readers.
- You are right you can get through this. Mental health affects us all in different ways, but it is something that we often move through together with the help of others. It can feel as though you are on an island, but in reality, you often have people on the island with you.
- Talking to an adult as you did your therapist is often the best way to work through and process different things. When we allow that processing to occur, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable we often allow ourselves to do the most important thing which is heal
CONSIDER THIS
- Anxiety and depression can both be a very scary thing for anyone to go through. Not sure if you have had a chance to look at our resources but I have linked them here so you can take a look. There are some great ways to work through both of those things.
- Finding something that makes you happy can come in a variety of ways. I once found that making cupcakes and cooking made me happy, so when I was getting overwhelmed, this is something that I used as a coping skill. It doesn’t always have to be a formula that is found on the internet. It can be something that you try and decide if this is something you like. This could be cooking, walks, journaling, building something, talking to a friend, going for a run. Using the time for trial and error is important. If a task doesn’t work, you can move to the next one
- KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!
