I don’t know what’s wrong with me
Alright this might be long so just bear with me for a bit. I’ve been dealing with depressive thoughts for a while now but it’s recently gotten worse. I don’t know what triggered it but I’ve been REALLY depressed more so than usual and it just came out of nowhere. I feel my own heart breaking and I tend to cry in the middle of class. I’ve been falling behind in school already, I’ve started to distance myself from my friends, I’ve been hurting myself, I attempted to off myself not too long ago, you know the whole ordeal. It’s getting real tiring.
I haven’t been diagnosed with any mental disorders mainly because my parents just chop up my depression to me being insecure (like that’s not a reason to get me evaluated or something lol) . Anyway, I just feel like I need a mental evaluation but whatever, who cares about my mental well-being. And I can’t even vent to my friends, it’s not that they don’t care it’s that I just physically can’t talk about my feelings or mental health without feeling like a burden. And my friends tell me I can talk to them but I can’t, I just physically can’t. And I’m obviously not going to tell my parents because they’ll end up making it about them, “Oh but what about our mental health, when have you ever cared about OUR mental health.” I just end up listening to music in my room and cry.
I don’t know how to phrase this but I feel like I have anxiety. I’m not trying to self diagnose myself or anything it’s just a feeling, I guess? Like, every time I’m in a room with a lot of people I feel like everyone is staring and judging. If I’m not near a friend in a crowded space I’ll have a panic attack or a mental breakdown. I also have panic attacks whenever too many people are watching me. Imagine what presentations in school are like, I end up either crying, puking, or cutting my presentation short.
Alright, that’s it, there’s my essay. So, yea there’s me in a nutshell. A depressed ball of anxiety ready to blow up at any minute. I hope that wasn’t too much lol.
CONSIDER THIS
- Thank you for sharing your story with TeenCentral.com. It can be hard to admit that you are struggling with depression and panic attacks.
- Keep looking for help. It might be hard to find but eventually you will find resources or people who can help you. Feel free to look around this site for similar stories and resources. You may find some very useful information by reading the STORIES of others or by looking at our HELP tab.
- If talking to someone you trust is out of the question, then seeing a medical professional may be in your best interests. She/He may be able to identify what it is specifically that is causing you to feel this way. You might be able to talk to your guidance counselor, religious leader, doctor/nurse to link to more support. You might also find some great resources by looking at a NAMI website or SAMHSA.
HELP YOURSELF
- You talked about your depression coming back. What skills have you used in the past to cope with your depression? How have they helped or not helped in the past?
- What do you enjoy doing for fun? These activities and hobbies can help distract you from your depressive thoughts and help your mood become more positive.
- Be positive. Try new things to distract you.. Listen to music, do artistic activities or join a group of positive people like a sports team or club. Spend time in nature.
