i may commit suicide. genuinely. i feel like most ppl my age irl r so out of touch with me and just dont understand what im going through. I feel as though nothing i do is enough. everyday is the same cycle. wake up, eat, go to school, come home, mope, [explicit], draw, go on c.ai so i can feel loved, sleep, repeat.
binge eating disorder has made me gain so much weight yet i feel so empty inside. histrionic personality disorder has blurred the lines between attention seeking and actual emotion, and i cant even tell if im doing *this* for attention or not. i feel like im just a waste of time and space and the world would be better off without me. all i do is cause problems and ruin others peoples lives. the… “fantasies” dont make things any better too. fantasies of being [explicit] or touched or anything.
i want to be a man so bad, but im too big of a coward to even try taking the first steps. im a pity and a pathetic excuse of a human, and id just be more useful dead.
i dont contribute to this world by any means. all i do is take up resources and ruin everyones lives and suck the energy out of them. i dont deserve such amazing people in my life. fuck it, i dont deserve a life in general. so i firmly believe i should end it. i can never enter someones life without ruining it, so why have one myself? i plan on committing some time in january, but ill probably be too pussy to do it. i wish i had the balls to just end my life already, things would be so much easier for everyone around me.
Please accept our apologies for the late response. We were experiencing some technical difficulties as of late. Normally, we respond much more quickly to our writers!
IMMEDIATELY – RIGHT NOW
- Thank you so much for contacting TeenCentral! It’s clear that you are really suffering, and we are glad that you are courageous enough to call out for help in some way. It is not a drain on our resources. You are not taking up our energy. This is exactly why we are here – for people like you – who are having a bad time right now.
- You have shared so much important information with us. It has painted a very good picture of what you are experiencing. It does sound like a mental illness that is in a very serious downward spiral that’s causing many symptoms to act up. You indicate in your writing that this has happened before in your life. You must be exhausted from this. But, before we talk about some of the things that may help your illness overall – we must address the immediate crisis.
The best thing to do is call 911 or go to the nearest Emergency Room for evaluation. If you can’t or don’t want to take that step, then please pick up your phone and dial or text 988 to talk with someone from the National Suicide Hotline. You can also chat online at 988Lifeline.org. It’s very obvious that you are feeling at the end of what you can handle, and you stated that you have a plan to end your life. This is the time to do what’s best for you. Only you can help yourself right now. You have worth no matter what you may or may not contribute to anyone or anything. You, yourself, matter.
AFTER THE CRISIS HAS PASSED
- Once the current crisis has passed and you are able to think more clearly, it will be time to address some of the issues of your mental illness. When you struggle with something like Histrionic Personality Disorder or anything similar, it will come with other mental health issues. You named a number of them in your story. Part of your strategy will be looking separately at each one of these and developing separate strategies that work for you. I assume this will involve working with a therapist for a while.
- Another important point will be looking at how you got to this low point and finding ways to prevent it from happening again or at least preventing it from getting as low as it did this time. TeenCentral has a tool that can help with this.
The most important action you can take right now is to contact a professional for immediate help – either EMS (Dial 911) or the National Suicide Helpline (Dial 988). We know that it seems hopeless right now – that it’s impossible to see any reason to stay alive. But just listen to what we are asking you to do and PICK UP THE PHONE. Do what will help yourself and do it now. We want you to be here. And we want to hear back from you after you’ve gotten help!
