We were on the way to a dentist appointment I had. I told my mom there’s no cure for people like me. She looked at me and said, “What are you talking about?” That’s when I told her I had urges, certain problematic situations, that I thought I may be a deviant, a predator. Age 11 is when I first had my sexual encounter. A boy told me if I truly loved him, I would sext him. If I didn’t, he’d leave me. He was my first abuser, my first who tormented me for many years, and then out of the blue, he disappeared entirely. He was older, maybe 14-16. I was 11. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t in an abusive relationship. I’m older now and, it still happens. I tried to tell my mom that I never got any help for what had happened to me and I genuinely believe that has deeply destroyed me. I’m a horrible person, I’ve had terrible experiences in life and my mother has two pieces of advice for me: “Get over it & That’s not who you are.”
My dad passed away recently.
I should’ve died instead of him.
HELP YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY
- Thank you for reaching out for help. It must be hard to look back on your childhood with so much pain and regret.
- It’s never too late to get help. If you feel like you never received the help you needed when you were younger, you can and should find help now.
- Find a therapist who can help you with these feelings you’ve been having?
- Many jobs have employee assistance programs that will help you find someone to talk to.
- If you are having deviant feelings right now, BEFORE you commit any act of harm on another human being TeenCentral encourages you to call 1-800-656-4673 or chat online with online.rainn.org, which is an organization that is set up to help prevent sexual assaults. If you visit their website HERE you will find many resources about the issues you are experiencing.
- If you are feeling unsafe because of all of this, please consider calling 988 for the suicide hotline, or 911 (or any other corresponding number depending on your location) and asking for their assistance.
THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS
- You said, “My dad passed away recently. I should’ve died instead of him.” TeenCentral wants to challenge that belief. We want you to think a little bit more about how your life could change and how your life could really be worthwhile and positive. There is still an opportunity for you to grow and make changes that would make your mom, dad and – most importantly YOU – proud of who you are.
- Have you ever tried journaling? Journaling is a highly recommended way of expressing your thoughts and feelings without the added pressure of talking to another person right away. You could use this as a way to look at your thought process and see if there are any times, situations, etc. when you may be feeling this way more than others, so you know what triggers you may need to avoid. A therapist can help you organize those thoughts and devise a healthy way to cope in those situations.
- Here is a possible journal prompt: Since I survived and I’m still alive, what would my Father want me to do with my life? What do I want to do with my life? Does any of that match? Why or why not?
- Do you have any interests that you participate in currently? Overwhelming feelings can cause many people to feel unproductive or cause them to avoid situations that they may have normally participated in before. It may be difficult, but maybe you should consider finding one thing that you’ve been interested in – be it arts, sports or attending events that you have enjoyed – and try that one thing again. You might connect with others, and it might help you get out of your own headspace for a while. This may be a break you need.
- Remember that you’re worth it– no matter if you’re still a teenage or a young adult who still feels lost. The first step was letting someone know your thoughts. The next is to do something about it. TeenCentral is here any time you need us, and we believe you are meant to be here for a reason!
