Hi TeenCentral, I’m 17, moving out of my house and into my boyfriends hopefully in a month, if not then in like three. my parents are divorced and recently my dad’s house has been awful. All I do is rot in bed all day and I don’t have the energy to do anything I used to love anymore, no energy to read, no energy to craft, I barely have the energy to talk to anyone but my boyfriend. The last time I was at my dads, I had been home for two hours and got told off about the messy depressive state of my room and my step mother (we’ll call her S) said “I don’t know what I need to do to make it click in your head, but no body gives a f***ing sh** how depressed, or anxious, or upset, or autistic you are. those are not reasons that you shouldn’t be taking care of yourself or not cleaning your room” (along with a lot of other things) which I would kind of understand if I was trying to make excuses but I don’t. I show so many signs of being horribly mentally ill and I basically was told that they don’t care if I feel like I want to off myself and that it doesn’t matter. my boyfriend is the only one who makes me feel like someone would care if I did (I don’t want to and am not going to but I have horrible vivid thoughts that terrify me and I just lay in bed sobbing violently sometimes because of them)
I have self harmed before and my parents (meaning dad and S) know that too but they haven’t done anything about it, they didn’t even take my knife or anything. Whenever they find out I did it they just say not to and that’s it. once I did it before I went over my boyfriends house and he made his bed for me and had me lay down while he cleaned them, he’s amazing and makes me feel like someone actually cares.
I don’t want to self diagnose because I feel like I’m trying to play the victim even though I know how awful I feel I just cant help feeling like I’m lying. I have asked for therapy but my parents just didn’t do anything about it, they say they would but nothing has come of it. I think I have depression, maybe bipolar, and I also think I have some form of either ADHD or autism. I constantly feel like there’s something wrong with me and I just hate that I cant get any help. Also, being that I’ll be an adult soon, I’m freaking out because my parents have taught me nothing about adulthood and haven’t helped me do anything like teach me to drive or get a job or anything like that. They think it’s intuitive but it isn’t and even some things that might be intuitive for others aren’t for me. I don’t feel like they care and I’ve tried talking to them I literally broke down sobbing in front of my dad and he just kept telling me off.
They don’t let me go anywhere or do anything and I am constantly taunted when I ask questions like I’m stupid. I only see my boyfriend like once a month and its when I’m at my moms. I don’t see my other friends and I cant even go for a walk without getting a look like I’m pushing a limit. All I do is rot and feel useless and I don’t know what to do anymore.
Ways To Help Yourself:
Hi reader, thank you for writing in and sharing your story with the TeenCentral community. It takes guts to share your story, so thank you for trusting us. We’d like to apologize for when you previously wrote in and your story wasn’t responded. That was never our intention. We were having some technical difficulties a while back and some stories did not reach us – but we are so glad that you tried again!
- It sounds like you’re going through a very difficult time right now. Be proud of yourself for reaching out for help.
- You mentioned you barely have the energy to do anything you once used to love doing such as reading or crafting. That you just talk to your boyfriend and no one else really. That sounds like it can be a lot. If you click on the “Learn” tab, there’s an entire section on “Depression” that may be helpful. Check it out.
- You stated talking to your boyfriend does help but that you only see him about once a month. You also mentioned that you get horrible vivid thoughts that terrify you and keep you sobbing in bed.
If you ever get the urge to act on these thoughts again, PLEASE PICK UP YOUR PHONE! The National Suicide Hotline is available 24/7 by dialing or texting 988. You can also chat 988lifeline.org.
- If you’re ever feeling down and really need to talk to someone and your boyfriend isn’t an option you can also text the Crisis Text Line by texting “HOME” to “741741,” they too are available 24/7. Help is just a text away.
- It seems like no one at home is listening. Are there other adults in your life you can talk to? Think about it. Have you talked to your mom about how you’ve been feeling? How about in school. Is there someone there you can talk to? Maybe a trusted teacher, guidance counselor, or principal?
- We are sorry to hear that your parents have not followed through with connecting you to a therapist. There could be many reasons for this. Unfortunately, we don’t really know why. Sometimes schools have therapy programs in them and telling a teacher or someone in the administrative office can help you find those programs if available. Think about it.
When You Are Ready:
Since you mentioned the lack of motivation in doing the things you used to love we suggest starting slow. Start with finding some help and talking to someone whether that’s a trusted adult, the Crisis Text Line, or The National Suicide Hotline. You can also check out our “Tools” tab, we offer many suggestions that may help, check it out.
- Another option is journaling. Journaling can be done anytime and anywhere. It doesn’t need to have a specific format and you don’t have to worry about spelling or if it makes sense or not. It’s a great way to express your emotions and let out your thoughts and feelings. Letting out our thoughts and feelings can be very beneficial. We want to avoid bottling up or squashing down emotions inside. Why? This can be very unhealthy to our minds and bodies. It can make depression worse or even cause physical illness. It also could come out at the wrong time onto the wrong person.
Hope this helps, best wishes, check out some Self Positive Talk statements to get through some rough days.
