I WANT TO ONLY FOCUS ON MYSELF

Hi Teen Central! It’s me again! 😀
I hope you are happy to see me because I am definitely happy to see you! 😀
So, recently I have been going through something that I have never felt before. its like this feeling that I want to rip open my flesh. I get this intense feeling in my arms, and it’s so bodily uncomfortable that I want to rip off my skin. The thing is, wherever it does happen, it is usually one of two things: When I am extremely overwhelmed with emotions, and two, the cause: IT IS WHEN I START TO INTERNALIZE OTHER PEOPLE!
It is like this: So, school is starting for me again since I’ve been on Spring Break at the moment, and “it”- this feeling of internalizing other people’s hurtful speeches, came back to me, and I HATE IT! I HATE IT SO MUCH!!!
Its like I am so uncomfortable: It is like, it happens when I start to subconsciously recall the activities, behaviours, and emotions that I use when I am around people who are supposedly threats to me; it is through days and days of internalizing my emotions, I think that a NEW emotion has been created, one that actively repels this, and it’s it with its will, in order for me to have this emotion and this is why I am feeling so uncomfortable it is because when I am around people I internalize my emotions therefore outwardly protecting their emotions into the world and subsequently onto me and therefore since I am attempting to reject these emotions I have an instinct to block this blocking of emotions, and that is why it feels uncomfortable because I am trying to block out this incredible emotions that I have because of the energy that these judgemental teens give off!!! I AM IT!!
Please tell me what this is!!!! WHAT AM I EXPERIENCING? It is like these teens that I am with – I am in high school- I have been around such a toxic and negative community for so long that their terrible energy is starting to cling to me and it is starting to penetrate into my soul and I HATE IT SO MUCH PLEASE HELP ME!!!! I hate it how I lower my voice when I am around my peers, I hate how I change the way I act around my peers, I hate the way that I feel the need to internalize my feelings in order to not get bullied!!! Its also VERY CONCERNING because it is like this: I will LITERALLY feel my brain becoming less active than when I am alone by myself; i.e., when I am solving a problem and it is around these tens, their mental energy is just so terrible and most of my peers do not care about their lives and grades, or education anyways, and this terrible pugnant energy clings to me and it causes me to think slower in order to be like them since I have gotten made fun of for “trying to hard” and “being a teacher’s pet” so much so that last semester I got terrible grades. HOW WILL I EVER GET INTO YALE OR HARVARD NOW!!! It’s like I can’t live this life of my dreams now!! I WANT TO LOVE THE LIFE OF MY DREAMS!!!!! At least, I want to blame my terrible grades on my peers. The scariest thing is that if I continue to try to be like my pers this feeling will keep coming, and I will never achieve the life of my dreams because I am never being myself I am only being the terrible thing that my peers are :NOTHING!!! I will honestly when I am around them feel so uncomfortable, its like I want to rip my body open- its like as soon as I step into the school I am somehow dumber than when I walked in I hate this feeling so much, of wanting to conform to people who are below my intelligently, academically, and socially only for the sole reason that I feel like an outcast, I feel like such a disgusting, repugnant, foul, revolting, unlovable human being. Sometimes, when I get made fun of or something bad happens, I think, “Screw it. I’ll just do what makes me uncomfortable because I will sink into this suffering hole because I have already lost so much, who cares if I hurt more like this now?” and I do the things I don’t like to do, like repressing myself, avoiding responsibilities, and overeating. I even think, when I am doing what I like, like writing, that I will restrict myself, its like I already see it coming, and I can never be truly free when I have the prospect of going to school; its like I feel the need to carry around these judgements of other since I have been in suck a disgusting, toxic, and outlandish environment for SO LONG!!!
I WANT TO BE FREE!!!! What scares me the most is I will never live to my potential because I am alreys restricting myself in my writing of poetry, and even in my swimming team I restrict myself; its usually one person that I think of when I am restricting myself, its different for different things. I HATE IT SO MUCH!!! I CAN SWIM FASTER AND BE AN AMAZING ATHLETE YET HOW CAN I DO THIS IF I AM ALWAYS ATTEMPTING TO ADHERE TO A STUPID MADE UP STATUS QUO THAT IS ONLY MEANT TO REPRESS PEOPLE!!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!
I DON’T LIKE THIS!!!
PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
I NEED HELP!!

HELP YOURSELF:

First thing I want to say is thank you, for having the courage to reach out to TeenCentral for guidance. Often times, reaching out for help is very difficult for many reasons. Be proud of yourself for making that big step.
What you are describing is a very difficult situation and pretty serious. I see that you mentioned that you have had help in the past and are seeking help now. That is an important step to finding better ways to deal with all kinds of things.
If you or someone you know are feeling as though you are in crisis or if you are feeling as though you want to hurt yourself, please contact the resources listed below. You can contact the crisis number by texting “Hello” to 741741. The nice thing is that you can text them and someone is there to talk 24/7.

Crisis Textline
Available 24/7
Support to all individuals in crisis
Text “HELLO” to 741741
www.crisistextline.org

National Suicide Hotline
Available 24/7
Helps individuals in suicidal crisis with support.

Counselors are also available 24/7 by calling 988 from your phone or by visiting their website at www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.There are also many hotlines available to you on the TeenCentral HELP tab. Read over them because one of them may apply to your situation perfectly – and they respond immediately to you.

HERE ARE SOME SAFE PLACES TO TURN FOR HELP:

This issue you are describing seems to be overwhelming at times for you, but don’t give up. Have you thought about talking to and adult you trust? Think of an adult that you can trust like your school counselor, teacher, someone from a church parent and/or your friend’s parents. Having a line of communication is key in getting on track and having supports.
Another resource that you can check out is actually located on the back of your insurance card. Talk to a parent to assist you, but there is a number for mental health. If you contact this number, they can direct you to someone to talk to near you that takes your insurance. It can sometimes be scary to talk to someone new, but it can also be so beneficial as well.

CONDISER THIS:

Here on TeenCentral website you can find resources that might help you.
Under the Learn Tab click on self-injury. This will give you a better understanding of what self-harm is, why and what to do. More importantly with what you are reporting in your story some information on anxiety might benefit you and what you are feeling.
If you are looking for maybe some additional coping skills. We always suggest checking out our TOOLS TAB. You clearly like to write what you are feeling, but some of these can add a little more structure to goals, and can help in processing some other sides of things.
- Support Plan – https://teencentral.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/My-Support-Plan.pdf
- Social Skill – https://teencentral.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/016_0028K_TCSocialSkills.pdf
- Weekly Mood Tracker- https://teencentral.com/wpcontent/uploads/2017/06/016_0028B_TCWeeklyMoodTracker.pdf (All of these might give you some idea of why and what to do when feeling the way you describe.)