Every day I live with my anxiety and it sucks. I don’t get to feel normal like other people and make new friends. Instead, all I can do is hide behind the one friend I do have and watch them talk to others. Life was already bad enough when I could not make friends easily and struggled with basic tasks. When my intrusive thoughts started happening, life became significantly worse. I feel like a bad person and I always wish I could somehow harm myself to make it stop. I’ve been showing signs of POCD and I don’t know what to do. I want to get help but it’s one of those things where I just know people will take it the wrong way and find ways to make me feel guilty for something out of my control. Other people like me say it’s okay to get help and that there is a way to make it stop, but I still feel scared. I don’t like feeling like a bad person and wanting to mutilate my own body most days. I don’t like that I don’t know what a therapist would think if I told them about what I’m dealing with.
At least I know why I have these intrusive thoughts; emotional incest, my own experience with a groomer, and the media and just thinking about how horrible some people are. Even when I know this and know I don’t want these thoughts, I can’t help but feel like I’m a horrible person and deserve to die.
WAYS TO HELP YOURSELF
- First TeenCentral would like to thank you for your courage in reaching out for help. Reaching out for help can be one of the hardest things for someone to do when they are struggling with something as difficult as this. It is always okay to get help and there are definitely ways to make the obsessions and compulsions stop with support through therapy.
- You mentioned that you are “a horrible person” many times in your post and talked about hurting yourself and that you deserve to die. The stress involved with the thoughts and feelings you are having could certainly drive a person to wanting to hurt themselves. When you get to those points of feeling unsafe, or you feel so sad that you have no one you can turn to please reach out to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline. They are available 24 hours a day, you can contact them via phone call, website, or text. There is always someone just a text away.
- Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255
- Website: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
- Text: Text “Hello” to 741-741
- Have you attempted to talk to someone in person about your experiences and emotions? Do you have a trusted teacher. guidance counselor, coach, or a family member you could talk to? Think about talking to a therapist, it seems like you are open to the idea of talking to a therapist but just afraid of their response. Take that leap of faith and talk to someone! TeenCentral will always be here for you but there is just something different about a face to face conversation with someone you trust.
WHEN YOU ARE READY
- A resource that is available for you is the RAINN organization (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network). There is a lot of information that could be beneficial to you along with an online chat that you could talk to someone. There’s also a hotline number that you could call to talk to someone. Click here for access to the website.
- Another resource that is available is right on TeenCentral under the Learn tab. Click here to access the anxiety tab to learn more about different types of anxiety, signs and symptoms of anxiety, triggers, and different types of coping skills that could help you when you’re feeling anxious.
