I keep finding myself on this app. I wrote ALOT of stories on this website. I started writing when I was 10 or 12 and now I’m 13. Every few months I come back here. Right when I’m in a crisis.
I’m always researching ways to kill myself without pain, or ways to get myself help. I even saved up money to run away with my friend. But I ruined everything today because I told them about how I’m jealous of someone they’re in love with, because I didn’t want to lie to them. I literally only just met them and I’m an idiot. I’m the type of person who says things without thinking, and then I can’t do anything about it. I’m so close to killing myself. I know how I’m just, scared. If I do kill myself will it hurt? What will happen? I need help but I’m in a country that doesn’t believe in it. Idk what to do honestly. This sounds so weird because I haven’t given you the backstory, but if I do it’ll be annoying. You don’t have to read it but I’ll paste it here. I have it in my notes…
(You don’t have to read it but skimming though it may give you a backstory idk)
Hey I’m (name removed for confidentiality) and I deleted a previous one I made of this… So yeah
(This is gonna sound like a story because idk how to write it otherwise I guess)
When I were 10 or 11 my life was great. The only bad thing was the whole incident with “A” but we don’t get into that.
When I was 10 or 11 I lived in the UK in a slightly abusive household with homophobic parents. I was the best in class at almost everything, but when it came to secondary I was home schooled. I had no friends and was so lonely. My only friend was my cousin. My mum (who was supposed to teach me) basically neglected me and I forgot almost all the basics. This did ALOT of damage to my mental health. And then my grandfather got sick, very sick. Seeing him like that made me worry so much. And he had to stay in the hospital. Then corona virus… And I never got to say goodbye to him. I felt really guilty about never seeing him before he died. I put it off because seeing him sick made me upset. And I’ve regretted it since. After that I spoke to my parents about my mental health. And they basically put it off and said I have ‘anxiety, that’s all.’
One day when I was on my phone, my parents asked to use it and I gave it to them. Then they saw I has a lock-screen of Adora and Catra (2 lesbians from a TV show) kissing. My dad got so mad and said if I were gay he wouldn’t accept me into the family. I began self-harming mid lock down, and my mum didn’t help ONE BIT! She decided I was doing it for attention and called my dad. He said I was ‘turning into one of those people.’
I used to be good at SO MANY THINGS! I could sing the highest note and I even taught my sister gymnastics. Now I can’t sing anything since I got a deeper voice and I got a knee problem and I can’t risk doing gymnastics. I feel worthless! And the one thing I love, acting, my parents won’t let me do.
(idk why, but this sounds like I’m writing a story)
That’s when my parents downloaded family link to control my phone and I had to stop using this website. Now I’ve moved to Africa with my parents (which they had planned for a long time) and I’ve never felt so alone. I’m not in school here, and my parents don’t teach me. I have no friends, and my parents argue so much.
They argue to the point there I had to run outside the house late at night. My dad was about to beat up my mom. I was so scared and I want to die just thinking about it. What if he tries to beat me up when I tell him about everything? Since then my mom and dad went back to being a normal couple, which DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!
Back in London my parents put me in acting classes since it’s my dream job. Now they’ve decided that it’s too ‘dangerous’ to be an actor and I have to work in the family business. I’m absolutely miserable. As I said, my cousin is my only friend. We used to talk too much, but my parents cut me off from talking to people since we arrived in Africa. I’ve never felt so alone.
At this point I don’t even care anymore. Its 3:42 am and I was crying for the past hour. Doesn’t matter to me because I don’t really want to live anymore. There isn’t any point since I’m alone anyways. That’s how I feel. I tried not to, but I cut my arm again. My parents told me they would rather send me back to London to live with my grandma because I’m being ungrateful. Yet they say they love me…
I know this probably doesn’t sound believable. Maybe that’s because I’ve left out a lot. I feel like my problems are so HUGE. But when I talk about them or write them down it seems like nothing. I don’t even know what this is. If I’m just sad, or if I have depression. I feel like I’m faking it and I don’t want to do that because some people have real problems.
My parents are Christian and so is my step brother. He was always singing Christian songs and playing them on his guitar. My dad is overly Christian too. He seems like one of the kindest people you’d ever meet. One day he forced me to kiss him on the lips repeatedly. I told my parents and they basically told him off and didn’t do anything else.
I’m in Africa where I am now. My younger sister told me that he did the same thing to her. I was disgusted at him.
Then my dad tried to kill my mom after an argument… That’s why I’m not Christian anymore. Christians are HYPOCRITES! They preach about love and do things like that.
Whenever I’m surrounded by men my legs start to shake and I feel like I’m about to vomit. I get so scared. I know I’m scared, but it only happens when I’m around men and not when I’m scared in other times.
April 27 Tuesday
LMAO I can’t anymore. Why doesn’t someone just come and kill me? Honestly that’d be better than anything right now. Just when things start to get better. Something happens and this is the worst it’s ever been.
Yesterday was mums birthday. And in the morning dad god mad at mum and said they should break up. Of course I was happy but they seemed normal during the day. Then later on in the night I woke up to a loud sound. I thought it was someone moving the box and sneaking again so I want to check it out. It was mum and she was getting ice for her arm. Turns out dad hit her arm with a chair and she couldn’t even move it.
He was saying stuff like this:
You are nothing without me
I made you
All you did was sleep around without me
You’re evil
You’re a liar
Dad took my phone and all the locks on the doors. He keep demanding for mum to give him the kids’ passports and said that we aren’t even mums. I hate him so much words can’t describe it.
“J” woke up and was crying. So I want to comfort her and then dad walked in. Then he shouted at us and said that we shouldn’t be crying, because he didn’t do anything to us. I literally started laughing in his face, he’s a psychopath. Dad even said it’s my fault because I lied when I went to a jewelry show with mum. THAT WAS MONTHS AGO
Today I was supposed to go to school. But we had to pack our things and leave. Now I’m never gonna go to school, and I’ll never see my house again. The problem is I don’t even want to live with mum. She’s not as bad, but she’s still a horrible parent.
Thursday 6th May
Yay my birthday’s soon. I’m not even happy about it. I’m not getting the present I was PROMISED and I’m not getting this family app off. To make it worse, I’m not at school and dad lives with us now? Absolute rubbish
Tuesday 18th May
Mum and dad were arguing and dad accused mum of sleeping with “E”. The sad thing is that I defended her and she lied to me. Dad even talked about killing himself he’s so hurt. I have no one to rely one and they keep lying to me. Mum lied to my face and I feel sick and the whole business is ruined. Just because she’s selfish and I feel like a fool.
Wednesday
DAD’S BACK WITH MUM. Nothing ever changes. I think I’m gonna kill myself
Idk what I’m supposed to do. Or why I’m really sending this story but any advice would be helpful. I honestly don’t want to kill myself but I see myself doing it in the next few days.
HELP YOURSELF
- TAKE A DEEP BREATH. You have A LOT going on and it sounds like you have for a while. YOUR SAFETY IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO US. If you ever feel unsafe, please immediately Text “HELLO” to 741741 for a Crisis Text line. Depending on where you are in Africa you can also use this site which gives you international suicide prevention hotline numbers – http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html . Both of these are available 24-7.
- Feeling overwhelmed, hopeless and hurt inside your own home and life can be really painful and so hard to handle. It may feel like it, but YOU ARE NOT ALONE. The TeenCentral Community is still here to support you and we appreciate that you trust us enough to keep coming back.
- Please keep using the resources on our site to help you through these tough times. Aside from all of the information under the LEARN and TOOLS tabs, sometimes just reading the stories of others who are also struggling can remind us we aren’t alone and we can overcome our challenges.
- We love that you keep coming to TeenCentral for Support. The more sources of support you have the better it is for getting through the hard stuff. You mentioned you don’t go to school and feel like you don’t have friends which can be really hard, so we may have to get creative in finding some other sources of support. Are there any trusted adults in the area you live in that you may feel comfortable talking to – maybe a religious/spiritual leader or friend of the family? Is it possible or comfortable for you to try talking to your grandma?
WHERE TO GO FROM HERE
- DON’T GIVE UP! When so much is going on it can feel like it’s never going to get better. Especially when we feel like our mistakes ruin things. That’s a normal feeling but you can overcome it. Finding healthy coping skills is a huge part of working through the hard times and writing is a great one. Keep writing! Write stories, your feelings, thoughts, your dreams, your goals – anything that helps organize, process, and release the things you experience. It doesn’t always have to make sense and it doesn’t always have to be read by someone else either.
- Holding onto the positive things that make you happy is also really important. You don’t have to feel like you are good at singing to enjoy it. If it makes you smile – keep singing! Teaching your sister gymnastics is pretty awesome too! It’s also a great way to stay connected and feel like you are helping make a difference. Great job finding a creative way to keep gymnastics in your life.
- It’s cool that you like acting too! You can even use that to help you. If you find yourself in a situation where you say or do something wrong, you can replay it afterwards alone and act out what you could have said or done differently. This can help you by doing something you enjoy while also helping you problem solve in better ways.
