In pain
Hi I wrote the story named I hate myself. I can’t bring myself to write again and as I enjoy reading and writing I have written a poem (I think)
I used to be happy, joyful,I took life for granted. Then everything changed. My friends went to new schools and i stayed behind. Like I was the last person to leave the nest of a very protective mother. I became homeschooled. Alone. Dark my heart went, longing for a friend . Then ashes. My heart went to ashes, as everyone was locked inside and I remained alone . (Quarentine) One by one I became closed off. My grandfather died. He was the one person I truly thought loved me outside the people who lives with me . With my heart gone, i could do nothing but cry . As the sun rose. As the sun set,I cried. 2020 is the end of the world. Maybe not for you, but for me it feels like it .
Normally writing about myself makes me cry. Now I have no emotions I’ve cried too much. Like theres no tears left in my eyes . I literally feel a pain on my chest. I dont know if it’s a coincidence or not . Today was the worst trigger. My day was normal . I sat on the bed on my phone and my dad came in. He said to me ,since you got that phone all you do is go on it. Your antisocial. But that’s not the reason I am . I can’t bring myself to be with others. Also I am alone . The only friend I have is my cousin who had her own set of friends. My sisters are too young to understand anyways. I tried to talk to my mom about it . Saying that I hate myself and I want her to help me . She didn’t Care,saying that I was correct that I disappoint her and that I should kill myself. Go on then she would say. (Please dont take that the wrong way) she is he type of person that doesn’t believe in depression and thinks I’m making it up. She knows I wouldn’t kill myself . Although I feel that way sometimes. I know why I cry at night . Its because I dont know why I do . And that confuses me so I cry about it.
The amount of times I’ve written to you ill ALOT . You dont even know about how some of your stories are mine. I’m sorry for that .
HELP YOURSELF
- We are always glad to hear from you at TeenCentral! You’re working through a lot of really hard feelings in a really strange time of our history – quarantine. Good for you for continuing to find ways to express yourself, this time through poetry!
- You are working through some really important issues in your story. We know you are familiar with TeenCentral, and hope some of the resources are helpful to you.
- Many people are struggling with feeling depressed, lost and lonely during this time. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Good for you for reaching out and talking to your family – even though you didn’t get the response you were hoping for, don’t let that stop you! KEEP SPEAKING UP FOR YOURSELF!
- It is REALLY important that you have access to someone 24/7 that you can talk to – if it’s not a friend or family member, remember you have ways to reach people. IF YOU EVER GET TO A POINT THAT YOU FEEL HOPELESS AND BELIEVE YOU MAY HURT YOURSELF – PLEASE TELL SOMEONE OR CALL 1-800-273-8255 or text HELLO to 741741.
CONSIDER THIS
- Have you tried talking to your cousin or another trusted person? Just because your mom didn’t know how to respond doesn’t mean that someone else won’t. Use your skill as a writer to work through a conversation with someone (maybe like writing a play?). Think about neighbors, friends, friends’ parents, other family members, spiritual or community leaders. Your circle of support may be much larger than you know!
- When you tried talking to your mom, did you try to SUPPORT PLAN in the TOOLS section? If so, GREAT! If not, you might consider checking that out. You may consider letting some time pass and trying to talk with your mom again. Parents sometimes don’t know what to say or say the wrong thing because they are shocked or at a loss for how to respond.
- In addition to your creative outlets, consider devoting time every day to doing something that brings you some peace or some happiness – watching birds, going outside, playing with a pet, meditating, rearranging something in your room. It is exhausting to struggle with depression and anxiety, so it’s important to do things that “restock your resources”.
- Consider checking out the GRIEF and LOSS section for some ways to deal with the loss of your grandfather. It’s so hard to lose a loved one, and it’s normal to feel sad about this for a long time.
