It is the job of parents, guardians, teachers, coaches and various other adults in our lives to teach young people how to participate successfully in their culture. We aren’t born with the automatic ability to do that on our own. We learn it from our caregivers and people around us.
Sometimes young people confuse discipline for abuse. You may become confused about this because
- It feels really unfair to you
- You feel very angry about what’s happening
- Others parents or guardians you know don’t have the same rules for their kids
- You are sad or disappointed about losing an item or privilege
- You don’t agree with a rule that an adult has in place for you
- You feel embarrassed about what’s happening
- Your friends tell you that you are being abused
- The consequence or rule makes you feel excluded from your social group
None of these things mean you are definitely being abused. It’s possible that the way your parent or guardian reacts to your behavior is abusive, but not definitely. It may help to have a few clear definitions.
Discipline is about teaching someone to follow a code of socially acceptable behavior. It is teaching people right from wrong and helping people become successful as they grow.
Types of discipline
Rules
Guidelines set up to prevent harm or to teach morals.
Routines
Ways/methods of living required in order to teach life skills, positive interactions and/or cultural norms.
Responsibilities
Tasks required in order to teach activities of daily self-care and community living.
Incentives
Potential rewards set up in advance that can be earned if desired behavior is displayed.
Natural consequences
Things that happen logically as a result of undesired behavior (example – You didn’t take care of your phone and it got lost. Now you do not have a phone.)
Reparative/Repeating consequences
Requiring you to fix something that you broke, clean up a mess you made or do something over that was not done correctly.
Restrictive consequences
Keeping you away from a desired area, from desired people or from a desired activity as a result of you breaking a rule, not following required routines, not fulfilling required responsibilities or otherwise displaying undesired behavior.
Removal of preferred items or loss of privileges
Taking something away from you that you like or taking away a privilege that you once had as a result of you breaking a rule, not following required routines, not fulfilling required responsibilities or otherwise displaying undesired behavior.