Female-19
I have struggled with anxiety, depression, and self harm my entire life. I isolated myself in my room and was content with my binge eating disorder. I had no friends and lost my love for my passion, which is music. When I graduated highschool I’m the midst of COVID-19 my binge eating got out of hand. I went to college and my unhealthy lifestyle continued. Due to covid and the online classes, I was content not going outside or showering on a regular basis. I was a wreck, until I met [name withheld]. [Name withheld] sent my whole life of course in the best way. He saw past my weight and my issues and find myself again. I started losing weight, my acne cleared up, I was happy.. until he told me about his past. I fell in love with the person he was and is now, not his past, but it is a lot and is impacting my life currently, that is why I am reaching out.
I made my decision which got me where I am but I want an outside perspective on if this is really the right path for me. I was a violin performance major in college but I got severely burnt out and lost my love for it. Where I am from my dream isn’t really attainable. I do not want to be a classical violinist what so ever, and having to play classical music and things I did not enjoy made me hate the thing I loved the most. My goal is to be a rock violinist. My favorite genre of music is rock and I have always loved how violin sounds in rock music. I was not happy in my home town and did not see myself truly achieving my goals if I stayed. [Name withheld] past involves crime. He is a felon because of a failed suicide attempt. He has his own mental health issues including bipolar, ADHD and depression. In his home town he got into an altercation with his ex, stole her car and then crashed it at 110 mph in attempts to kill himself, but he was not successful. He did time in jail but left when he was supposed to do probation. He has been homeless for the past two years and we managed to cross paths. Back in my home town we were planning on getting a place while I continued school but I wasn’t happy. I was also working a crappy job and it did not look like we would have enough for even first months rent. He was homeless without identification except an expired ID so he could not get a job. The plan was for us to start a life while I continued a degree I hated. This past summer he committed another crime in attempts to “help” pay for rent. He had stolen valuables from someone I was dog sitting for and had pawned them. I had no idea that this had taken place until the woman came back and said her jewelry was missing. He explained to me that he was so worried about rent that he did it to help and that he was planning on leaving to evade jail once again. He gave me a choice to either follow him and try to make something of myself and follow my dream in a place where I can make something of myself, or break up and be back where I started in college, depressed and alone and burnt out…I chose to go with him. We have been living out of my car since July barely making it by. I do Instacart as a job which is delivering groceries sort of like Door dash. Until we are able to get a place and he can get a new ID.
I love him more than anything. He accepts me for me and has bettered my mental health in ways I can’t even explain. It has been extremely hard living out of my car and has taken a toll on me. My family wants me to leave him and come home but I wasn’t happy there to begin with. At home I have a bed and family and security. When I left my family cut me off completely. They only want me to stay at home. I wanted to go to an out of state college but my father said if I left he would cut me off then too. My mom has helped when things got ready bad. Things got so bad at one point that I had to pawn my violin to fix my car and be able to eat. I have credit card bills and planet fitness membership (for showers) and don’t seem to be making progress. I have until November to make $800 to get my violin back. My parents have said if I leave him they will do anything to get me back, but I don’t know if I want to go back. I miss the security and my pets and sleeping in an actual bed, but I love [Name withheld] so much. We have helped each other in ways that I can’t even explain. If I left him he would have nothing and be on the streets again and I can’t do that to him. I want to make it work out here but it’s becoming increasingly harder and with winter approaching I am getting very scared about living in a car in freezing temperatures. I have mentioned the possibility of going back home and him Turning himself in but he refuses. He has said that without me he has nothing. And I know that that is true. Without me he has literally nothing and he has stated that if I leave he would have no reason to live and would probably kill himself.
I’m so conflicted. I want to be able to go home and save up money so that we can live a happy life together, but without him I don’t know what I would do either. Friends from my hometown doesn’t talk to me anymore and my family talks to me but only to tell me to come home and how I am ruining my life for him. I don’t know what to do.
HELP YOURSELF
- It definitely sounds like you have a lot going on in your life right now that can be very overwhelming. Start by taking a deep breath and be proud that you were brave enough to reach out to Teen Central. Sometimes asking for help in the hardest part.
- If you or someone you know are ever feeling unsafe, or so sad and that you have no one you can turn to, please reach out to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline. They are available 24 hours a day. You can contact them by calling 1-800-273-8255 or at https:///suicidepreventionlifeline.org. If you would rather text someone, you can do so by texting “Hello” to 741-741. Put these numbers in your phone if you haven’t already. They can respond back to you immediately in the moment when you’re in a tough spot.
- Is there anyone in your life such as those close family members you mentioned or friends that you would feel comfortable with enough to turn to them for support and guidance? Sometimes just being able to talk about what is going on with someone and getting the weight off your chest in enough to help clear your mind and make decisions. Maybe you don’t have to go back completely, but at least have a talk with one of them to get a different perspective. A face to face conversation with someone can be very helpful.
- In the beginning of your story you wrote “I made my decision which got me where I am but I want an outside perspective on if this is really the right path for me.” We are really glad you are questioning your decision. This is wise. Take a step back and think about your situation. You are living in your car and supporting someone you love who continues to commit crimes or questionable acts and is mentally unstable. If your best girlfriend came to you and told you this, what advise would you give her? Would you tell her keep staying with this person – to continue letting her life run down when she had other options? Think about that question. Maybe journal about it. Perhaps you will find your own answer within yourself.
CONSIDER THIS
- We suggest that you do some thinking about relationships. On our LEARN page we have a section having to do with Healthy Relationships that may really help you as you compare the information there to your current situation. Also available on this topic is a TOOL that will help you decide if your relationship is healthy or not – CLICK HERE. Make sure to scroll down. It’s two pages. You want a HEALTHY relationship. Even when you really have strong feelings for someone if the relationship is unhealthy you have to really consider making a positive change for yourself. Your long term benefit is worth a potentially difficult decision in the short term.
- Making difficult decisions is easier said (or written about) than done. We have a really good TOOL available to you that helps you make these hard decisions. CLICK HERE for a decision making tool that helps you compare pros and cons, and walks you through the thought process of making a healthy decision.
- Your overall mental health is extremely important through all of this. TeenCentral has a handy TOOL for remembering aspects of mental health and the things we need to do to PROTECT our mental health – CLICK HERE. Sometimes when we become busy helping one or more other people in our lives we forget about protecting ourselves. Is it possible that this has happened in your situation? We at TeenCentral are hoping you can use some of our information and TOOLS to work through your challenging situation. Stay safe!
