In both of my past relationships, I was treated extremely poorly, and cheated on multiple times. They actually are a big reason why I’ve been diagnosed with severe anxiety. Despite that, I was never jealous of other girls in either relationship, and didn’t seem to be affected much by the knowledge of the cheating taking place. Neither relationship lasted very long, and it’s been almost two years since I’ve had any contact with either of them. I have been with the boy of my dreams for a little over a year. I’m jealous of girls that even look his way. He talks to and texts other girls and my jealousy is insane. It makes my stomach turn and just really hurts my feelings. I don’t want to be controlling, but I hate him having friends that are girls and he knows this. He’s not the type of boy that would ever cheat and I don’t want to be jealous or scared – I just am. There’s been many times where I’ve started fights and arguments because I accidentally accuse him of these things in the midst of overthinking. I don’t want to be jealous or scared anymore. I want to just love him without having doubts that he’s cheating on me or loves someone she. What do I do?
Consider This
- It’s great that you realize that your jealousy or anxiety over his female friends is impacting your relationship. Now, you can do something about it. Be sure to talk to him about why you are feeling this way. Let him know you were hurt in the past.
- Also, try to remember that your current boyfriend is not your past boyfriend. As we experience life lessons, we learn from those. You have learned a life lesson about relationshps and cheating and now you are worried about your current relationship. It is important to look at the facts. Sometimes it is useful to share these feelings with a close friend who can give you a neutral perspective. Your anxiety from the past relationships may be affecting your current relationship. A close friend can help you look at the facts and reassure you that you have nothing to worry about.
- Try to finds ways to keep yourself calm. Creating a mantra (little saying to say to yourself), taking deep breaths, engaging in something you enjoy (recreation, art, music, volunteering, a job) can help distract you from your anxious feelings and reduce them. With time, you can learn to calm yourself and assess what you should pay attention to and what you should let pass.
- It might also be helpful to plan fun things to do with your current boyfriend in order to make more positive memories and allow the anxiety to be behind you. If during these times, he talks to a girl, or texts a girl, practice how you will handle this. If you know he is just a nice guy and it is reasonable for him to have female friends, use your calming techniques during this time. You can also engage with this female in a positive manner, asking him about her (how they met, what she likes, etc.), talking with her if you meet in person, etc. She may end up being your friend as well.
- If you are feeling too overwhelmed to manage things on your own, make sure you are reachign out to someone and getting some help. Seek out a counselor that you can talk to.
Help Yourself
- What are 3 calming techniques you can try when you are feeling anxious?
- What is one activity you can become engaged in?
- How can you address your anxiety with your current boyfriend?
- Who can you talk to (outside of your boyfriend) to get a neutral perspective?
- Who is someone you can reach out to if you need more support?
