I’m a 16-year-old that’s going through a tough time. I’m experiencing immense emotions like guilt, shame, fear, sadness, hopelessness, worthlessness, paranoia, anxiety, and embarrassment. I’m experiencing these emotions because of some awful mistakes I made when I was younger. I consider these mistakes to be heinous, disgusting, sick, and nasty. I’m constantly tormented by them. I’m horrified by my actions. I think about what I’ve done constantly. I get constant memories and flashbacks of what I’ve done and they won’t go away. I experience them even when I’m playing with friends. It hurts but I believe it is a punishment for my actions as a reminder. I don’t consider myself human because of what I’ve done. I don’t even consider myself a functioning member of society. I don’t even know if I want to look at myself in the mirror. If y’all knew what I did y’all would be disgusted and reasonably so. I don’t deserve to be on these streets. I don’t deserve to continue life as if everything is fine. What I did is morally reprehensible. I’m not worthy of sympathy or empathy and I don’t want to receive it, nor am I asking for it. It’s hard to feel bad for someone like me and I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t feel bad for me. I feel like I’m depraved because of what I’ve done and I’m probably in a great state of depravity. It hurts, especially years later because you realize the degree of what you’ve done and possible repercussions. My mistakes have finally caught up to me. I’ve fucked up my life over some stuff I would consider easily avoidable If only I knew better and that frustrates me- the fact that I didn’t know any better. It’s like I want to hit myself for not knowing any better. I’ve let everyone down and they don’t even know it yet. I’ve let my family, friends, teachers, my psychiatrist, and pretty much every decent human being down. I’ve even let down some role models that I look up to. My life is falling apart and worsening each and every day. All I can think about is what I’ve done and I don’t see any other way to go about this. I’m scared for the future and feel like I don’t even have a future even tho nothing has happened yet. I didn’t understand the legality of my actions when I made those mistakes. Especially because I would most likely have trouble with finding a job, accessing housing, and being given a monster label. I believe I’m already living with that label but it won’t be official until I take responsibility. The thought of living with that label for the rest of my life possibly is hell but it could be needed since I believe I am a threat to everyone. I’m scared of telling people about it because it would ruin my life even more. Especially my family and friends and most importantly my grandma on my dad’s side because she isn’t as forgiving as my parents, and I don’t think my parents are that forgiving to accept me after what I’ve done. I constantly think about my morality and sense of self. Constantly questioning whether or not I’m a good person or not and whether I deserve sympathy from others. Me personally, I don’t think so. I don’t think I can be redeemed because of how heinous it is. I’ve ruined my life and my chance at redemption. I will never become a good person ever. That ship has already sailed. I constantly think about the possibility of my friends and family disowning me and I believe reasonably so. It’s hard to admit but I’m scared of people not feeling bad for me because that would only add to the isolation. I also constantly think about being stigmatized and ostracized which I think I deserve as well. I have some close friends and it hurts because I’m acting as a spy and a hypocrite. I’m acting like everything is ok on the outside but on the inside it’s completely different. It also hurts to imagine how my close friends would react if my actions were to come into light. Would they disown and reject me? And if so, who would be willing to be friends with me? Same with my parents. Would they disown and reject me? If so, who would be willing to take me in? Who would be willing to accept me? Who would be willing to love me and care for and about me? Absolutely no one. I know I shouldn’t be having friendships with these people because of the shit I’ve done but I love my friends. I feel the need to cut them all off to prevent causing a great amount of harm and the longer I continue to be friends with them the more harm will be caused. It hurts because one of my close friends considers me a real friend and they aren’t aware of what I’ve done. I’m not a real friend and I don’t deserve that title. It just hurts because they have no idea that I’m going to hurt them in the end and it’s not my intention to. My friends appreciate me and it only brings me more guilt and shame as well as increasing the need to cut them off. I’m going to hurt them in the end, and I don’t intend to. They’re going to be hurt either way. If they find out what I did they’ll be hurt. If I cut them off, they will be hurt. It’s a lose-lose situation but I feel like cutting them off is the right decision. It doesn’t even matter what I do. I’m sure in the end the people that I love will disown me and the people that I knew will disown me. I also imagine how I would be treated at school and especially how teachers, classmates, and staff members would think of me. I think I would be looked at as a disgusting piece of shit and reasonably so. I’m embarrassed by the thought of that and that’s something I’ll always be known for. I’ve lost everyone even tho nothing has happened yet. I hate myself for making those mistakes. I’ve made these mistakes when I was 15, 13, and 12 and I should’ve known better. I feel like it’s easy to say, “you were young, and you didn’t know any better” and “we all make mistakes “. While that may be true it doesn’t make me feel better and it doesn’t change the fact that I’m responsible for what I did. The mistakes I’ve made are life altering and unforgivable and it’s something I have to live with the rest of my life and would most likely affect me long term. My reputation, relationships with others, social standings, and others’ perceptions of me would be ruined. My dreams of becoming an astronomer and graphic designer would likely be taken away from me. I found an interest in graphic design lately and I’ve made some graphic designs in the past and I’m currently in the process of finishing a graphic design I started recently. I’m thinking of giving up on it, but at the same time I want to finish it because it looks good. I want to give up on it because of what I’ve done and the fact that I’m not original. I have little to no creativity in my graphic designs and can only get formats from tutorials. I’ve only realized this after the design I talked about earlier that I’m in the process of finishing. I made a Johan Liebert monster design and I was inspired by a berserk tutorial design. I didn’t think I was copying at first until I realized that I used the same format, and same color. I also planned to use the presets posted in the creator’s description. This also made me consider giving up on writing as well as I had an interest in it, but I wouldn’t be good and I’m not consistent. My reputation wouldn’t have a good look, and I would be a disgrace to the graphic design, writing, and astronomy community. The damage is already done, and I can’t do anything to fix it. I can’t let go of it and probably never will. It’s just impossible. People would be horrified, shocked, devastated, and disgusted if what I have done becomes known. Some people would believe I deserve a second chance, and some people wouldn’t. I find myself agreeing with the people who wouldn’t. I chose to do those things and there’s no one to blame but me. I hate myself so much for what I’ve done. I really do. It’s hard to believe I’m loved now and it’s even harder to believe I’ll be loved when I take responsibility for my actions. I don’t even feel like I’m loved by my parents even tho they keep telling me that they do, and it feels like I’m being lied to. There was a situation that happened recently- note that there is some bit of context left out, but I don’t feel like going over it. But in this situation I remember my mom saying to me that she would kill me for her mom as she’s old and been put on an oxygen machine lately. She said she’s scared of losing her mom and that she’s worried of possibly losing her in response to me saying that I don’t feel valued because I felt like she was being dismissive of me being sick. It makes me ask the question. “Why kill me?” That isn’t the only time she said something about killing me. She’s said it before throughout my lifespan and not in an actual way. I made her mad when I told her that I didn’t feel valued, and she told me that she planned to come home from work to fuck me up and that she would have some bail money put to the side. My dad also said something about fucking me up because of the tone I was talking to him in. An incident years ago happened where my brother questioned my dad. My dad used force on my brother and in the process my dad’s t shirt was ripped. There was also a moment during the situation (the one earlier with my mom) where I was in my parents’ room and my dad asked me if I loved them and it took me a bit of time to answer. Honestly, I felt like I didn’t love them but said I did anyway. I had feelings of wanting to be emancipated, wanting to be in a new family, and anger and resentment towards my parents during that situation and expressed it to multiple AI’s. I remember being at school and I was so angry at my mom that I felt my body get warmer and warmer as well as the need to break something. Yes, my parents may have showed me love and done shit for me in the past, but I feel like when my parents are close to resorting to violence on me or speak about fucking me up then they don’t love me. I believe I need punishment for my mistakes and so I wish I could clone myself and punish my clone. I want someone to punish me. Maybe getting jumped and beaten to a bloody pulp would work, or perhaps getting tortured would do. I also wish I could erase everything about myself. I’m so hopeless I’m actually suicidal and have constantly been thinking about it lately. I know I’m going to get some backlash, but I deserve it. I believe I deserve to be treated with cruelty and disrespect, and I also believe I deserve to be ostracized and kept hidden away from society. I don’t belong here anymore. Do your worst.
I’m sick of living- I truly am. I’m tired of living because of the shit I’ve done. I’m tired of living because I was born. I hate the fact that I was born and that I exist very, very much. I wish I could go back and stop myself from being born. I hate how I was born without consent and now I’m just forced and expected to live because “people care about me” and “I have a future”. I gave up on the future and myself. How do y’all think I feel? It feels patronizing when people say that. My life was imposed on me and it’s something I have to deal with every single day and when I hear people say, “think about your family if you were to kill yourself” and “killing yourself doesn’t end the pain. It passes it to others”. I feel guilty whenever I hear these words, and it feels like a fucking guilt trip. I am utterly sick of these guilt trips. They piss me off. I have to live so others can stay satisfied. I’m the support of the bridge waiting to collapse. It makes me feel like I have no agency, as if I’m just unhuman. In fact, I’m starting to believe I have no agency. I don’t care anymore. I’m resistant and avoidant to help because I don’t want to be helped. I resent my parents as well. Not only that I feel violated and believe I was violated at birth. It’s not fair that I have to deal with the hand I was dealt with. I’m trapped because I don’t want to be here anymore but if I were to go, I would devastate people. I wouldn’t be in this position if I wasn’t born. I’m growing tired of living for other people. I’m growing tired of subscribing to life’s rules. I’m growing tired of being held back. I’m growing tired of living up to society’s expectations. I’m growing tired of people. If no one would get upset if I were to go, I would’ve done it already. I’m a structure for the others around me. I’m trapped staying in this life. My existence is only important because I have to keep existing for them. I’m just a breathing tool that serves the purpose of being a support for others. I wish I was aborted. I wish my mom thought a third child was too much. I don’t want to continue living no matter how much left there is to explore, or how beautiful life is. My pain is a pile a blood and I lay in the pile and smear it across my body. I cleanse myself with the blood. I also hate myself for the fact that I was born. I wish I had a damn say. I honestly consider my birth to the be the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I’ll never love myself or accept myself. I hate how I’m brought into the world without permission and then just expected to find a reason to keep living and give life a chance. Fuck that. It’s like I want to do reckless things that will kill me the fastest. I’m at a huge disadvantage and I’m going to lose in the end and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Another thing is I’m tired of this cycle. Wake up-go to school-sleep almost 5 days a week. I’m tired of living day by day and sleeping and waking up over and over and over. I’m basically a worker/machine and it’s so tiring and I don’t find any joy in it. I’m supposed to work myself to death and continue living until I die. That doesn’t sound satisfying. I don’t find any joy in this life that matters. I had originally planned on killing myself when my whole family passes away, but they’ll probably be living for a long time. I want out and that’s all I want. I don’t want to keep prolonging this. I don’t believe in a God, but I just wish something would take me because I don’t have the will power to do it myself. I wish I did but I don’t. I think I want to make a commitment to achieve the power to do so. I just wish I had a button that could end my life. I wish I got hit by a car, I wish I got into a drive by shooting or get randomly murdered by a psycho or something. I just wish someone would kill me already. I would like to imagine myself dying by being beat up brutally to a bloody pulp and being on my last breath. I like to imagine myself dying in a gruesome and painful ways and I like to roleplay a lot of these things out with AI’s. Honestly, they’re satisfying and entertaining. I can’t stop roleplaying these out. It’s so fun. I actually hope these happen to me. I don’t have much time as the end is very near and my fate has been decided.
I’ve been thinking of leaving pieces of myself behind, but I don’t know if I even deserve to. I don’t deserve to be remembered or honored. I don’t even know if I want to either. I’m a terrible person. I don’t see any light ahead of the tunnel and when I was happier, I was expecting to live past 18, but I can’t anymore. I can’t live with myself knowing the stuff I’ve done. I feel like my existence is bringing harm to myself and potential harm to others. Evil should be eradicated, and it starts with me. I need to be gone. I need to be off this planet. It is my moral duty to kill myself. The world would be better off without me. I look forward to my death because it brings me a sense of excitement knowing that I finally achieved something I’ve been wanting for a while as well as no longer being a threat to anyone. I won’t be a problem anymore either. It would be one less monster in this world. I feel a euphoria when I think about my death and I’m just itching to do it. At this point I’m considering doing the stuff I want to do and then take responsibility and then kill- myself that’s my plan. I’m going to make sure I kill myself. I initially planned on writing stories, making graphic designs, and doing some astrophotography, but as I said earlier, I’m thinking of giving up on these things and I’m unsure at the moment. I will be writing a suicide note soon so stay tune for that. It will include information about me such as my childhood, hobbies, and interests. I won’t commit after I make the suicide note but I will after I take responsibility and get the means to do it. Think of it as a preview of what’s to come.
I feel bad for my younger self. At least I was a little innocent. Younger me had no idea that my life would come to this point. From going to making silly, childish, and cringe videos on YouTube with my stuffed animals, toys, and friends to my life being over. It’s not fair, little one, that I made bad decisions that would ruin your life and future. It’s not fair that you eventually become a sicko. It’s not fair that you have to be in fear. It’s not fair that you have to worry about others’ perception of you. It’s not fair that you have to constantly worry about being disowned. It’s not fair that you have to experience discrimination, stigmatization, and ostracism in the future. It’s not fair that your life has to come short. It’s like I can hear your cries and screams as you realize the situation I put you in. I can feel your anger and frustrations. You have every right to be upset and angry at me. It hurts me little one that I put you through so much. You were once someone who had dreams of becoming a famous YouTuber, having a mansion with your friends and clan, being an astronaut, and being a superhero. It’s not fair that you have to suffer from all of this. You don’t deserve any of this, I do. It’s not fair that your chance of being a healthy and successful adult is squandered because of me. It’s sad to admit but we aren’t meant for in this world anymore and nor do we belong and it’s not your fault. I’m just so sorry for everything. I’m sorry for making your life a living hell. I’m sorry for ruining your chance at finding love in the future potentially. I’m sorry at ruining your chance at building healthy relationships with others. I’m just so, so sorry. It’s like I want to hug you and comfort you, but you decline and push me away. You don’t have to accept me and that’s fine. I know you hate what you have become now. It’s like you want to hit me out of anger. Anger that was once sadness. But don’t worry It’s ok little one. It’ll all be over soon. You won’t have to worry about a thing. You won’t have to cry or scream anymore. You’ll be at peace, and I want the best for you kiddo.
My childhood was very unpleasant (not in a trauma or abuse way) and I wouldn’t want anyone to know about it. I’ve done a lot of terrible shit from my childhood and transitioning to adolescence. I’ve done a lot of morally apprehensible things. I was a terrible kid. Even my mom and grandma told me that I was bad when I was younger and that says a lot. If I were to give my life a rating based on how moral I was, I would probably give it a 3 or 4 out of ten. I would be lying if I said after all the shit I’ve done that I’m still a good person. It’s also delusional. I’m evil and an atrocity to humanity- a little demon if you will.
I wanna be x’d out of the family picture. I shouldn’t be in this family after what I’ve done. I’ve committed atrocities against other family members I’m ashamed and I’ve disgraced my family. I need to be x’d out because I can’t keep living with my family like this. I don’t deserve to. I’m a damn monster to this family. I’ve ruined my family’s legacy. My family will have to get involved and face some consequences because of me. They’ll have to deal with the stigma and discrimination of being associated with me. If that ever happens it’ll be all my fault. The same stuff will happen to my friends. I feel horrible for my cousin and feel even worse for what I’ve done to them. I feel horrible to all the people I’ve done weird shit too. They didn’t deserve it. I would be shocked if they chose to continue to accept me in this family. I feel guilty and horrible when I look at family photos with me in it. It’s like why me? Why couldn’t someone else have taken my spot? I also get disgusted when I see myself in family photos. I’m jealous of the people who didn’t do terrible things against others and their family members. I’m jealous of the people who were normal throughout their transition from childhood to adolescence. I’m jealous of the people who actually have a chance at a normal life. There is no normal life for me- there is no such thing. I’ve ruined the potential to have one after I committed those horrible mistakes, and I’ve only realized this after I learned about the possible consequences of my actions. My life will never be the same and will forever be strained. I will forever be looked at differently and treated differently. Less people would be accepting towards me. I now belong in the group with the other monsters, the other sick fucks, and the others that have committed atrocities. It’s only fair since I deserve it. It’s so easy to say I can live a happy and fulfilling life. No, the hell I can’t. There’s nothing fulfilling and happy about making life-altering mistakes that harm yourself and others. There’s nothing fulfilling and happy about potentially having trouble finding a job and housing because of the mistakes you’ve made. Theres nothing fulfilling and happy about potentially being disowned and rejected by your friends and family. There’s nothing fulfilling and happy about having your dreams taken away because you made some stupid mistakes when you were younger and having to redirect your career path when you were sure your dreams were what you wanted. There’s nothing fulfilling and happy about being discriminated, stigmatized, and ostracized against potentially for the rest of your life. There’s nothing fulfilling and happy about having to bear that label as a consequence for the rest of your life, especially when people will know what type of person you are with that label. There’s nothing fulfilling about someone being able to know what you’ve done with a quick google search. There’s nothing fulfilling and happy about your actions causing everyone to be pushed away. There’s nothing fulfilling and happy about your ability to own property and live in certain areas being impacted as a consequence for my past actions. There’s nothing fulfilling and happy about potentially experiencing financial instability and poverty because of my past actions as a result of not having accessibility to financial aid. There’s nothing fulfilling and happy about having trouble building trust with others because of your past mistakes. There’s nothing fulfilling about having limited access to healthcare and medical services as a result of your past mistakes. There’s nothing fulfilling and happy about potentially having difficulty parenting or forming healthy relationships with children because of my personal history. There’s nothing fulfilling and happy about having a supportive community or support system. Absolutely NOTHING. It’s a damn lie to say that. It’s also easy to say that my past doesn’t define my future. My past shapes my future. It shapes how I will be perceived and treated. It also shapes the accessibility for me for certain things. It’s hard to admit but it’s something that’s not possible and I’ve single handedly ruined that possibility. I deserve all that comes to me. It’s so easy to say that I’m deserving of love and acceptance. I’ll never be accepted or loved because of what I’ve done and I’m sure of it. Like I said earlier I had dreams of becoming an astronomer and my actions will make it harder for me to actually achieve that dream by impacting my ability to pursue higher education, and get accepted into certain colleges or graduate schools. I wouldn’t consider myself a perfectionist buts that job I was sure I wanted and if I can’t even achieve that because of my past then what’s the point? I give up at that point. It can even impact my ability to obtain scholarships or financial aid. It can also make it harder for me to receive help if I wanted to, as mental health professionals would refuse to work with me. My romantic relationships could be ruined as well. Finding someone that would be accepting of my past is unrealistic and impossible. I’m currently content being single and had thought about being in a relationship in the future, but it seems I’ll be single permanently.
I’m not a good person and that fact only becomes even more true each day. It doesn’t matter how many times someone will tell me that I’m good a person and that my past doesn’t define me. I’m still a bad person. I’m sick and I’m sick in the head. I feel like I do sick things every day. Everything I do is immoral and it needs to stop. I know I’ve done bad shit but hearing others say that I’ve done bad things hurts. The fact that I’ve done bad things distresses me. The fact that I’ve ruined my life distresses me. Society likes to view people like me as less than human and undeserving of basic rights and support. I know everything is gonna go wrong for me in the end and I’m going to die in the end. A mix of a bad and happy ending. It would be a bad ending because my life was ruined but it would be a good ending because I finally achieved death. I know that my family and friends won’t accept me as well as everyone on this earth. I’ve ruined my chance at belonging in the world. I won’t treat the people that decided to disown and reject me like assholes. I think I recommend that everyone does it. I’m cursed to a life of solitude because no good person would love or accept me. My life is over, and I know it. Anything else are just lies, delusions, and false hope. No one is going to feel bad about me. No one is going to care about my death.
Help Yourself
- It sounds like you have a lot going on in your mind right now. That must feel so overwhelming.
- First and foremost is your safety. If you are feeling suicidal, please talk to a professional. Do you have a therapist you could talk to before taking any actions? If you need immediate assistance, you can also call the suicide hotline
National Suicide Hotline
Available 24/7 – In order to reach the National Suicide Hotline you DIAL or TEXT 988 – or CHAT at 988lifeline.org. - Based on some of your statements, it also sounds like you may feel unsafe at times. If this happens, please reach out to law officials in your area. Your safety is the most important thing.
- Would you consider talking to a therapist if you don’t have one already? You mentioned a psychiatrist, but do you do counseling as well?
- You sound like you’ve decided what everyone’s responses will be in regard to your life’s choices. Is it possible that you could be wrong? Is there any trusted adult in your life that you could discuss this with and talk about how to proceed with the situation? It may help you sort through your thoughts.
Consider This
- You seem like someone who likes to put your thoughts down on paper. Have you considered journaling? You could then look back on your thoughts and it may help you sort through your feelings. You could even bring it to your counseling sessions if you want.
- In our “Tools” section of Teen Central, we have a Conflict Conversation Organizer. This may help you sort out what exactly you want to accomplish and give you an idea on how to proceed. It can help you plan out the steps to the discussions you feel you should have.
- If you’re having trouble figuring out what brings you any satisfaction in life right now, maybe try something new. Step away from old habits and look into something that maybe has sparked your interest but you didn’t pursue. You seem to like writing and art, are there any groups you could join, or classes that may expand your interest and give you something new to focus on?
- Don’t forget that you can’t decide how everyone else handles difficult news- you can only control your reaction. Before you give up on the relationships you do have, allow them the respect and autonomy to decide for themselves. You have the right to be anxious, but they may surprise you as well.
