There is no right or wrong way to disclose, but you should give thought to your safety and well-being, and the potential benefits or risks associated with coming out.

Benefits may include living authentically and reducing the stress that can be associated with hiding who you are, getting closer to people who care about you and will support you, building a community of people who identify with you, being a role model for others to come out

Risks may include questions or shock from people who have known you, encountering people who don’t understand or do not accept your truth, shock, hostility or discrimination, potential violence, losing support from your parents or being kicked out of your home

*If any of these things happen to you when you come out it does not mean that your identity is wrong or that coming out was the wrong choice. It is only a reaction from people who do not understand or are unwilling to accept. You can’t control or change it, at least not right away. However, it does not change the value and importance of your truth or your value and beauty as a person.

Think about what it is you’d like to share. You can be as specific or as general as you feel comfortable being. Keep in mind that people might ask questions about things they don’t understand (for example, if you say you are gender fluid, some people might not completely understand what that means)

You get to choose who you tell. You might choose to start with one person or a group. You also choose which environments you will be “out” in, again this could be a few safe places or everywhere.

You can also ask people to honor the privacy of the information you give them. It’s not theirs to tell. Just remember that some people aren’t great at keeping things private, even if you ask- and they may tell others. That may impact your choice to tell them.

The thought of coming out to parents and family can be especially scary. Because these people are often so close to you, the thought of their rejection can be very painful. From their perspective, they may be confused, angry or even deny the truth of what you tell them.

Although these are their reactions and not something you can control, this type of rejection can have a significant effect on you emotionally, so considering their reaction and how you will handle it is important.

To prepare for this, put some thought into what coping skills you can use and what supports you have to rely on if things get rough.

Also consider that you can enlist some support. Ask a trusted and safe person that already knows, like a family member or family friend, an advocate, therapist or guidance counselor, to be with you when you talk to them.

When you come out it is also important to consider what it is you may want or need from them.

In fact, people who care about you may ask you how they can support you. It is good to consider what you want and what will help you. Some questions to ponder might be:

• Do you want them to keep what you’ve told them private or are you okay with them talking about it?
• Are there changes to the way you would like them to address you (like name and pronouns)?
• If there are changes, should they make them in the presence of all groups are only some (if specific, which ones)?
• What other some other ways they can they support you?
• Can they be a supportive resource to call on when you tell other people or a person you can trust and rely on for emotional support if others are unsupportive?

Because coming out can be an emotional journey, another consideration is what you can do for self-care if you need it. Having some options established is helpful if you are stressed, overwhelmed or upset.

Think about…

• What signs and symptoms (emotional or physical) will let you know that you are stressed out and need help?
• What are some things that comfort you that you can do?
• Who/what list supports can you call on for help?

There is a Support Plan tool on the TeenCentral Tools page that you can use! If you are feeling suicidal or need immediate help, please contact 911 or your local authorities or go to the TeenCentral Help page and for a list of support organizations for LGBTQ youth.

Sexual orientation is who a person is attracted to; gender identity is your inner sense of being male, female someplace in-between or neither. Don’t make assumptions about a person’s sexual orientation or gender identity. Gender identity and sexual orientation are separate and distinct from each other. Everyone has a unique identity.

Cisgender: Describes a person whose gender identity aligns in a traditional sense with the sex assigned to them at birth.

Gender diverse: An umbrella term describing individuals with gender identities and/or expressions that vary from expected developmental norms. This includes people who identify as multiple genders or with no gender at all.

Gender dysphoria: A concept designated in the DSM-5 as clinically significant distress or impairment related to a strong desire to be of another gender, which may include desire to change primary and/or secondary sex characteristics. Not all transgender or gender diverse people experience dysphoria.

Gender expression: The outward manifestation of a person’s gender, which may or may not reflect their inner gender identity based on traditional expectations. Gender expression incorporates how a person carries themselves, their dress, accessories, grooming, voice/speech patterns and conversational mannerisms, and physical characteristics.

Gender identity: A person’s inner sense of being a girl/woman, boy/man, some combination of both, or something else, including having no gender at all. This may or may not correspond to the gender assigned at birth.

Nonbinary: A term used by some individuals whose gender identity is neither girl/woman nor boy/man.

Sex/gender assigned at birth: Traditional designation of a person as “female,” “male,” or “intersex” based on anatomy (external genitalia and/ or internal reproductive organs) and/or biology (sex chromosomes and/or hormones). “Sex” and “gender” are often used interchangeably, but they are distinct entities. It is best to distinguish between sex, gender identity, and gender expression and to avoid making assumptions about a person regarding one of these characteristics based on knowledge of the others. This is sometimes abbreviated as AFAB (assigned female at birth) or AMAB (assigned male at birth).

Sexual orientation: Describes the types of individuals toward whom a person has emotional, physical, and/or romantic attachments.

Transgender: An umbrella term describing individuals whose gender identity does not align in a traditional sense with the gender they were assigned at birth. It may also be used to refer to a person whose gender identity is binary and not traditionally associated with that assigned at birth.

Reference provided by the American Psychiatric Association

Perzanowski, E. S., Ferraiolo, T., & Keuroghlian, A. S. (2020). Overview and Terminology. In Forcier, M., VanSchalkwyk, G., & Turban, J.L. (Eds.), Pediatric Gender Identity: Gender-affirming Care for Transgender & Gender Diverse Youth (pp. 1-13). Springer Nature.

Asking someone this question implies that the name they gave you is not authentic, valid or real, as is asking someone what their “real” gender is. Someone’s identity is not up for debate, it is what they say it is. Don’t be disrespectful-consider how it would feel if someone asked you these questions.

Gender identity and sexual orientation are personal. If someone chooses to come out to you, it probably means that they trust you. Honor their trust and be sure that you check with them before telling anyone else what they have told you or saying something in a larger group. They may not be telling everyone and you may “out” them.

It’s important to respect the name and pronouns a person uses. If you’re not sure, just ask- what pronouns do you prefer? Or, you can start the conversation by giving the person you are speaking with the pronouns that you prefer. Imagine how it might feel if someone constantly used the wrong pronouns to describe you (misgendered you).

Introduce yourself by stating your own preferred pronouns, support gender-neutral public bathrooms and use gender-neutral language. Refrain from identifying people in gender –specific ways (an example could be saying “hi everyone” instead of hey guys/girls”). And although you may be trying to be supportive, statements such as “I would not have known you are trans, you’re so pretty” are insulting and hurtful because they are ignorant.

Educate people around you if they are unaware of how to be an ally. Challenge the use inappropriate and disrespectful language that demeans the LGBT community (transphobic or homophobic language). Some people attempt to pass this off as “joking.” Remind them that it is not funny- it is disrespectful, hurtful and makes people feel unsafe. Don’t allow it in your presence.

Don’t be afraid to acknowledge that you don’t know something. Let people know you don’t know or ask where you can get more information. One of the best ways to find out is to listen to LGBTQ people in your community about their thoughts, feelings and experiences.