I have had a very rough last few months. I have been dating who I consider to be the love of my life- an active duty solider currently serving in his duty station. He is charismatic, a deep thinker, and very concerned about taking care of me even though we are long distance apart. His personality can flip a “switch” though. He can be very jealous and critical. He’s told me it’s from past relationship issues, but I want to help him work through it. He can also say some very rude and hurtful things at times, and I don’t understand where it’s coming from. He apologizes for his behavior and goes back to being so sincere. Sometimes, I don’t entirely know what page he is on regarding us. He says he loves me and never means to hurt me. He even told me he wants to marry me someday (and he is so genuine). I still love him and see good in him. I gave him my virginity when he came to visit a while back (something I took very seriously about losing). He knew how much it meant to me too. Advice please. I love him with all my heart but I feel so confused.
CONSIDER THIS:
- It’s difficult to comprehend how unkind the man you love can be when you love him so deeply. You are brave to seek help when others would let cruel behavior intimidate and break them.
- Firstly, know that no matter what this person went through it is not okay for a guy to treat a girl like this.
- Consider the possibility that he isn’t ready for a relationship because he has past issues, like he told you. Try asking him to see a psychologist or therapist. Maybe he has been treated the way he treats you and now he’s taking past behavior out on you. This is unacceptable no matter what his reason is because this hurts you.
- He will most likely repeat this same behavior because it most likely tortures him and he doesn’t even understand how his actions affect himself or others. Think about leaving the relationship until he gets help.
- Additionally, a little jealousy in a relationship can be healthy, but excessive jealousy is not love, it’s just plain selfish. Think about the possibility that maybe he doesn’t love you as much as he or you believes. Maybe you’re meant to be friends and you don’t understand your connection or you don’t belong together as a couple.
- Someone that loves you will not be consistently harsh and critical to you. This behavior is abusive. It may seem small now but will most likely escalate with time if the issue isn’t fixed. Tell him exactly how you feel and don’t keep accepting it because he could become dangerous. In a friendly and kind manner give him an ultimatum to seek help before the situation gets so bad it is intolerable. You can even help him through it as a friend which may bring you closer together than you ever were.
- It would help to understand his feelings more because even though he may love you, he may be more immature than he seems.
- It’s always helpful to know all your options. The National Teen Dating Violence Hotline and other useful resources are located on Teen Central under the Help tab.
HELP YOURSELF:
- How can you unselfishly and kindly tell your boyfriend to seek the help of a trusted therapist?
- Without letting your emotions get in the way, how can you analyze your relationship?
- What advice would you give to your closest friend if they came to you for support?
