So this is going to be a mess… but I need real help, something I can’t go to people I know about. Basically, my girlfriend of over a year now knows someone who, due to past abuse, can no longer have kids. My girlfriend has just called me asking if she could carry a child for this woman she knows. (I’m 20, my girlfriend is 18). I feel so against this, but I don’t know what to do. Basically when I told her how I felt she said she didn’t want to choose because she’d choose her friend. She basically made it out that it would be either she carrys this child and we stay together, or she does it and leaves me. I wouldn’t be able to do it. I’d see it and know it isn’t mine, she keeps saying that it won’t be her “first child” but to me it is. I keep saying it as it would be her carrying this child and her giving birth to it and I’d have to witness the whole progress and it would kill me. I already suffer with episodes of severe sadness that may or may not be depression. I already feel like an awful person and all of this has just made me feel so much worse, I feel like I can’t say no otherwise I’d lose her, but if I say yes I feel like I’d hate myself and that I’d go through the whole process feeling bad. Then after it’s done I feel like it’s something I could never forget. I mean it’s nine months of her incubating a child that’s not mine for someone else. I can’t see any positive outcome of this. I really can’t imagine my life without this girl… so it seems like either way it ends negatively for me. Even if she doesn’t do it, I’d never forget that I was an awful person. I’d never forgive myself for denying someone a child and denying what my girlfriend wants. I literally feel so scared, so sick, and so upset right now that I don’t know what to do. I’d normally turn to self harm in the past when I felt like this, but I promised I wouldn’t. My heart is saying no, but my mind is just a mess. It wants to say no, but I want to keep her. I just feel so bad, so awful.My life was going so well then so many things went wrong. My grandad’s in hospital, my phone broke, I feel like I’m failing at uni, my job sucks and I barely see my family, and then on top of it all my girlfriend wants to have a child that won’t be mine. I just don’t know what to do and don’t know what advice could even be given on this. Talking to her about it just upsets us both as she will choose to help her friend which means she may or may not leave me, but she almost seems hesitant about doing it without me being okay with it but it kills me. I dont want to lose her, especially with Christmas coming up, it’s not even about presents, it’s about spending Christmas with her. Why is this happening to me, why can’t I have anything go my way for once. I hate myself so much, please somoene, somehow, help, please. Everything’s just getting worse.
CONSIDER THIS:
- Worrying about your relationship can make you feel sad and alone You are strong for persevering through this obstacle even though it hurts you deeply.
- You can only truly love someone else when you learn to love yourself first. Consider how much your relationship is worth keeping at the expense of your own health and well-being.
- Your girlfriend is allowed to make her own decisions. If you want someone who’ll only have your baby, you may need to find someone else.
- It might be best to tell your girlfriend exactly how you feel. This could open up honest communication so you both know your intentions. If you hold your real feelings in, they’ll come out eventually anyways. This could make you realize you wasted your time by not being honest. Face your fears so you can make real progress in life. If you’re wrong for each other you’ll only hold each other back and become unhappy.
- Your ideal mate will challenge you in ways that may be difficult to handle. But this is meant to make you a better person, not bring you down. Be smart by analyzing whether she’s worth your time or not. Does she make you a better you? Or does she make you into someone you don’t like being? You can make a list of all the pros and cons of staying with her.
- Relationships don’t need to be so painful. Since your girlfriend isn’t bothered by the thought of carrying someone else’s child, why would you be? Maybe you live in two different worlds. You may need to find someone who shares your values, goals, hobbies, etc. The right person for you is like a best friend.
- A person needs to know themselves first before they can find the right person for them. You could benefit from spending time alone so can get to know yourself better and build self confidence. You need to completely be able to be yourself in a healthy relationship. If you can’t be yourself you’ll likely become bitter, unhappy and possibly abusive. Your feelings and opinions matter too.If someone doesn’t care enough about you, they’re not right for you. Both partners need equal treatment in a healthy relationship.
- Spirituality has the power to help someone when they need it the most. You can head to the Teen Central website and click the Learn tab then Spirituality to learn more. Spiritual techniques to help you gain deeper insight are meditation, yoga and prayer. You can head to church to attend services if you’d like to feel connected to a higher power.
- You can try creativity to help you distract yourself and express your feelings. Activities are painting, drawing, writing and listening to music, among others.
- Being overly dramatic won’t solve the problem. It might help you to be realistic. You survived without your girlfriend before you met her so you could live without her if you had to for your own health.
- You can repeat positive affirmations to yourself to discourage hopelessness and negative thinking.
- If you need someone to talk to, head to the Teen Central website and click the Help tab to call one of the hotlines. Click the Learn tab then one or more of the issues to educate yourself about your problems. See a trusted therapist if necessary.
HELP YOURSELF:
- In what ways might your life be better if you didn’t have to deal with this dramatic problem?
- What are some qualities your ideal mate would have?
- If your ideal mate came along right now, how would you feel about your current girlfriend?
- What might happen if you get higher standards when searching for the right mate?
