I turned 15 a few months ago but ever since quarantine my sense of time has been warped. My mom scares me. She scares me. I’m okay with cursing, even I do it, but whenever my mom does it scares me. Most of the time when I was younger she would hit me, and throw me and punch me but she never left bruises, and even when I did bruise it was on places people shouldn’t see in the first place. Even the teachers who would spank me didn’t even notice them. Recently I had been the most depressed I had ever been, I cut, but I hate that type of pain so I wouldn’t really bleed. I lashed out on people, but the last thing I want people to think of me is that I’m violent like my mother. At the beginning of the year we got into an argument, she slapped me really hard and yelled at me while she backed me up into the corner of the pantry and she slapped me again and choked me against the wall. I haven’t felt the same since. I feel abused even at this age, and to feel like that makes me feel worthless and helpless. If I tried to confront her, nothing would ever be the same. Even if it would get better, that’s too much time to leave me by myself with thoughts. I don’t want to die, but every once in a while I’ll do something rash and out of character. If I move with my dad I’ll do something crazy and our relationship is already hard to understand. I don’t know what to do. It’s like letting yourself get hit and resist the pain and just let it sink in like a brick to your cheek. It’s just a matter of time, I don’t know what will come first and I don’t know my options. Maybe I could just run away to China and never come back.
HELP YOURSELF:
- Thank you for trusting the TeenCentral community with your story! Even though you feel like you don’t know what to do, you took a HUGE step in reaching out to us for help. Enduring any kind of abuse is not okay and can be extremely scary. You are very BRAVE to seek advice and put yourself out there. We hope that you can find the help and support you need here at TeenCentral. You are not alone in this!
- If you ever feel like you are in any kind of unsafe situation where you need immediate assistance, please go to our “Help” tab where you can find multiple hotlines that you can call or text 24/7. Your safety is the #1 priority. Save these numbers where you can access them any time you may need. In addition to these hotlines, we have other resources on TeenCentral that may be beneficial. Under the “Learn” tab we have information on subjects like Anger Management. There’s also a “Tools” tab where you can create a support plan to help you through the tough times.
- It seems like you may have a difficult / complicated relationship with both parents. Is there another trusted family member, community member or professional you can confide in? Sharing your story and feelings with these individuals may help you clarify what your options are and help you feel better in the meantime.
CONSIDER THIS:
- Many times when someone is going through tough times and doesn’t know what to do, things like journaling can be quite helpful. Taking the time to write down our thoughts and emotions can provide a positive outlet and help sort out why we may be feeling a certain way. You mentioned feeling worthless and helpless after an argument / incident with your mother. Perhaps you can explore why you think it made you feel this way. Sometimes making that connection is a big step towards understanding and healing.
- When going through struggles, especially with people close to you and for long periods of time, it can be easy to get stuck and feel like nothing is ok and you can’t do anything to fix it. During these times, it’s important to hold onto the things that do make you happy, no matter how small they may be. What are the things you enjoy doing? Who are the people who care about you that you can spend time with? You may not be able to physically spend time with people if you are still quarantining but that doesn’t mean you have to lose all connection.
- Maintaining connections for support is really important but so is taking time to focus on yourself. You expressed concern over your anger as well as some of your other thoughts and actions. This is normal, especially when we are going through stress. What are some things you can do to care for yourself? Things like spending time outside, exercising, doing arts and crafts can help you work through the things you are feeling and keep you busy. Also, think about where you want to see yourself in a few years and start setting small goals to get you there, one step at a time. You can do it!
