My mom wants to help pay my tuition. It seems like a no-brainer to say yes, but I don’t even know her financial situation. I’d feel uncomfortable taking from her if she can’t afford it. I’m also an adult now, and I promised myself when I she was sickly and a single immigrant mother and her best was never enough. I was still homeless for years, abused, and placed in group homes, and at times as a youth. I’ve worked so hard this past year to be accountable for my life. It’s only two thousand dollars, and she wants to pay half of it, but I can pay it. I’m so emotional and I’m being stupid and emotional, and she’s insisting on it, but I don’t know. Part of me feels like this is going to put some expectation on me. To talk to her more, to appreciate her more. She’s the nicest person in the world, but I maintain that her laziness ruined my life as a child. I take full responsibility of my life as an adult, and I have worked to find my own happiness and support systems — at school, at work, with my boyfriend, with his parents. My mother and I get along, but I can only handle her in short bursts. As a child that was never a problem since she was barely around, and as an adult I choose to not be around her. Still, there is this cognitive dissonance that really started in college. Part of me knows that she’s better able to take care of herself now that she doesn’t have to try to take care of me, which makes me feel like a burden. Part of me is mad that she couldn’t get her life together when I was a child. Part of me is embarrassed because my boyfriend thinks my mom is the sweetest person, and she is, but I just can’t stand her half of the time. Part of me loves her with my whole heart because she’s the purest person ever, and I know she has loans and responsibilities and I also don’t want to burden her. Then there’s this bigger thought in my mind that, maybe this is enough. Maybe what she is doing now is enough. She cooks great meals, and does my hair, and now she wants to give me money, and that’s more than enough for a parent to do. Most parents don’t do that for their college-aged children. Though, to me I don’t know if it’s ever going to be enough, because I was so severely neglected as a child. And I feel as if I overcame so much, but at such a high cost to my mental health. I’m never going to be ok. Nothing is ever going to enough, but I fear that maybe that’s my fault instead of hers. And I don’t know if I can handle that. I dunno. I’m crying so much, and I don’t know why I’m so sad. What should I do? Why am I feeling this way?
You made the first step by expressing your feelings to the TC community. Don’t underestimate yourself, it sounds like you are a very strong person. Let’s look at what you can do to help yourself out.
HELP YOURSELF:
- It sounds like you’re really feeling a roller coaster of emotions. Getting your thoughts down, either by talking to someone or writing, is a good way to start exploring how you feel about situations.
- Is there someone in your life that you feel comfortable talking about things with? What about your boyfriend, a pastor, counselor, close relative, or friend? It may help to get someone else’s opinion about your feelings. Even better if it’s someone who knows you well and maybe has an idea of what you’re going through.
- Take a look at the TC website. There are a lot of tools that could help, even though you are now a young adult. You may want to practice deep breathing, mindfulness or expressing yourself through art to help with the stress and anxiety you are feeling. When we are able to be calmer, we can think more logically and work through our problems. When we’re overwhelmed and stressed, our brains just can’t do it.
- Check out the TOOLS section for Making Hard Decisions. This resource may help you navigate your complex feelings.
CONSIDER THIS:
- It sounds like your mom is looking for a way to help and support you as you go through college. If accepting her money feels too uncomfortable, is there something else she could do for you that would feel important and more acceptable? It would be an easier conversation with your mom if you could ask her to help in a different way rather than just rejecting her offer.
- Make sure you are taking care of yourself. Self-care is important!! Get outside, go for a brisk walk or run for 30 minutes. Take time to do some deep breathing. Don’t hold in all the anxiety and negative feelings you’re dealing with right now. Find what works for you when your upset.
- Do you have the ability to talk to a counselor? You have a lot going on and a counselor can help you develop a way to start navigating your feelings and what to do next.
- Be compassionate to yourself. You are taking the right steps to find the answers you need. Keep up the good work!!
