Hi teen central. I am writing here because I am really super stressed right now. Honestly, sometimes it feels like I’m just making things up, exaggerating, pretending I’m something I’m not. Like, pretending Im super stressed. I have this thing that I do, and at first it didn’t seem so bad, but now it may be unhealthy. I kind of pretend I’m acting in a movie/show. It makes life more exciting, but I think it’s getting kind of unhealthy now. AHH!!! I just feel so ambivalent I guess. I feel torn. Uneasy. Upset. Confused with the world around me and the people in it. Did that sound poetic? Uh, now I feel like I’m just making up a story. Why do I feel this way? I’m scared of the world around me. Not that I’m in any danger or anything, lots of people would actually wish to have the life I have. I’m just scared with everything I know. The world is going backwards. Each day it’s more and more scary to be a womxn. Roe v. Wade getting overturned and everything. I have mixed opinions on abortion really, and that’s coming from a biological womxn. At first, when it was legal in most states, I felt that abortion was horrible, because it was, basically, killing a baby. But now, that Roe. v. Wade was overturned, I feel violated even though nothing’s been done to me. Is this weird? Maybe I’m making stuff up again. I don’t know. It’s nice to talk about all the messed up things happening. It’s freeing, really. Talking about this. Because it makes me feel like maybe what I say is important, and that freedom feels both good, and scary. Well, I don’t know, it’s like people I don’t even know are choosing my body, and deciding FOR ME what I choose to do. I hate that. It’s not their body. It’s ours. Also, I recently found out about “Fifty Shades Of Grey.” Well, I always knew it existed, but I never knew that story. I do now. And let me just say it’s absolutely disgusting how this society permits doing these things to womxn. How we put these things at an acceptable standard. This is horrible, and should never ever ever be a thing. I hate this movie so much, and even though I’ve never watched it I’ve watched the trailer and a few clips, but that’s enough for me. I feel kind of bad writing this about the movie, because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or anything. That’s probably that last thing I’d want, for someone to see this and to get sad over what I’ve written. It’s my personal opinion, I hope others don’t take it so seriously. I did some research, which I regret sort of, and it’s kind of sad what I found out. I found out there’s this thing called BDSM, and let me just say I will probably stay away from relationships at all cost now. Not that I’m ready, I’m still young, and honestly I know I am definitely not ready to be in a relationship right now. It just makes me feel so violated, even though nothing’s been done to me! Is that weird? Like, I just want to curl up in a little ball, and never let anyone touch me ever. It’s scary. Things are scary. I wish things weren’t like this. I don’t know. I know the people around me(family) love me and all, but I’m kind of used to not telling them everything. I used to. And while that was freeing for me, it was distressing for them, which is understandable. I’ve tried to control myself and stay balanced, I guess. Mostly, that means plunging myself into books and writing. That, or binge-watching youtube the entire night. I’m sorry. I feel the need to say that. I guess this is what I meant with the freedom I have writing this. It feels good, but I’m kind of used to just not really telling things so much,(I still do, it’s not like I can’t or anything. My parents are pretty understanding.)and trying to focus my attention on other things to keep my mind off my mind. It kind of feels like I shouldn’t write this, shouldn’t write that, because I worry if I will make someone hurt if they read this. Well, then they’ll know how I really feel. I feel like adults hold all the cards. I don’t know, I’m probably just saying that because I’m a teen and I’m angsty and I’m just mad for no reason. Angsty teen. Angsty teen. Angsty teen. Angsty teen. I don’t know why I wrote that so many times. It felt right. It kind of just feels like I don’t know. I know I’m allowed to have my own opinions, but it kind of makes me feel like I should let other people’s opinions’ drown out mine. Is it wrong to have thoughts like this? To have a life so outwardly amazing, with people who care about you, and be literally dying inside? Not that I’ve had the perfect life. My life isn’t perfect, but I know it’s a life that is pretty great. I don’t know. I’m so ambivalent. There is a big difference between how people think I am and who I really am. What people say my life is, and what I know it is. I don’t know. It just feels like I shouldn’t be complaining because my life is pretty great. My parents’ work hard and stuff, they care about us, feed us, and I honestly have a pretty nice life. Not to say that my parents don’t get on my nerve. Because they do. It just feels like I can’t say anything bad about them. I feel things, and think things, but just because I don’t say them doesn’t mean I don’t have them. I don’t know, that last sentence was probably complicated to explain. What I guess I mean is that I don’t want to inflict any more pain on my parents. They don’t go out and say things that might hurt me about me, even if they are annoyed at me. They don’t tell other people what annoys them about me. They just say good things about me. And, it’s like, I feel like I’m brainwashing myself. I don’t know. Being passive, and just letting others’ opinions on my life and how I feel overpower me, and that’s the last things I’d want. I want to have my own opinions, be an independent individual with their own thoughts. I don’t know. I’m sorry. If anyone of my family reads this, I’d probably be pretty disappointed in myself. I don’t know. I don’t want this to be something I regret later on, but it probably will. I also don’t want to put my feelings on the back burner any longer, because I woke up with so much anxiety this morning I was like, “What do I even do?” Ok. Maybe exaggerated. I want to get the help I need. Become someone good. Be positively myself. I want the help I need. Do I even need help? Sometimes I feel like I want all the mental-illnesses in the world, because it’s “cool” to “not be okay.” I don’t know!! I’m just weird. I’m confused, conflicted, sad, angry, worried, anxious, and I would really like someone to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I just don’t want the shame I feel, and the guilt. I feel guilty for what I am saying, and shameful for being this way. I really just want help. I’m not ready to go out into this big scary world. I’ve created a small comfort-bubble in my house. I just want the help I need. Why do I feel this way? I just want answers to all of my questions.
Thanks teen central.
Help Yourself:
Thank you for reaching out to TeenCentral! We will certainly do our best to answer your questions.
You talk about how you have a nice life and how hard your parents work and provide for your family, have you ever talked to them about some of these topics that weigh heavy on you? These questions and concerns you have been nothing bad and it is normal to be curious and want to better understand.
Do you have close friends or older siblings/cousins? How about a schoolteacher/coach or member of your community that you feel comfortable with and can talk to about some (if not all) of these things? If you do take this time to work through maybe what you would say with your parents to start this conversation. You could even process through this with these trusted adults and friends and they may be able to give you some pointers on how to start the conversation or just process through what you are thinking and feeling.
Consider This:
It seems like you have a lot of imagination and energy! You speak about acting like in a movie/show and even exaggerating stories and situations. Where that may seem confusing and troubling that may actually be you being a good storyteller! Good storytellers often have similar characteristics. Now it is about harnessing that and using your power for good entertainment!
Do you write? You should write these ideas down! You may end up creating amazing short stories/books and who knows maybe even develop a series or movie/show later in life. Documenting these ideas is a wonderful way to keep everything where you need them to be so that they do not get away from you and will help you to keep reality separate from fantasy.
Do you find yourself with a lot of spare time on your hands? Use that time to harness your power! Write, create, express, and perfect these stories! How about art? Drawing, painting, or even coloring? These are great ways to fill time, but you can also use these skills to help create characters for your stories.
If you find yourself not able to be creative with writing/art, then go outside during this amazing season and explore, walk/hike, and observe. Fresh air helps to clear and focus the mind. Your environment can serve as your inspiration as well as what calms and centers you.
Remember that TeenCentral is here for you! If you find yourself being stuck in your thoughts and unable to go outside to help clear and inspire your mind, take time to explore our website. Check out the blog entries in our “What’s New” section and Tools & Resources under our Tools tab such as Yoga Journal, Stretch Yoga Pose, and Goal Dreamcatcher.
