hi. I’ve written to you about 5 times now. I am 11 and i wrote the stories about being home schooled and lonely…

Now my grandfather passed away a week ago and my life has been messed up. He died in hospital and I never got to say goodbye . The stupid NHS people could have at least let us call him . I hate them for that. I also feel so guilty because I should have spent more time with him. he was the only family member who really loved me, apart from my immediate family.

Also I have NO friends and I’m not exaggerating. The only people I talk to are my cousin and my sisters. that’s it. Now with the lock down I have no one . And my parents are the religious type who think guys go to hell and all that. Oh and not to mention I think I’m bi(sexual), or gonna be, when I’m older at least.

I have these days when i stay up at night. I often steal my mom’s phone because it distracts me and doesn’t make me think about my life is much. If not I’m just crying all night . I stayed up all night today. Also when I went online to research about my mental illness because I wanted to know if it was normal… I had all the symptoms of depression.

I am embarrassed to say this but, I fell like I want to die. I don’t want this world anymore,this life. I am a different person. I don’t eat I don’t sleep. I cry and kick the walls and my parents only know the half of it. Is it wrong to say I wish it was me who died instead? And do I have depression,or am I making it all up in my head?

HELP YOURSELF

• For what it’s worth, thank you for continuing to return to TeenCentral and telling us your stories about the struggles of life. I hope that some of the resources here have been helpful to you from time to time. Also, thank you for sharing your story with the community of story writers who have similar life struggles as you – because when you share, and they see what you are going through it reduces everyone’s isolation. Everyone sees that they are less alone in the struggle of life. So, thank you for that contribution.
• You mentioned that you feel like you want to die – and we take those kinds of statements very seriously. You should never be embarrassed to share something like that. Instead – feel brave, because it takes a tremendous amount of courage to admit those kinds of thoughts and feelings. So if we’ve never given you these resources before please save them in your phone now. And if we have – then please just take this as a reminder. The Crisis Textline is available 24/7. Just Text “HELLO” to 741741 and start a text conversation. If you are ever feeling unsafe or like you really might take steps towards ending your life please text that number. Put it in your phone. If you’d rather talk to someone, then call the Suicide Hotline which is also available 24/7 – just call 1-800-273-8255. Again, put the number in your phone so you have it.
• Dealing with the loss of your grandfather is going to be difficult. It will take a while to process through the many feelings you have about that. The experience of losing him was different than what might we normally experience because of the pandemic situation, so that makes things even more complicated. On the TeenCentral website under the LEARN tab there is a section on Grief and Loss. Please take a look at that section. There are many great resources there for you that may be helpful during this time.
• The feelings of isolation are a major concern for people who feel depressed. That’s why it is SO IMPORTANT to reach out and connect to the people who you DO have relationships with – like your cousin and sisters. I don’t know the ages of these family members so I can’t say how easy it may be to talk and connect with them, but please stay connected with them. It will be helpful.

CONSIDER THIS

• At your age you are starting to think a lot about who you are as a person. This includes many aspects of your being including your sexuality, what you want out of life and relationships, what you want to do with your future, etc. Have you thought much about this recently? How do you imagine your future self? How do you see your future self if you were able to get through the current life struggles you are facing? If you like to write or draw, this would be a great writing or drawing project.
• How much time do you spend outside every day? With the Stay-At-Home order it can be easy to forget to leave the house, but no one said you can’t sit on the porch or at least take a short walk. I’m not telling you to do strenuous exercise if that’s not your thing. It’s just that sunlight is really important for people who suffer from depression. You should be outside for at least 30 minutes a day – minimum – even if it’s just sitting in a chair soaking it in.
• It’s concerning that you are not sleeping well. When your sleep-wake schedule is completely disrupted that can have an extremely negative effect on your mood. It can make your depression worse. And since I see you are a researcher, I encourage you to look up something called “Circadian rhythms,” which are physical, mental, and behavioral changes that follow a daily cycle. They respond primarily to light and darkness in an organism’s environment. Sleeping at night and being awake during the day is an example of a light-related circadian rhythm.” [National Institute of General Medial Science] Check it out and see what you find!