Hi again for the millionth time. I’m not ready to start school. I don’t mind the learning part, I actually like it, but the environment is SO toxic. I didn’t finish school last year because of my multiple hospitalizations from attempts, and I’m getting more and more suicidal again. I had to call the hotline 2 days in a row this week. I’m seeing a therapist. 2 actually. I just don’t want school to come. On top of that my best friend died in April and I’m in an abusive situation. My family’s been abused by my dad ever since I can remember. It’s just hard. There’s a lot going on. I’m not ready for life.
So as I said, I don’t want to go back to school. I don’t want to go back to anywhere honestly. And I’m scared I’m going to start cutting again when the weather gets colder. I already have too many scars. My therapist thinks I’m developing bipolar disorder. I just need to vent. I’m just kinda done. I’m not sure I’m suicidal, I just don’t wanna do life anymore. Life is just overly overwhelming. And I go to a religious private school and I’m gay and I almost got expelled twice because you can’t go to school there if you’re lgbtq+…. But the thing is I know many people in my school who are gay too. Anyways, I just really don’t want to have to deal with eating lunch alone, hiding in bathrooms, being monitored by teachers about my whereabouts. I tried to strangle myself with the shower head cord in the locker room last year so I’m not supposed to go anywhere alone. Also I’m kinda scared because some of my so called friends saw me writing on here and looked up the website and read all of it and laughed. On the topic of friends, I only have one. She doesn’t go to my school. I barely get to see her. Anyways my school now has set times I’m allowed to go to the guidance counselor which is so freaking stupid. For me specifically because I can’t stay in classes long enough without freaking out and crying, then the teachers will drag me from her office back into class while I have tears streaming down my face, but I was in a crisis last year and skipped classes, so I’m not allowed to be alone because of the shower incident in the locker room. They were also concerned about the abuse but didn’t do anything about it. You can’t anyways- me and my family just got used to it, if you know what I mean. Don’t give me hotlines, we’ve tried that. Cps doesn’t help either because he won’t do anything while they’re there. See, my life is kinda hopelessly messy right now. I don’t know.
Help Yourself
- School is a very difficult time for many teens- you’re not alone in this. The stress of classes, grades, fitting in, etc. can seem overwhelming to the most confident individuals, much less those who struggle with their own insecurities.
- You said that you already have a therapist. Other than your family, this would be an ideal person to discuss your concerns with. They can help you prepare yourself for returning to school, as well as discuss your options for navigating the year ahead, one day at a time.
- You may want to discuss how often you’re meeting with your therapist and discuss whether it may be beneficial to meet more often while school is in session.
- We know that you stated that you didn’t want hotlines, but as an informative page that gives resources we request you take a look at the blog “getting help for abuse on your own ” . This provides you with ways to make reports and steps to take. While you may think that CYS are not doing anything it is important for them to know what is going on. It is never ok for someone to hurt you or anyone else. Please contact authorities and keep yourself safe.
Consider This
- Have you considered talking with your friend and setting up a set day/time each week or so to meet and talk? Having something scheduled may help when you’re feeling down, and it can give you something definite to look forward to.
- Have you tried asking for a meeting in the beginning of school with your guidance counselor to discuss the expectations for this year? You had a protocol in the past, however it may be different this year. This would be a good opportunity to discuss what worked/ didn’t work last year and put a plan in place proactively.
- Do you have activities/ hobbies in your life that you can use when you start to feel stressed? Art, Music, Books, Sports- anything that can help you get out some extra energy, or help you through a time you’re not feeling like yourself. Depending on where you use these, you may find other people who have similar interests as well.
- Remember- you are not alone in this. Many people have a hard time returning to school. Keep your head up and look around you to find those good things that are always there, somewhere in the background.
