I really have no idea what to do. Ever since around December I think, I feel just off. This nagging monster inside of me is constantly killing me, and I try to tell myself to not listen to it but it’s always there. Almost every night, I cry myself to sleep, and at some point I rose above the sadness, but then my happiness comes crashing down.
I was raised by a single mom, who really tries her best to support both of us. But of course, it’s hard, because she has to make the money that two parents would normally make, in order to help both of us lead a healthy life. We have no financial issues, even though she is constantly stressed out about work, and housework. What really bugs me is that she takes out all her anger on me. For example, today, a client annoyed her, and after she hung up the call, she came out of her office and started yelling at ME to clean up, because the living room was a mess. I was just quietly doing my math for school, and she started yelling at me because the room was messy. Well okay mom, I’m doing math, right now, I was going to clean up after I finish.
I think I have depression. I have these morbid, intruding, thoughts constantly creeping into my head, and I don’t even value my life anymore. I definetely don’t want to die, but I don’t really feel like living.
What I need help with is how to overcome this rough patch in my life, and value it. I cannot keep living like this.
I have a wonderful home. I have food. I have water. I have a lovely dog. Why am I like this? Am I simply ungrateful for my blessings?
I was reading a book, and one of the characters said, “You need a reason to be sad. You don’t need a reason to be happy.” That sentence absolutely crumpled and crippled me. How dare the author? I told myself. Right then and there, I wanted to scream. You have no idea how badly I wanted to tear that book to shreds and scream till my throat burned. My blood was boiling.
But anger issues is not my problem. The sadness and confusion is. I have a secret, and if I told my mom she would 100% support me. But I don’t want to get people involved, even if they will be helpful. I am utterly confused about my sexuality. I had a crush on boys up to 5th grade. But in my class there was a girl. I liked her. The feeling passed quickly, only a couple of days. But I had liked her, as more than a friend. I thought I was bisexual, being attracted to boys and girls.
But of course, my life isn’t as simple as that. A few months later, I befriended another girl. My God, I loved her. I. Loved. Her. She was on my mind 24/7, and I was constantly trying to approach her in class. I was a lesbian, I knew it, I knew it. Nope. By the time I got her number, I was over her. I tried long enough, but she pushed me away, us only being very distant friends. In a way, I’ll always love her. But I’ve moved on. Aaaand, I had a crush on a boy again. Was I abrosexual, bisexual, straight, lesbian? Only God can answer that.
Thank you so much for taking your time to read this <33
HELP YOURSELF:
- Thank you for sharing your story with the Teen Central community! Wondering if you may have depression could be difficult, confusing, and yes, even scary. Being able to take the first steps of sharing these feelings and talking about it shows your strength!
- There’s lots of people out there ready to listen and talk 24/7! Depression can sometimes become very overwhelming, so if you ever find yourself feeling more hopeless or alone, please call 1-800-273-8255 or text HELLO to 741741. There’s also help out there if you want to talk more about your sexuality and the confusion you’re working through – the Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender National Help Center is available by calling 1-800-246-PRIDE (7743) or http://www.glbthotline.org/youth-talkline.html.
- Being strong and resourceful is an awesome foundation to help yourself, and connecting with trusted people in your life is another important step in overcoming challenges. It sounds like you know your mom would be supportive about your sexuality if you talked with her, but it also seems like she is not the person you want to talk to yet. Have you considered other people in your life that you can also talk to? A good support system is made up of some different people that you can talk to about different problems. Have you considered who else in your life you could talk about this with – a guidance counselor, trusted friends, friends parents, neighbors, spiritual leaders?
CONSIDER THIS:
- Using your resources to help gain understanding is a great skill to have. Knowledge is powerful! Take some time and check out the resources on Teen Central. In the LEARN section we have information about DEPRESSION and ANXIETY, along with SEXUALITY that may give you some of the information you’re looking for.
- Click on the “Stories” tab to read entries from others and the responses they received from our counselors. You may find suggestions that also feel helpful for you or a story from someone that reminds you you’re not alone.
- Have you tried talking with your mom about how much stress you’re both clearly feeling? Maybe if you tried talking the problem through you could come up with a solution. Check out our DAILY TASK CHART that would make it a little more clear what needs to get done to take care of your home without the fighting and frustration. If talking feels too much right now, maybe write her a letter and ask her to read it to explain how you feel and get the conversation started. Chances are, you’re both feeling the pressure of work and school and would find you could help each other get through this.
- It’s also important to practice good self-care to help work through any symptoms of depression you may be feeling or just to help you feel better in times of difficulty or stress. Things like art, movement, or just simply being outside can all have tremendous benefits. Exercise can be a natural mood booster and daily habits like eating well and getting enough sleep help keep your body and mind in shape. Surrounding yourself with things that provide comfort is also important – keeping a comfy blanket, your favorite movie or music playlist, or other positive healthy things to help you relax when you aren’t feeling good. Check out our WELLNESS section in LEARN, some of the TOOLS and information about sleep in our WHAT’S NEW section. You’ve taken some of the hardest steps already, you can keep moving forward!
