It was a song we used to listen to. It was called She by Dodie. It was about a girl who was describing what it felt like to fall in love with a girl who didn’t love her back. Then there was a song after she started dating that girl. There was a song about coming out as bi. Then there was a song about the girl and her breakup. The perfect Dodie discography. It was like it was meant to be our life. We loved her music. We shared our first time together listening to it.
When I say she meant everything to me I mean every pain and every joy. She was the one who made me feel like I belonged and calmed the anxiety in me. She was the one who could make me feel fat with a “you’re going to eat that” or a “I love you like that” when I called myself fat. She was a walking pity party with all the life problems, which was cool at first, but after awhile it became a serenade of her being sad that her life sucks and being great at everything and making me feel bad for not accomplishing more because my anxiety is not a real issue apparently. My parents acted that way and she acted that way, and I was afraid of coming out to them and that they wouldn’t love me, but I never imagined having to worry that they’d love her more than me. On top of that she repeatedly cheated on me. Not only cheating, but with a best friend of hers and a step-relative of mine.
She’s probably less mean and admittedly has done some really cool things with her life, and sometimes she messages me out of nowhere begging to get back together (even though she always mentions that she has a boyfriend in those weird messages). Last night, we reconnected. We’re adults now. It’s been 6 years. I’m leaving my teens in a month and she is already 20. Though last night I felt as excited as I did as a teen. However, I did not get any form of apology. I basically got told how great she is and was low-key shamed for not being a more impressive teenager. It’s kind of ridiculous. She’s hooked up with so many people too. It’s intimidating and sad and maddening. I’m embarrassed and proud that I’ve been choosier. She also currently has a boyfriend, but would dump him for me in a heartbeat. She used to improve my life. She’s so driven. She’s bad at making friends and hates her family which made her clingy in a way that made me feel safe. I know she said she has used you before and has no doubt probably written about me so since I am really bored I thought I’ll write about her. Not sure if I should give it a chance, but what have I got to lose?
HELP YOURSELF:
- It is helpful to express your feelings and it seems like you have been holding on to some of these feeling for some time. It is sometimes difficult to share your personal thoughts and feelings with others. Thank you for trusting Teen Central and sharing your story.
- There is a lot of helpful information on TeenCentral just waiting for you to explore. Many others have stories with some of the same trials. Take a look at other stories to see how others coped. Under the “Learn” tab there is helpful information on “Relationships” which may be useful as well.
- Do you have someone you can trust to talk to? Maybe a close friend, neighbor, or family member. It is helpful to discuss your thoughts and feelings to make sound decisions on how to move forward.
CONSIDER THIS:
- Keeping your emotions hidden inside may not be helpful, and can cause them to build up over time. In addition to talking to someone you trust, try to compile your thoughts and feelings; journaling is useful tool to express those feelings. Try writing down the pros and cons to reinitiating a relationship with this person. How did you feel in and out of the relationship? What does your life look like with and without her? Include all of your feelings, the positive and negative. Not only can this help you make decisions for the future, it could also be a beneficial resource if you decide to have a conversation with this person.
- It is important to be happy within yourself. When is the last time you really felt happy with yourself? What people in your life bring you joy? What activities make you feel excited? Surround yourself with people and activities that bring you joy rather than negativity. As you build yourself up, your confidence will grow, and your self-doubt may diminish naturally.
- Feeling at peace can clear our mind to make sound choices. Have you ever tried yoga or relaxation techniques? Look under the TOOLS tab for “Sun Salutation”. Try this technique prior to journaling or other word-based processing, as it will help to center and ground you, and clear your mind.
