I wrote about this in here last year when my mom was invited to a wedding where the boys would be. I was thinking about the weird three/four some I had as a junior with a bunch of senior Burmese boys, that was completely unplanned and totally intimidating. How I had this reputation at my school where I was already the poor black kid, at a 90% white school and now the slut. And I still feel like I was wronged by the whole school in some way and especially the boys.
I hate this town and I’m trying so hard to get signed with a modeling agency in California or get a big marketing job in New York and move away, but it seems like the big opportunities come to kids whose parents already had big opportunities. It’s funny like that, I guess. In regards to the wedding I acted sick and got out of it because of covid, so I didn’t have to see these guys. Except…until today. One of them goes to my college. I walked by him and wasn’t sure if it was him, so I said his name when I had walked a few feet past him, and this boy said, “yeah, who are you?” What the fuck? Like how do you not remember me. I honestly felt like I was going insane. Then I thought to myself. What kind of person does that and doesn’t remember someone. Like I almost choked on him. I’m so mad and I feel so disrespected and slutty and like I don’t matter.
And I wasn’t depressed last year, or even the year before, but I’m starting to feel some kind of way. And college sucks. And everyone looks down on me, and it’s so fucking unfair and I hate that he goes here and I hope he’s not in my program. And I don’t know I’m feeling some kind of way. I’m mostly indignant, like how does he not remember me? How does he not remember what he did to me? And I wonder if he does that a lot or what, but like the more I think about it the more predatory it felt. Like maybe it wasn’t my fault for being a slut, but maybe he picked me because I had a reputation, which was maybe because people looked down on me for things outside my control. And I’m mad about that, because maybe he does that to other girls and I dunno. I’m just angry.
HELP YOURSELF:
- Thank you for reaching out to Teen Central again! We’re glad continue to trust in the Teen Central community for support as you work through your feelings regarding a difficult experience.
- It sounds like seeing this boy at college stirred up a lot of tough thoughts and feelings for you, especially since he didn’t seem to know who you were after such an intimate event. Feeling unseen or unheard can sometimes lead to feeling lonely, or can effect how we feel about ourselves. If you ever find that you are feeling alone, or any feelings of embarrassment or shame are becoming overwhelming, please know there is help out there (besides our support!). You can always call 1-800-273-8255 or text HELLO to 741741 if you feel like you’d like to have a conversation with immediate responses.
- Do you have anyone that you can talk that you trust? Besides family and friends, most every college has a student support program that you could go to and talk with someone. College is overwhelming enough, but add on the surprise of seeing this guy and it seems like a good idea to reach out and talk about it with someone. Being angry is ok – everyone has a right to their feelings, but knowing how to handle it safely is the key. We want you to be safe!
WHEN YOU’RE READY:
- It’s normal to struggle with sexuality as you become a young adult. As you learn about what’s safe and healthy for you, and what you want out of sexual encounters, you may think back on past decisions and regret some choices. You’re not alone. We can’t undo decisions we made, but we can move forward with better knowledge, and make decisions that are more in line with what we believe and helps us feel good about ourselves. This is not easy when others pressure you. Take a moment to check out the SEXUALITY section of LEARN for some tips about healthy and unhealthy relationships that may help you figure out what’s important to you.
- You mentioned that at college “everyone looks down on me.” Have you considered if there’s something else that’s bothering you other than seeing this guy? Sometimes when we are stuffing something (or things) down and avoiding dealing with them, it can take just one more stress to unleash everything – which can easily make us feel overwhelmed. Would you consider journaling to get some of your thoughts out? Check out “Journaling to Cope with Stress” in the WHAT’S NEW section for some ideas. If you are more interested in expressing yourself through art rather than writing, there is another blog about using Art to Cope with Stress as well.
- Change is always tough, for everyone. And moving from high school to college is a HUGE change. Don’t overlook the need to take care of yourself as you adjust to this next chapter of your life. Purposefully look for ways to get active in things you like to do, and consider doing something every day, even if it’s just for 10 minutes, that is devoted to you taking care of you. Check out our WELLNESS section in LEARN for some ideas, as well as TOOLS about using YOGA, EXERCISE, EATING WELL and other resources.
