Hi. My story is messy and confusing, but I’ll try to summarize it as best as possible. My parents aren’t together and have never married. My dad is in Mexico and I’m with my mom in the U.S. All my life she has claimed that he cheated on her while she was pregnant with me. This made me want to dislike my dad for a long time. We’re talking about years. Recently, last summer, I went to Mexico and saw my dad. He cried when he saw me but I didn’t; I didn’t know how to react. During those two months he told me “the truth” or his side of the story. And it’s all so confusing. He basically said that he didn’t cheat, but there were problems between my mom and dad. I just don’t understand what to do because I don’t know who is right, and basically have a struggling relationship with both. My mom doesn’t even like that I communicate with my dad over text since we can’t see each other. She always talks about how he’s a bad father and always says the worst things about him. But, her mother isn’t any better. In fact she was worse than my dad. But she doesn’t let me say that; she just gets more angry and yells. I’ve been confused and lied to my whole life and as I get older I get more frustrated with everything. This has made my relationships with my parents hard. My mom also compares her husband to my dad. Yes, he has helped our family. But it’s not the same. He shows no love towards me or my middle sister, only to his daughter who is 5 years old. Him and I have a bad relationship, always arguing and yelling. I always fight back for what I say and believe in, but he never gives reasons to why he says or thinks a certain way. I’m just tired of it. Any ways on how to have a better relationship with an absent father and a mother who has lied to you your whole life? Thank you for listening and thank you to those who reply. Have a great day!
CONSIDER THIS:
- Not being able to have a healthy relationship with your parents can make you feel alone and frustrated. You are strong for tolerating their bad behavior towards you even though you deserve better than this.
- It’s a fact that your parents shouldn’t lie to you or not visit you often enough. Every child deserves unconditional love from two responsible, selfless adults. The problem is that parents make mistakes just like everyone else. You shouldn’t be forced to suffer for this, but you can try to find meaning from the whole thing. No one’s life is perfect and this can be a good thing if you become a stronger person from it. You can read inspiring books about people who’ve overcome issues like poverty, disabilities and many others to help you turn your own situation around.
- It’s unfortunate if your parents try to blame each other for their faults and place you in the middle. You’re a kid and shouldn’t be forced to hear the lies and everything else. No matter who’s to blame, they’re both in the wrong because they don’t belong together. You can try forgiving both of your parents for their immature behavior towards you. Your dad cheated on your mom but is this worth not talking to him anymore? You might want to reconsider the fact that your dad cried when he saw you because maybe he loves you, genuinely missed you and wants a relationship with you. You have the right to speak to your dad if you want to and don’t need to let your mom stop you. People who lie have proven they can’t be trusted and need to learn to earn your trust back.
- You can try talking to your parents about what bothers you. Keep in mind that their immaturity might make it impossible to fix the real problem. You might want to kindly suggest to your parents that they see a therapist for past issues they haven’t dealt with, so they can learn to have a better relationship with you and love themselves more.
- You’re the kid and your parents may be crossing your boundaries by giving you adult information or telling unnecessary lies. Learning to keep appropriate boundaries is essential to a person’s well-being. This means practicing self care and saying no when you feel like it among other things. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable and won’t stop crossing your boundaries, the best thing to do is to stay away from them as often as you can. You can head to the library, park or maybe your room.
- If you need someone to talk to, you can go to the Teen Central website and click the Help tab to call one of the hotlines. You may also speak to a trusted therapist or school counselor.
- Knowledge is power. Head to the Teen Central website and click the Tools tab to download resources to help you such as 8 Signs of Healthy Relationships and 8 Signs of Unhealthy Relationships.
- Adults need to listen to kids and treat them with the respect they deserve. No adult should be arguing with a kid for no good reason. If someone won’t listen to you, they don’t deserve you. You can be positive by being yourself and only allowing genuine people who care about you as a person into your life.
- You can express your feelings in a healthy way with creative activities like coloring in a coloring book, painting, drawing, creative writing, cooking or playing a musical instrument.
- You can be positive by repeating positive affirmations to yourself on a regular basis. Write down the things you’re grateful for in a daily journal or read inspirational quotes. Stay hopeful in your day-to-day life by always having something to look forward to. Help yourself laugh by reading comics or watching humorous movies.
- Spirituality can help you understand that everything happens for a reason, life is about learning lessons and to accept the things you can’t change. Practicing spiritual techniques like prayer, meditation or yoga can help you focus better, be calmer and have more peace. You can also try attending church to get involved more.
- You can try volunteering to gain meaning in your life and turn your problems into something that helps others. A good counselor genuinely cares about the feelings of others. You may be able to train to become one online or in your area. You can also foster or adopt a pet to give it a loving home. Read to children, plant a native garden to help the environment or write letters to people with depression. Organizations include Habitat for Humanity, American Red Cross, Reading is Fundamental and National Park Service among others. Find an opportunity that fits you by using websites like Volunteermatch.
HELP YOURSELF:
- What are some things you can learn from going through tough times like this?
- In what other ways can you let negative situations make you a stronger person?
- In what ways can you make sure you never get stuck in a negative relationship like your parents did?
- How can maintaining a positive mindset, pursuing your goals and having hobbies help you get away from toxic people and live a more genuine life?
