*The following story contains details of a sexual nature which may be triggering*
This was months ago, but I guess I’m just wondering about it now. I get mad when I think about it, but just in a ‘this guy was an asshole’ sort of way. I’m not super sad about it and my life isn’t super sad either. It wasn’t a big deal, but anyways I’m going to the wedding of a high school friend who is friends with these guys, grew up with them, and is the same ethnicity as them. My mom is invited and I don’t see how I can skip it. Anyways, my friend set me up with one of these [guys]. I had a huge crush on another one of their friends, but he was going away for college and I don’t think he really liked me like that. He wasn’t there when this happened. Anyways, my three-year bae broke up with me and I spent a month sleeping with most of his friends. I model so I’m probably pretty attractive and most of them wanted to be with me. Two of them seriously wanted to date, but it became a huge conflict of interest for one and the other found out about the other guys so, yeah. I don’t know why I did that, but I had gotten so close to so many over time and most of them reminded me of him and yeah, a bit of it was revenge. I realized none of them cared about me way too late and got somewhat of a reputation I guess, but my friend set me up on a date like almost a year ago and here’s what happened. We went out for dinner. We had a great time, then I went back to his apartment and all of his friends were there. It was fine and I talked to some of them. It was awkward because 90% of the time they were speaking their language and looking at me and smiling at me all weird. I didn’t get it, but then the one I went out with tells me we should go to the bedroom, and I was like wait a minute. Your friends are here. He’s like it’s cool. So we go and one starts following us in. I’m telling this guy “your friend’s following us”. I’m a little suspicious. He talks to him in their language and that guy stays back. He starts kissing me, and it’s a little awkward, but fine even though all of his friends are there in the other room. We [engaged in sexual acts] when two of his friends come in. He had three there, but one must’ve left by then. They have a bunch of booze and worst off a camera going. I don’t drink I don’t video this stuff and I don’t like [sexual act] in a room with a bunch of people so it’s super awkward and I’m getting dressed and ready to leave when it escalates. His friends block the door. One tells me he’s never been with a black girl before. The one I went out with, mind you this was our first date, he was all like she’s cool, she’s done this before, she [engages in sexual acts] with everyone. I had not done that before and I don’t [sexual act] with everyone. I’ve [engaged in sexual acts] with a group of friends, but it was individually and I knew all of personally for years. This was not that. Anyways, I said, maybe later. One said, he can’t do later, whatever that meant. The one I went out with took the lead and I just kinda went with it. I said wait a few times, but didn’t say no at all. One tried to make me [engage in several sexual acts] and I said maybe later, but he said “just a little bit” so I said ok and then he pulled my hair, I was wearing a wig that he pulled off which he thought was hilarious and then kept pulling my hair and I lost all control of it which was the first time I’ve done [sexual act] or anything like that before and the other two were just gaping like weirdos. They left after it was over and I spent the night with the boy I went out with. He poured me some cereal made sexual innuendos and talked about his job before getting ready and dropping me off. I wasn’t feeling bad, but I looked at myself in the mirror alot and kept saying, “wow, you just did that. Ok.” I messaged him that I missed him. He read it, but didn’t reply until later and told me, “Hey, it’s kind of gross that you [sexual act] with my friends so I don’t want to see you anymore.” That message is what made me feel so depressed and angry and everything. To be honest I was ok with it until then. I just felt so shitty. Seriously terrible after that, but I got a boyfriend a couple days later. He’s not as great as my ex, but he doesn’t make me unhappy. My home sitch has never been amazing. I really depended on my perfect and beautiful white boyfriend and his perfect family to keep grounded and happy and all that. It was so perfect and everything was supposed to be perfect and I guess I just kind of went off the deep end when he dumped me, but this was not something I even dreamed of doing. I know I was super stupid and irresponsible, but I do feel really angry at the guy I went out with especially for his part in the whole thing, but I’m not seriously depressed or anything. I probably sound like a mess, but I’m otherwise really cool. I get great grades. I’m an awesome athlete with a budding college career planned, and I work at a store and I monetized an online social media account I have a bit ago. I don’t really know why I’m writing this, but I heard about Teen Central a while back and thought why not. Thanks for listening. What are your thoughts?
HELP YOURSELF:
- You are incredibly brave for sharing the details of your story, we’re happy to hear from you here at Teen Central. Reading your story may help others as well, so thank you for coming to us for support.
- Whether or not a label is place on this experience, it is clear there is something not sitting well with you as you are still ruminating on this experience months later. There are a lot of underlying considerations, many of which would be excellent to discuss with a professional. If you click over to the HELP tab, you will find a ton of resources, including the National Sexual Assault Hotline, which is available 24/7. This hotline can help you to connect to your local advocacy group, which is filled with people who are specifically trained to help you to process this experience, and to guide you through your next steps, whatever you decide they are.
- Remember: If you are ever feeling unsafe, or that you are considering hurting yourself, please call 911, and/or go to the nearest emergency room for help!
CONSIDER THIS:
- It sounds like you have a lot of things going for you in life, like getting good grades, being able to monetize your instagram, and having a plan for your college career. These are all things that are adding structure to your life and giving you purpose. If you excel in structured things, try adding a bit of daily self-exploration into that schedule. Have you tried bullet journaling? This style of journaling is a mix of structured and free, and may help you start to dive a little deeper into your thoughts and help you to gain more self-awareness on your thought and decision-making processes.
- You mentioned that your previous partner kept you grounded and happy. What have you done since this relationship ended to keep that feeling of stability? In a daily journal, or even on a note on your phone, make a list of everything that you encounter that makes you feel grounded, happy, and empowered. If you take a moment to write down these important things, you will notice more and more of them popping up in your every day life.
- Do you have anyone in your life that you feel comfortable talking to about this scenario? While seeking a professional outlet would be very helpful, a good first step may be to confide in a trusted peer, adult, coach, religious leader, relative, etc. Talking it out with another person is a great way to begin the process of understanding why we feel a certain way about something that’s happened in the past, and to begin a process of healing, change, or, if necessary, taking legal measures. Try making a list of the people you would trust with this story, and consider how you would bring it up in a conversation. What is the reaction that you’re hoping for? What questions will they ask you, and how would you answer them? Speaking up is difficult, but we can tell you’re resilient and strong by what you’ve shared with us here. It’s your story to tell, if and when you are ready to disclose what happened to you.
