Hi I’ve been here many times before but it’s been a long time since I wrote. I’m 21 now where as then I was 17. I have everything I could ever want. A good job, and apartment l, a car and most of all my kitten. The thing is that I want to be wanted.
For years I get a crush on a man and then find out he’s either single, but talking with someone, married or just doesn’t like women. I don’t know how to feel anymore cause every single time I like someone it never goes how I wanted to. in September 2024 I got my first boyfriend and he turned out to be a massive red flag so we broke up in November due to abuse. I’ve tried so hard my whole entire life to find the one and it seems that my efforts are just going to waste and that I should just give up because nothing good could ever come out of a broken heart which I’ve had one too many times..
Something I just don’t understand is why everything I went through as a kid doesn’t matter now because it means nothing really. When I was seven years old, I was taken into a foster care due to abuse and I’d tell people that now and they’re like oh you just need to get over it. No, I can’t get over it because it’s something that’s scarred me for life and hurt me.
I’m adopted and every time I try to vent to my adopted mother since I’m bipolar, she thinks I’m having an episode and just says ok. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for someone to love me like I need. I’m not saying I’m worth loving to other people. but it hurts that every single time I try I’m gonna be alone my whole life I’m not worthy of anything and I just don’t know what to do anymore because I tried talking to my adopted parents and they don’t care. I tried talking to my friends, and I lose them so now I don’t have friends and I moved to a whole strange state so I have nothing my only brother who cares about me lives all the way in Ohio and the only thing I have left is just nothing. I have nothing. I’m worth nothing. I’m unworthy of being loved. That’s just what God is telling me that’s what the world‘s telling me the whole world is trying to tell me that I’m not worth it and I should just give up
I have everything and nothing at all because the one thing I want most in the world that’s never gonna happen. It’s never gonna happen because for some reason ever since I was born, God has had something against me and he refuses to let me be loved. he refuses to let me grow old with someone or get married or have a family that cares about me he just doesn’t want me to have anything because I can’t have what I need most of the world. I resent him for it because I’m grown up in such a harsh way and I asked for one thing from him and it’s just never gonna happen. It’s never gonna happen on if it never happens then I can never move on from the brokenness I feel i’m not suicidal or anything, but there have been times where I’ve wondered if I did disappear with people actually miss me because sometimes I feel like I’m in the room, but I’m really not sometimes I feel like I’m walking down the hallway, but I’m really not other times I feel like I’m there people see me but they don’t actually cause they look past me i’m just broken and I’m never gonna be fixed because I can’t fix myself. I can’t fix myself I meant to have someone to help me to love me and to let me know everything‘s OK but instead I’m all alone and have to tell myself that every night I have to tell myself I’m OK I just wish my life would change for the better before it eventually ends because someday God’s gonna decide that my day is come and then I’ve lived long enough and I won’t try to stop him when he does again I’m not suicidal. I just know how life works and I hate how life works because life is screwing me over.
Basically, I have a good life, but it’s just me and my cat but in reality it’s just me in a dark corner with absolutely nothing and I’m alone
FIRST THINGS FIRST:
- First, welcome back to TeenCentral. I would like to thank you for having the courage to share your story with this community once again. No matter how many times you have been here, it still takes courage to be vulnerable and share your story.
- Talking to the people you feel are not hearing you is an important first step. Let them know you are struggling with this and would like help. Having an open dialog with them will help show others where you are and what you are experiencing. You will be surprised that usually if you are up front with people and ask for help in a direct way, that they are likely to help you.
- Reach out to your parents again; explain to them how this is making you feel. When your adoptive mother says, “okay”, is she saying that as a way to try to validate you? Sometimes people learn that “script” as a way to validate emotions even though it doesn’t really help.
I know you mentioned you are not suicidal but if that changes, and you should ever start to feel this way, please reach out for help:
National Suicide Hotline
In order to reach the National Suicide Hotline you DIAL or TEXT 988 or CHAT at 988lifeline.org.
Counselors are also available 24/7 DIAL or TEXT 988 or CHAT at 988lifeline.org. from your phone or by visiting their website at www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
CONSIDER THIS:
- Take time to check out the Relationships section under our Learn tab on our website. Here you are provided examples and signs of Healthy Relationships VS Unhealthy Relationships.
- If you navigate to our Tools section of the website, you will find plenty of resources and information about Support Planning, Social Skills, and even guides for Making Hard Decisions.
- I can hear the loneliness in your writing – the confusion. I also hear that you feel God is doing this to you, robbing you of the life you deserve. I’m curious about whether or not you do any writing yourself? Do you journal or create any artistic work? If not, I have to really encourage you to consider this. You seem angry at life, angry at God and I believe that using writing and/or art could help you outlet some of these emotions. It also may help you with some self-discovery. There are some resources on this website that can help you get started if you aren’t already doing these things:
There are also many hotlines available to you on the TeenCentral HELP tab. Read over them because one of them may apply to your situation perfectly – and they respond immediately to you. You feel alone right now but you are not. There are plenty of people you can reach out to for support. You are YOUNG. You have your life before you and there are plenty of opportunities for the right relationship to find you. Have hope.
