Hi. I’m back again. I just need to let some things out. I’ve noticed that lateley I’ve been acting more and more childish and only ever realize it AFTER it happens, as I’m typing this it’s right after I tried too go to sleep but couldn’t because I got a random burst of energy that wouldn’t let me sleep of get comfortable and when my sister and Mom communicated with me I responded like a toddler and even though realizing it while it was happening felt unable to act differently than that. My closest friend make jokes that scare me often, today she said she has rope under her bed and made a joke about hanging herself and was confused when I went quiet. One of my other friends always said things like “come on smile,” and something along the line of it’ll keep his depression at bay? (this one was last year). My other friend also makes jokes like the other and one of my other ones says things, she just sounds so done with life. Last Friday (right now it’s Monday December 13th 10:47) a girl that I’ve liked for a while showed us her cuts and said “I’ve thought about taking all the pills in my bottle and just ending it all so many times” and she didn’t come to school today. God. What if she really did it. Ever since she said that I’ve felt like I have to be near her at all times to make sure she doesn’t do anything stupid. I’m terrified, what if something happened to her?
Another thing that’s bothering me: Everyone in the world seems to be so.. perverted, I hate it so much. Even the most innocent sweet looking people are perverted. It disgusts and scares me. Where ever I go I have two voices in my head, one that’s saying “Don’t worry, there all people just like you, they won’t do anything to you, you’ll be fine” that gives me two seconds of calm then my other voice comes in like “Any second now someone can come over and rape you. Any second now this bus will crash. Any second now someones going to point out all you’re insecurities.” and things like that, then I argue with myself that I’m being irrational and then those two voices argue and argue and argue on a regular basis, I try to do what people say, some people tell me things like the first voice “It’ll be fine” and others say things more like the second “something bad’s gonna happen” I unwillingly try to do what people say and fit in, I’m not sure why, heck even when I was little I wished, I prayed to god to look Mexican, why? Because everyone at my school and in my neighbourhood looked Mexican, and all I could see was my difference, even before anyone said it. On the bus home and too school I feel like everyone’s staring at me thinking “what’s that racist while girl doing here” because I assume the worst. Even my Mom’s side of the family is Mexican.
The world is just.. horrible.. I can go on and one about the bad things in it, the bad people.
TAKE SOME FIRST STEPS:
- Let’s start by taking a big deep breath in and slowly letting it out. Now take a moment to recognize that you are using a coping skills for all of this overwhelming stress – writing about it to Teen Central! Way to go! The hardest part is done!
- You wrote a lot about some of your friends. If at times you or someone you know are ever feeling unsafe or sad and feel like you have no one you can turn to, please reach out to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline. They are available 24 hours a day, you can contact them by calling 1-800-273-8255 or on their website at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org. If you would rather have a text conversation you can contact the crisis help line simply by texting “Hello” to 741741. There is always someone willing and able to help 24 hours a day 7 days a week.
- Have you ever attempted to talk to your parents/guardian about how you feel and the things you are experiencing? How about any other family member or friends? If you feel as though you are not ready to do so perhaps try reaching out to another trusted adult such as a teacher, coach, or counselor.
WHEN YOU’RE READY:
- You mentioned about acting more childish lately, that’s actually a way that some people cope with overwhelming stress – they “go back” or regress, to a time that was safer, simpler, less overwhelming – which is often a much younger age. It’s possible that this is one way that you are responding to all the stress you’re experiencing.
- Please take time to navigate through some of the tabs from our homepage. Our Learn tab offers information regarding Suicide, SIB, Depression, and Wellness including Relaxation and Being Active. The Tools tab includes resources for Depression, Positive Self Talk, Support Plan guide, and even a Weekly Mood Tracker. While you are surfing around our Homepage, feel free to scroll through the blogs in our What’s New tab. These blogs may help you to feel less alone and reassure you that there are others out there that may be experiencing similar situations as you.
- Have you considered keeping a journal to jot down these thoughts and insecurities? If not perhaps give it a try. Journaling can be incredibly therapeutic and is a great coping skill. Getting the thoughts out of your head and on to paper can give you a sense that you don’t have to keep them all inside.
- Do you have any hobbies? Maybe it’s time to learn a new one. Activities like painting, or crocheting/knitting or doing a diamond/gem painting can be very detailed and a good way to get your mind off your stress and focus on something else. Consider also if you haven’t tried getting involved in an activity or a sport, this may be a good time to surround yourself with people that have similar interests.