I am 16 years old. I have experienced repeated physical and emotional abuse during childhood, primarily from my father and brother, as well as significant psychological mistreatment from other family members.
My father repeatedly physically abused me, including hitting me with a belt, slapping and hitting me, pulling my hair, and causing injuries and bruising. On one occasion, I fell down the stairs after he hit me. I also remember being attacked when I tried to protect myself, including an incident in which I was hit repeatedly and my clothes were torn. When I was younger, he also subjected me to unwanted physical contact, including forcefully kissing and licking my cheeks and restraining my hands.
My brother also repeatedly physically hurt me during childhood. He broke my finger, caused my nose to bleed, and physically violent me on multiple occasions. I also experienced significant emotional and psychological mistreatment from my aunt and uncle.
When I was younger, I reached a point of severe emotional distress in which I attempted to ingest rat poison. On another occasion, after something my mother said, I was about to drink Dettol, but my brother stopped me. These incidents occurred in the past, and I am currently safe.
Recently, memories of these experiences have been returning very intensely. Yesterday, I experienced multiple episodes in which I suddenly had vivid memories or flashbacks, began crying uncontrollably, and became extremely breathless. During some episodes, my heart was pounding and I experienced vomiting, weakness, and difficulty concentrating. The episodes happened repeatedly throughout the day, including at home, in the bathroom, and at my academy. At one point, I felt as though I could not breathe at all.
These episodes seem to be triggered particularly when someone says or does something that reminds me of how I was treated in the past. I can sometimes calm myself by reminding myself that I am safe now, but the memories can return again later.
I have been suppressing or holding in these experiences and emotions for many years. I feel that I never had the opportunity to process what happened to me or fully recognize that it was wrong. Recently, it feels as though all of the emotions I have been holding in are coming out at once
CONSIDER THIS:
- First – We are extremely glad that you are currently feeling safe – that is hugely important to us. It’s also nice to hear that you have the ability to calm yourself when you have these intense trauma response episodes. We still want to ensure that you have resources and support if any of these moments become too much. Please know that if you ever need help to find calm, you can text “HOME” to 741741 and there will be someone there 24/7, 365 to have your back. If you are feeling unsafe, you can also text or call 988 at any time. There are more ways to get help HERE in case you need them.
- Thank you for trusting TeenCentral with your story. It takes so much courage to put your story out there, especially when you’ve had a lifetime of very painful experiences that no person should have to endure. You mentioned that you’ve suppressed or held onto these experiences, but we are hoping that you’ve shared at least some of what you’ve been through with a trusted adult within your circle, either in the past as these events were happening or now as you were attempting. Reaching out to someone in your world allows yourself to have support and connection – especially in the moments when you need it most. If you choose to speak to a clinical professional, it may even help you process everything that you feel you never had the chance to process.
- While you are working through processing all these past experiences, it’s important to find ways to help you cope with the trauma responses that you seem to be having. You’ve spoken about your ability to calm yourself down, which is awesome, but we want to make sure you have plenty of tools in your toolbox to help you in these tough moments. We’d like to recommend a technique that’s good to use while you’re in a trauma response. It’s called the 5-4-3-2-1 method. You work through it by naming 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. It’s typically pretty effective at helping someone ground themselves.
OTHER WAYS TO HELP YOURSELF
- Journaling is a great way to let out, organize, and process your thoughts / feelings. You could free write daily, or even just after an episode to help you get a handle on the moment. If you’re not sure what to write, there are structured questions under our “Tools” page.
- As tough as it may be, it’s healthy that your emotions are finally coming out. It seems like you have a good understanding of how to keep helping yourself, so keep going! But during this healing process, it’s good to surround yourself with people who make you feel happy and safe. That could be friends, family, or even positive members of your community. We encourage you to try to stay connected to those people. That could involve spending time together or even just checking in over the phone or social media. Bonus points if you have someone with you while you participate in a favorite activity or hobby!
- Keep expanding your coping skills toolbox! You can find additional ideas for coping skills and healthy outlets in our TEENCENTRAL | What’s New with Teens? page and our Teen Central | TOOLBOX | Clinical Tools for Teens
