(I will preface by saying, Yes I have posted on here before, Usually my old posts go, Hi I’m Transfem, Then I say some very weird stuff that has to do with that and makes me sound deranged, So I’m sorry if this ends up just being more of that)
So I have been openly Trans for like 3 years and on Blockers for 2. Now I’m 16 and I want HRT extremely bad, Since I’m about the age for it now. So like if I lived alone and never had to interact with other people that wouldn’t be a problem.
But problems are kind of there with my Immediate and extended relatives and stuff. So my Household doesn’t really respect me being Trans even though I have been open for 3 years as previously mentioned, Actually my sister is very supportive which I appreciate, I assume she just knows how it feels to be judged by other people and stuff. My mother allegedly tries her best, But she extremely often misgenders me, (Which by the way, That always hurts, People don’t realize that, But every time you misgender a Trans person it hurts and they will remember it.) She occasionally does what I guess is technically an apology for that which is basically her being like “I’m such a bad person for misgendering you” and I can’t tell if it’s genuine or like some sort of weird manipulation attempt cause she tends to be kind of guilt trippy.
My dad is just a f******* d*** a lot of the time though, I know he kind of is a fan of some somewhat Conservative leaning people, Not like super hardcore evil guys like Matt Walsh though, But he literally misgenders me so much that when he doesn’t (Like twice a year) It feels like a big deal, Although when he doesn’t misgender he says it in a tone that sounds slightly sarcastic or questioning. The big thing is that he thinks every single issue I have in my life is somehow cause by my Blockers. Stretch Marks that I’ve had since I was twelve? he thought that was a dangerous side effect or something, Same goes for me being sad sometimes, being tired, And so much other random stuff. He even thought that Blockers would give me Scoliosis or something at one point.
Basically my thing is that I think my parents think me being Trans is some sort of phase for me of something I do for attention and they don’t really respect me. So In this environment I feel scared to even mention wanting HRT, Not cause I think I would be in physical danger or anything, But I don’t want to feel embarrassed. I’m embarrassed to buy things like makeup or particularly feminine clothing too, Because I don’t want to feel like I’m being judged, I used to wear a bow on occasion and got laughed at by my parents and sometimes when I wear feminine ish clothing around my father he would look at me weird or laugh. Me being Trans is just some joke to them. And I feel like all that has made me feel super embarrassed about being Transgender at all, I used to feel like once I could be truly openly feminine I would not hide being Trans and I would be able to feel pride in it. But I’ve lost that optimism now and I want to hide it.
I also can’t take HRT because I’m not out to any of my non immediate family, I have one grandmother specifically who called my mother to basically make fun of one of my more distant relatives who is around my age for being queer, She also was very weird about my cousin’s boyfriend’s brother being gay. And she was kind of a bitch about me wearing feminine ish clothes around her when I was visiting, She lives far away.
I’m probably gonna disown all of my relatives once I can live on my own, I have friends who are nicer to me and I feel like I can be true to myself around.
THINGS TO DO FIRST:
- First, thank you so much for having the courage to share more of your story with the TeenCentral Community! It has to be really sad and hard to feel embarrassed just being who you are. Sexuality has been looked at in a very controversial or polarizing way recently, so for you to live your truth, but then also share this part of your story is very admirable.
- Hold onto that hope and optimism. It’s great that you seem positively future focused and are looking forward to creating your own support systems. In the meantime, if you are ever feeling alone or in need of support, remember it’s always there for you. If you click HERE it takes you to our HELP tab with hotlines and text lines that you can use 24/7 if you are ever struggling and need to talk to someone in the immediate moment.
- If you ever feel like it’s too hard to go on please call 988 on your phone right away. It’s the new easy-to-remember Suicide Prevention Hotline available 365 days a year 24 hours a day. You are not alone. Remember that feeling isolated can change at the click of a button.
- It can be especially difficult to navigate this experience when you feel like those around you don’t respect or take you seriously. But as you’ve been lucky enough to see, there’s a whole world out there who will be nice to you and value your true self. Keep reaching out and making those connections. When it comes to the HRT side of things, we always encourage people to use the experts around them. Perhaps a family doctor or whomever is helping you with your blockers is a good person to discuss your feelings with. A doctor could even help you have the conversation with your family if you decide that’s the path forward. These are difficult conversations. We have a great tool that can help you prepare yourself for a difficult conversation like that:
COPING WITH THE STRESS OF THINGS:
- Your story really explained how much stress you are under right now. We are wondering how you are coping with that stress in general?
- If you’ve written to us before you know we are huge fans of encouraging journaling and self-reflection through writing. The things you are working through now are prime candidates to be written about and explored if you are searching for a good outlet. If you need help getting started with journalling take some time reading THIS BLOG for some ideas.
- What other coping skills do you utilize when you are upset, struggling, or experience something like being misgendered? It’s always good to make sure you have a variety of things you can do in a variety of environments. Maybe writing isn’t your thing but art is more relaxing for you. Ever heard of an art journal? READ HERE to learn how to start one.
- Hiding who you are can have many negative impacts on our mood and mental health. Who are the people in your life that you can surround yourself with now who you don’t have to hide around? Can you lean on and strengthen those connections? Use our SOCIAL SKILLS TOOL to practice ways of joining in with friends who can be a help to you.
- Maybe all of this just makes you angry and you need some ideas for burning off steam. Exercising in different ways releases endorphins, which are chemicals in your body that uplift your mood. these tools below all can help you release endorphins:
- Hopefully there are some new ideas here to try! Most importantly remember to value yourself and know that regardless of what people may say, you are seen, you are loved, and you have a great purpose in life.
