Hi so I wrote this a while back “I’m going to take my life on my birthday….I started getting good grades on online schooling and my fam decided for me that they would put me on some f@#*ing hellhole of another online school till 11th grade….I have no friends at all, never got to tell the boy I like how I feel I feel stuck at home, depressed, angry, I feel murderous meaning If my parents keep making decisions for me I’m going to blow the hell up. My moms a damn control freak and is dumber than you’d think, she says ” you can’t wear crop tops they make you look like a whore” little does she know I’m a big freaking rule breaker when I’m angry. she says ” you can’t wear chokers its what whores wear” I have three in my bedroom. I’m blonde with blue eyes, five foot four, I’ve got what’s called “a fair complexion” I’m fairly skinny as in less than 120 lbs and my mom feels the need to call me a “skinny bitch” I have to pretend to like her… but in reality I hate her. I want to like her but she makes that too flippin hard. I have ADHD ADD PTSD and I admit I am a little insane…my problem I act badass because I know I am…but I can’t seem to talk to people (aka Hot guy I’m totally crushing on) without feeling ill and turning so damn red…not to mention sounding like an elephant that just snorted crack. How the hell do I get over this shit, and if you give me some crap ass list of shit on this dumb website to look through…know this I’ve looked everywhere here and none of it helps, so either give me some real advice from other teens or just point me somewhere so I can talk face to face with someone.”
So this is hard to ecpleain but a year ago, my family gets a phone call from this chick my sister was staying with and we were told that she tried to harm the mom and baby. My problem is that I was worried about her. I know that she is a bad person who does drugs and I still loved her because of what we suffered together. Well, that changed a few months ago when she asked me if I wanted to play fortnite and I said sure but then she had some stuff that she needed to do so we post poned until she got back but when she did get back she said in a text that because I live with out parents, she feels like I am toxic and should’nt be iun her life. she lives with her boyfriend and his family and loves the little girl there and for the longest time I was jeoulous because she never cared about me when she was here and she always ignored me and never wanted to play and even went so far as to ditch me during a game on a cruise ship. I spent my whole 11th grade year obsessed with the idea that our family could be fixed and that she might still love me and then I realized…she is a sociopath and only loves herself and I was a pawn in her game. I just started college and I have my license, two jobs and I am proud of myself. It took a long time but I believe I am now ready to forgive my biological family (I am adopted so what I am about to say, those people who did this are no longer in my life, I am safe and happy)
To my birth mother,
I forgive you for selling my body for money. I know you suffered as a child too and I am so sorry but I hope you become a better person. I am sorry you were so lost you felt like (extreme trauma) was your only path. I forgive all the bad things you did to me.
To the man who sired me,
I forgive you for taking my power and taking my innocence and I hope you become a better person
To my sister…
I know you suffered more than me and that your whole life people told you you were weird and a dork and that you weren’t worth it…sis, you were worth it to me and I tried to be there but I forgive you for breaking me over and over and abandoning me. I forgive you for hating me and I forgive you for destroying our family. I love you forever and always and I hope you come back to us and be here again. I hope the baby in your womb fills that hole of pain you have felt and that you feel the love you were looking for. Good luck in life and I hope love consumes you in a warm hug…I miss you so much but I can’t let you back in until you show you deserve it.
To teen central,
The story in quotes is what I said last time but you guys saved my life. I am no longer suidcidal and in fact I am very happy with my life. I hope you know I appreciate it and also not worry about me because like I said I am safer now than I have ever been
THINGS YOU CAN DO RIGHT NOW
- Thank you for having the courage to come back and post at TeenCentral. We are happy to hear that you are doing good and are safe!
- Finding someone to talk to can be helpful when dealing with stressful times and we are glad you are strong enough to reach out when you’re in need.
- Although we sometimes feel as though we are ready to forgive and move on, it is still important to make sure that we are taking care of ourselves and our mental health. Continue to make sure that you are talking to someone about how you are feeling and if that trauma again begins to become overwhelming. You can talk to a professional, a friend, or an adult that you trust. The nice thing about college is that they often have free counselors that you can check in with. Maybe, check out who your counselor would be, so you know where to go.
IF YOU ARE UP FOR IT
- Here at TeenCentral we have a tab that talks about family dynamics and can give an insight on how others think and act. Click here to learn more.
- If you feel as though you want to process through some things and feel as though you can do this in a positive way. Journaling is a great way to start that. Journaling allows for us to process things using multiple parts of our brain and allows for us to dig deeper into our emotional stance.
- All in all, your post sounds like you are on a great track, and you really should be proud of yourself. You got this!!!