i want to die so bad. i would never actually kill myself but i think about it so much. all of my friends hate me because I’m a horrible person. they don’t even notice when i don’t talk all day, so why would they even care if i was just gone forever? i have an eating disorder. it’s so fucking exhausting. i can’t do a single thing right. everyone i know hates me because I’m not a good person. I’m so rude and i never know when to shut up. i hate every single thing about myself. there’s nothing good. my parents are disappointed in me for not being perfect. I’m so tired. i used to have my friends but now they all ignore me even when i try to talk so i just stopped trying. i just wish it would all stop. i hate my body but i hate this stupid eating disorder even more. i cant even enjoy life anymore
THINGS TO DO FIRST
- Thank you for sharing your story and expressing how you’re feeling during this extremely difficult time. Reaching out for help is one of the hardest things to do when you’re struggling but we are glad that you found TeenCentral so we can give you some recommendations to help you!
- If you hover over the Learn tab on TeenCentral and go to the section Body Image, there is a tab labeled Eating Disorders that may be helpful and offer you some comfort and information about eating disorders. Also, hopefully you have already done this, but if not, please browse through some other writers’ stories on TeenCentral with some similar issues you have like eating disorders and friendship concerns. It’s important to know that you are not alone. Reading some of the various other advice given to those writers may also be helpful to you.
- EMERGENCY HELP:
- If you need to talk to someone right away about your Eating Disorder you can contact the National Eating Disorders Association for support and resources. They are open Monday-Thursday 9:00AM to 9:00PM and also Friday 9:00AM-5:00PM. The hotline number is 1-800-931-2237.
- We heard you say that you would never follow through with killing yourself and that is good! But if those thoughts and feelings would ever change please call 911 or contact a crisis line right away. The best one we recommend is the Crisis Textline. Just text “Hello” to 741741 and start a conversation.
- Feeling socially excluded from and ignored by your peers can really sock a punch to your self esteem, especially if you already don’t feel good about yourself and have insecurities about the way you look. It can make a person feel hopeless and isolated which are major triggers for depression and other mental health issues. It’s a perfect storm for how you are feeling and it totally makes sense. Somehow you need a way to process all of this so it’s not locked up inside and eating away at you. (forgive the pun) There are a number of ways you can sort this out either yourself or with the help of another person. First – have you ever worked with a professional therapist? Do you already have one right now or could you go back to one you’ve worked with before? There is absolutely no shame in this. TeenCentral speaks about this in a What’s New blog titled “The Long Journey Out of Darkness”. It might do you well to read it.
- Have you tried talking to a trusted adult about how you feel towards yourself? If you haven’t already then consider talking to a trusted parent, teacher, guidance counselor, religious leader, a coach, or maybe even your extended family such as cousins, aunts, or grandparents. Talking to someone who supports you can help you work through some of those feelings you’re experiencing. TeenCentral is a great place to come back to and we will always be here for you. Hotlines are also good when you don’t know who else to call. But sometimes a good old fashioned heart to heart conversation is really the best thing for you.
- Have you ever tried journaling or writing? It seems like you need to remind yourself that you do possess positive qualities and have a hard time identifying them. For example you could try writing one positive thing about yourself a day or one positive thing that you did that day. You could also look at the Journal Prompt section under the Tools tab for more ideas!
- Let’s talk about activities and hobbies that you could do. An activity is a good way to distract yourself or divert some negative feelings into something more positive. Some examples include joining a sports team, cooking, reading a book, building bird houses, or anything that you think you might enjoy! Consider doing other activities such as going for a walk, riding a bike, or even meditating.