I’ve been putting off writing here for months, because i think i gave up. I don’t even remember the title of my last entry, but I’ve been writing since I was 11 in the uk, and then in tz and kenya.
Im 15 now, and if anything things have gotten worse. I am supposed to be in school, preparing for the tests that would get me into college on uni. Instead im at home every day, babysitting or doing chores. i only have one year of school left. I try to study on my own, but no one helps me. Mum had a child, and she gave up. I am depressed most of the time , and it just annoys her. She told me to “Just give up then”, which is ironic because she told me to kill myself when i was 13, and i went and attempted. She knows that, yet she never spots the mistakes in her words. I feel so dumb. I’ve entirely missed secondary school, I’ve had none of the experiences, not of the friends that come with school.
It isn’t my parents fault, not all of it anyways. Yet sometimes when I look at them i feel a burning rage, like I am being reminded of how they ruined my life, ruined me. I hate myself for hating them.
Now Ive ruined myself. Before, I could keep my scars hidden. I could tell myself “you shouldn’t cut right now, just hold on” and stay clean. I am covered in scars now, and I’m disgusted with myself because i cant stop. Every night i cry until 4, in literal agony. My chest hurts, i cant breathe, my head hurts. I used to think drugs were stupid; they made me feel sick just thinking about it, and now I snort pills i find to try to get some relief ( to no avail).
Im sorry for the repetion. I know i keep saying it, but the only way to describe how it feels is that it hurts. Because it really does hurt. Physically and mentally. And the only way to free myself from the pain is to cut.
Just last night i was feeling alright, for the first time in about a week. I got up to brush my teeth ( its disgusting but I couldn’t do that those night i was stuck in my head), and when i grabbed my toothbrush, the holder dropped and smashed on the floor. It was an antique, my grandfathers before he died.
This is embarrassing, but I honestly stood there for a moment, covering my eyes and hoping I’d imagined it. Ive taken away a piece of him from my mum. I didn’t even think about it, I just grabbed one of the shards and cut. Then i was mad at myself for cutting in a place that everyone could see, so what did i do?
I cut my leg, again, deeper.
Why do i do that? That makes no sense. All i did was make it worse, more scars for everyone to see. The words “i hate myself” don’t even begin to describe how I feel. I say its embarrassing because i have no self control anymore. My mind controls me, my thoughts control me. I don’t even feel like myself.
I hate how i look, i hate my body, i hate my mind, i hate my life, i hate my teeth, i hate my hands, i hate my skin, i hate my scars, i hate my social life, i hate my inability to learn, i hate my inability to stay happy, i hate that i am ruined. I could go on forever.
I hate that I am so alone, and no one understands it. Maybe because I don’t understand it myself.
I dislike the phrase “you are not alone”. It implies that being alone is just how you feel, and that there are always people there for you.
Maybe that is how it is for most people my age. But i really am alone. I am isolated in a country I know nothing about. My parents can’t do anything to help me. They genuinely don’t understand. They’d rather i keep it all to myself. I have no friends. People my age think I’m weird for my thoughts, so i keep it hidden anyways. No school counsellors, or teachers. We cant afford therapy. I am alone. And realising that burns.
When i told mum what happened all she said was “your leg looks horrible” and “you know those are permanent right? Everyone will know that you cut yourself”
I love writing and reading. I always have. But i can’t write anymore. I can’t teach myself either. I’d occasionally work out. But mostly, i used to go on walks. It was the one thing i did that freed my mind for a moment, and it kept me in shape since i stay at home all day. Now i have no motivation to do anything. And i eat. Too much. My stomach feels like a bottomless pit when i am anxious or depressed or whatever how i feel is called. I’ve always eaten to cope, but now i don’t workout or walk the calories back off. I feel disgusting. I wake up in the afternoon and do nothing but scroll or cry all day.
My younger sister is following my path. She has suicidal thoughts too. She won’t attempt like i have, they’re passive thoughts, but it still scares me that she might ruin herself like I’ve ruined myself.
My dad and i argue. I’ve always hated myself because of him. When i was 12 / 13 and he was violent, he would call me the devil, to the point where i was genuinely convinced that i had no capacity for good. Now he says i am worse than satanists and cult members, because i am a non believer, someone who will roam the earth until i die with no purpose. I tried to tell him that i just believe that there’s no way to know the “right” religion and i feel peace accepting that. (sort of agnostic) and he told me and my sister to “shut the fuck up” because “Teenagers always think they are right”.
To have your own dad hate who you are and over years repeatedly tell you so, crushes your soul. My mum disagrees with him, she’s always supported my religious beliefs, but she’s sick of my mental health. And making your mum sick of you over something you cant control hurts all the same.
I think it’s kind of pathetic that I’m treating this like therapy, writing some of the many things that hurt me and looking for advice. I know it isn’t. I’m sorry this is so long. I don’t expect you to fix me or help me stop. I am just alone, and i don’t know what else to do.
If this is any help, I looked back and the last story i submitted was ‘Most Alone I’ve Ever Felt’ on May 9, 2022
I know I’ve said this before, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you, teencentral. I don’t think I’d be here without this site to go to when I feel like this.
Things you can do right now:
- First and foremost, thank you for reaching out to TeenCentral once again. We are happy to be a resource to help you vent your thoughts and emotions. It sounds like you have been dealing with some tough feelings and experiences for many years. Be proud of yourself for continuing to reach out for help.
- You mentioned feeling depressed and feeling like you have no one to talk to; that’s tough. Depression can be seen differently in many ways, if you’d like to read more about depression and ways to help yourself click on our “Learn” tab then “Depression.” Under our “Tools” tab there’s a depression activity that helps organize your thoughts on the subject or you can click on the hyperlink. There’s also an activity called making hard decisions, that might help organize your thoughts as well.
- You mentioned feeling like you have no one to talk to. Please know that when you are feeling unsafe you can contact the Crisis Textline by texting “Home” to “741741” someone is available 24 hours a day 7 days a week. They are able to help kids who live outside the US, so this may be a resource for you that can be immediately available.
- We know from talking with you before that you don’t have other adult resources available, which makes things very difficult for you. If we were there with you and could be that resource, we might talk to you a little bit about your self-injury. Many young people hurt themselves not only in an attempt to feel “something” but also as a way to cope with anxiety and depression. We would not say it’s a positive way to cope, but it’s still an attempt to cope and to continue surviving very difficult circumstances. To feel the pain but not to end life is a way to keep living. The next step is to find something that you can replace with the cutting that will still help you keep coping, but is more positive than what you are doing now. You mentioned working out – that may be something that would work if you could get on a schedule of doing it regularly. It’s something to think about.
There are a few things you can do help cope with feelings, have you considered the following –
- Writing / Journaling – sometimes writing our thoughts and feelings can help us put our emotions into words and better express ourselves. Consider doing free writing or keeping a journal.
- Going for a walk – is it possible for you to go for walks? Or even somewhere quiet outside where you can sit and think. It may help clear your mind and offer a different perspective on things.
- Daily positive reminders – Under the “Tools” section we have a positive reminder activity that can help you see some good during a bad day. Click here and check it out Positive Reminder Card. There’s also a Positive Self-Talk worksheet that might help.
Lastly, we hope this brings some comfort to you. Thanks again for reaching out to TeenCentral and trusting in. We send you well wishes and a virtual hug.